I'm a new caregiver to a Mom I have a painful relationship with.
I'm glad I found this site.
I have one of those narcissistic mothers, read sociopath, that make a child miserable. I was crying all weekend over our situation. Shes 67. This time last year she was dx with kidney disease requiring dialysis. She started the process to apply for a kidney transplant. Early this year during the process it was discovered that her liver is cirrhotic. Its functioning but she needs a liver as well as kidney. My dad died 14 years ago. Mom lived alone until she was caught stealing from her job. At that point she couldnt receive unemployment, had no income. She took my fathers social security and moved in with her SIL. My mom paid my aunt rent and has been there since, probably 5 years. She worked on and off as a temp and collected unemployment. She didnt pay attention 2 income guidelines for social security and pays 75.00 a month back 2 SSI as well. When we met with the liver transplant team, we learned that after surgery, she will require 24,7 care for 4,16 weeks after going home. This care HAS to be provided by family or friends. Im 39. Sister is 37. My sister wasnt working when we learned this. My sister doesnt have a solid work history. She goes for long periods not working. For years my mom has given her any extra money she had. My mom claimed thats why she was stealing from her job. She was supporting herself and my sister. I knew she gave my sister money but stayed out of that because I felt it wasnt my place. When she was caught stealing, she came 2 me, as usual, for help with figuring out her situation. Its a pattern that repeats in our family. We all have our roles. Im the one who is expected 2 take care of everyone and everything, from talking 2 my dads doctors 2 making sure everyone gets 2 celebrate holidays the way they expect. Now the liver transplant. My sister and I agreed that since I work a FT corporate job, have children, a fiancé and his children, I would be the caregiver from after work until I go back to work in the morning. We would split the weekends. My sister would do week daytimes. My sister lives with her girlfriend. They dont have kids, live in a townhome with a 2nd bedroom and finished basement. I live in a townhome . The 2 boys have a room, daughter has a room, our room, family and dining room is one room. Our kitchen doesnt have room for a table. We eat in the dining room. We dont have a basement at all. When we found out about the 24,7 care, I talked to my Aunt, explained the plan and asked if it was ok if my sister, nurses and I traipsed in and out of the house during this recovery. I told her that we didnt need anything from her but wanted 2 make sure she was ok with my mom staying there. I didnt expect in a million years shed say no but she did. She has reasons but said mom could return after recovery. I said I understood and looked for alternatives. My sister has refused 2 take her in and at that time, my sisters girls brother moved into their spare room. Because of the awful relationship I have with my mom and lack of space at my place, I said she needs to get an apartment. Thats when it all got ugly. My mother started pretending she doesnt know how 2 look for apartments and my sister refused 2 help. She uses every excuse. She has ADHD, she has dogs 2 take care of, she needs 2 look for a job, gay relationships are harder than hetero ones. All reasons why she cant do whatever it is that needs to be done at the time. My mom being her sociopath self would lie about what she was doing 2 help. She claimed to apply for low income housing. When I tried to verify, she was not on any lists.I know I should have done it myself It finally blew up. I lost it on mom and sister and said I wouldnt handle any of this. I told them 2 contact me when it was time to move into an apartment or for a transplant team appointment. 2 months later, mom ends up in the ER. Shes ok now but I find out that nothing has been done. Even in a life or death situation, they cant step up. Since last week, Ive found an apartment and cosigned. Waiting to hear back. Ive taken over the money and am trying to get everything in order. My mom has 2 give up her car 2 make this work and shes mad. Ive been a wreck over this. My mom has been cruel to me since childhood, shes malicious, entitled and a nasty woman and NOT just cause shes sick. She coddled my sister though and wasted money she could use now. Yet Im left to deal with this. Ill need to kick in money to help my mom. My sister has already let me know she cant help with money at all. I have family that feel Im not doing enough. Maybe my perception but Ive heard, YOU cant just let her die. Its so hard to think about this and its only just begun. Im angry and resentful already. But Ive read many of your posts and it helps. I feel like here people could understand my feelings and not attack me for saying what seems callous to someone who isnt in these shoes. Thank you