I would never want to burden down someone with being a caregiver for me.

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Over the last 15 years I've been a care giver for my elderly father who had dementia until he passed away a few years ago and I'm the sole care giver for my elderly mother who has dementia. Father God has been most kind to me blessing me mentally and physically for all of these years.

During this experience in care giving for my parents I must say that if I ever could not care for myself, that I would never want to be a burden upon my child or anyone else. I would rather die with dignity than being a demented shell of my former self ripping off diapers or throwing body waste at the walls. I say this because my elderly mother does just that. I spend so many early morning hours greeted with the smells of urine or solid waste as I try cleaning it off her and off the bed or wall where she sometimes throws it.

I just would never want to be such a burden on others. Am I the only one here at Aging care.com that feels this way?

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I told my kids if I ever act like my mother they have my permission to walk away. She was a narcissist through and through. No nursing home for her yet she dumped my gma in one. Threatened to call the police if I argued with her yet treated her mom abominably. Demanded I take care of her but said it was ok for my sister to not participate.
Our kids know where all documents are, know our wishes, etc. My daughter and I talk often about this. I pointed to her toddler boys and said they are the reason you are never to be my caregiver. I had my chance, now it is your time to live, enjoy your family. We all have to die and to prolong life to end up a burden is one of the worst things a parent can do to a child. Modern medicine is grand...up to a point
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I have made that desire very clear to my children, you will never be my caregiver. If I have to go into a NH so be it. Wish my mother had the same consideration for me, but she is from the generation of self entitlement where no sacrifice is too great for her creature comforts and care. Her finances are far better than mine and will be used for her entitled comfort and care wherever that might be except in my home.
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We also have long term care policies, all papers in place and explicit medical directives. My children would take care of us but we want them to be able to have the life with their children that we had with them. We are older parents and our kiddos will probably be in the mist of the teenage years when DH and I need care...don't want to spoil that fun for them!
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I am with pdahaven. You are so rightand that is what I tell my mother-I will not burden my child with taking care of me. I have a long term care policy and when the time comes that I no longer can ake care of myself but me in a facility. I do not wish this------- being a care giver 24/7 to anyone.
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How timely.
My sister in law was down for a visit a couple of weeks ago and we talked about this exact subject. We are both in our early 50's..........
.....Our conclusions, not in any order:.........................
-A proper will, and making my wishes known NOW to my children.
-A proper living will (mine according to my Church's teachings) and, again, making my wishes known NOW to my children and my family and my doctors.
-A DNR in place now, and making sure everyone knows this.
-Having all of our legal affairs in order all the time, including car titles/tags, life insurance, property titles, keep my bills paid in full each month, including credit card balances, taxes paid.......
-Work to get my funeral paid for now, including the casket, the plot, the Church, the flowers, the music, etc.. My sister in law prefers cremation and no church services.
...
I hadn't thought about stopping drugs when I am diagnosed with a terminal illness-very good idea........
..Treat me for pain, even if that medication shortens my life...........
.No tubes down my throat........
-Avoid poking me with needles, even if I die sooner.....
.........

.
Old people used to die from natural causes. When my grandmother died many years ago she just passed away in her sleep - she was 65. Mom chose chemotherapy and radiation, at age 82! Everyone dies, and while I am in no hurry to go, let me die so you can remember me/us as active, healthy and happy......Don't keep me alive so I can lie in a nursing home and have my diapers changed...........
.....
When God calls me home, let me go............
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Fotgot to add, use bed pads on your furniture. For Mother's comfort (easier for her to get up and down) I had 4" thick foam cut to 2/3 the length of one sofa and had it covered in a washable fabric. This is again wrapped in heavy beach type towel with waterproof bed pad on top.
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I have watched my mothers frustrations, shame and anger as the clock ticks down. To let go of control of her own life has been hard for her and hard to watch. She is 86, has had 5 back surgeries and is in chronic pain. This morning I was helping her shower and one again hurt myself. (I have also had many surgeries) I WILL NOT let that happen to me. I will self determine my time . I keep a copy of final exit in my books. I will not put my family or myself through that.
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We use Molicare Super Plus Briefs/Diapers all the time. Free delivery if ordered online from Walmart. They are pricey but the very BEST product there is..even if just used at night time. The XL holds 1600 cc and medium 1300cc.
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We all feel the same and think the same and want die with dignity..then WHY is there no bill before congress allowing assisted departure? It is not suicide when your motive is release you own pain and spare your loved ones a terrible burden. We are kinder to our pets than we are to our family.
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to JudymW, more power to you! i get tired of the sanctimonious people who believe the only way to take care of parents is by themselves and in their home.

people live way too long these days, and in far worse physical and mental shape than many decades and centuries ago when this was the norm. nursing homes, assisted living, board & care; these are there for a darned good reason and should be used before people destroy their marriages and children. guilt be damned!

i and my sister refuse to take my mother in, and my brother moved out of state forty years ago to make certain he never would have to. you should never have to take care of someone who is toxic to your emotional well being. i don't care if they changed your diapers and fed you as a baby, it amounts to absolutely ZERO next to years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

my children love me and i intend to see that they love me forever by never being a burden.
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