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Well today I walked passed a neighbor who on occasion would say hi here and there. Somehow we ended up on the subject of my grandma. Make long story short she suggested I bring her back home because she's probably dying where she is. She started to say that she's on her last leg, shes unhappy, and I should get her out of this place before it's too late and wants me to bring her home tomorrow. Even though she seemed okay but the one thing that irked me the most is when she mentioned that the other neighbor could really use the extra money by moving grandma in with her. Though she added that her and the other two neighbors are all nurses and had taken care of their own family, that doesn't mean they might be able to handle my granda. Though she understood I want to start my life she was adding that grandma's life is also as important and she has the choice to come home and let her stay home rather in a hospital but I told her she's in an assistance living. Grandma seems to like where she is just wants to come home but she doesn't want to come home to the current home and like last time she got depressed about this place and the whole chain of events occurred.The other thing that occurred is I had a dream last night about grandma being home and it wasn't as easy as it seemed either. In the dreams I had about her returning home would apparently to show me that at 1st it was nice people were helping until late summer when she started to become more and more mean and forgetful to the point I was again taking care of her on my own. The dream last night was about her getting angry at me about leaving her all the time for work and it was the winter. She thrashed about and cried and was having a tantrum. Sad thing is this happened before and is why I can't take care of her anymore. Issues with her returning is also she hates the area we are living in. She refuses to come back to this place but she wants to be home but she doesn't want to leave where she is too. It isn't easy at all. I love her is true but what cost of happiness for safety? At what cost of sanity for happiness? But my choice is clear. I rather find a better place for her rather than moving her back home. I know my grandmother like the back of my hand. I rather have her in a senior apartment or home with a nurse of some sort to check up on her and for me to visit her as much as I can until I can get on my feet. If she comes back I will never get on my feet. I know this. I had family and friends promising me this before and it didn't work out.

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Since they know where she's staying and do not visit, just say that she loves her new home. I wouldn't push for them to visit her. If they're desperate enough for her to come back to her old home, they might try to persuade her using their old friendship. Depending how badly they need the $$ for the neighbor to be paid to care for her.
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Smile, say thanks, but that your Grandmother has told you that she is actually pretty happy where she is.
You may want to do some shopping around for places -- I don't know where in the country you are, but we found that when we were looking for places the crummy ones in bad parts of town weren't actually much cheaper than the really nice place we found for her in a very nice part of town (as a bonus it's right on my way home from work, so I can drop by for a visit on my way home if I want). How your Grandmother is treated is the most important thing (if the facility is safe). Caregivers she trusts, & who are respectful of her as a person make all the difference in the world. It was kind of funny the first time my Grandma told me she didn't want me to help her get out of bed, she'd rather have the caregiver do it since the caregiver was a "professional" . I'll admit that my pride was hurt for about .5 of a second, then I was really happy that she felt SAFE there.

For what it's worth, the very nice place we ended up with is only about 10% more than the real dumps in the bad part of town, and actually less than that, since they will also take her to 1 Dr. visit a month for free (which the cheap places charged for). We are also welcome to visit any time (even for meals!)...and the food is amazing...and she has her own room...their are skylights everywhere, and the house is clean and does NOT smell like pee!
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@MishkaM True, all of the neighbors who ask about her now exactly where she is and they haven't even visited her since she's been there from December. I know they just want something. It seems too fishy to me that all of a sudden now they want to help and get paid for it. When I needed help the 1st time no one helped.
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Phooey on your neighbors!!! PHOOEY!!! Your grandma sounds happy. Trust your instincts. If those neighbors keep it up tell them you scheduled visits for them with your Grandma on such and such a date at such and such a time. I mean they care soooo much, right?!?!? ---don't worry they won't show.
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@TXElderAdvocate Thank you I'll keep that in mind.
@windytown Thank you last time I saw her last Thursday she was looking much better from when she was 1st there. She's loves the people there and even have a few friends who stick by her. She seems very happy but not so happy with the clothes which is understandable. I rather have her there than to bring her home away from people who she already made a bond with. She isn't miserable at all as alot of the staff tells me and what some residents tell me too.
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lillyrae, You are doing an excellent job of watching out for your grandma! There's been so much good advice on this thread. I'd just like to add, tell the neighbors politely, "Thanks, but no thanks. If you'd ever visit grandma, you'd know she's doing pretty good and likes things the way they are now." Do not let them put any guilt on you, because you are doing great! You don't owe them any other explanation. Keep doing what you are doing! :)
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Don't ever let other's "kindly" unsolicited advice make you feel guilty for doing what you know is best for your loved one.
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@ jeannegibbs Thanks for helping me a lot miss Jean :). Well none of the neighbors do no a single soul on this street does. Only me. She even point me out on not seeing her more than 2 times a week. But I have other things to do since grandma is enjoying her time there and is looking a whole lot better since last year this time. So I think I should just decline with the neighbor. Plus she was too pushy. She wanted me to say yes to bringing her home Sunday. Even when I explained to her that my grandma doesn't want to live in this area anymore. Thanks again.
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lillyrae, it is so good to hear from you again! I know how much you struggled over the decision about what to do for/with your beloved grandmother. She is in a safe place where she gets appropriate care. Good for you!

How often do these neighbors visit your grandmother now? Go and join her for lunch, or to play cards in the common room, or to take her for a walk? It doesn't really sound like they know anything at all about assisted living so I'm wondering if they visit her. I mean, if they really have her best interests in mind, they are visiting, right?

Nobody loves your grandmother like you do. No one knows her as intimately as you do. You are the appropriate person to make decisions for her. And you have done that.

Tell the neighbors, "Thank you for your concern," and go about your business. They have no role to play in advising you.
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@Eyerishlass I add her room number so the housekeepers know. Oh and thanks for your advice again.
To everyone who responded I want to say thanks again and if I could I would hug all of you. I'm very grateful I found this place and it really helped me out a lot. Thanks again!
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My dad is in a facility and his clothes disappear all the time even with his name written on them with a sharpie.
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@AlwaysMyDuty Yes they do! It just didn't seem right even though I was touched but after I cried a bit something in my gut kept saying no don't do it. When she mentioned about money and about my grandma being abused yet I visit her twice a week she's always happy or just doing so so but if there is a problem she tells me they resolve it. Grandma even loves a few of the staff there too. Thanks I try to do the best thing and make sure she's safe. I rather play it safe than to be sorry that I let her home knowing the issues that are still at hand. Thanks again.
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@lildeb Thanks. Those same neighbors were supposed to help me a long time ago to get on my feet but never did. So to me it doesn't feel right either. I will. I won't let her come home to a place where she hates to begin with and I don't have a job yet and I'm repairing things left and right only for her to get stressed out or for her to repeat the last 4 times of her going into the hospital. Thanks again.
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@LEP627 If I were you I would do the same. It is hard for me to not want her to be home but she likes where she is. Most of her clothes have been returned to her when she notifies the staff and it just so happens to be in the roommate's drawers. Though I want to move her to a better place I have to get on my feet to take care of the house myself and most of her money goes for her rent, clothes, medicine etc. Knowing that I can watch over the important things at home than someone I barely know let alone know of. Thanks.
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lilyrae, your nosy neighbors sure are giving you a lot of unsolicited advice. They even have your grandma's life all planned out. They sound like trouble with a capital T. Ignore them. Keep grandma where she is safe (away from them). You sound like a real sweetheart. Your grandma is fortunate to have you!
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lilyrae, I wouldn't do anything if you n your grandma r comfortable n she is n a safe place. Where were all these helping neighbors before hand? Do what u think is best for the both of you!
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@bobstitt1942 yes you are right. Something just won't sit with me at all. There is too much to be at stake on top of that my grandma is coherent but she might say a little too much and I fear they might take more than a shirt from her in her own home. Maybe I'm not too trusting but I won't take her out of a place where she doesn't mind being at and she does activities and take her morning walks but in the hallways but she likes where she is more than being in the neighborhood where her house is. That she hates as she puts it. Thanks. It was a hard decision after taking care of her and balancing high school and just recently
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Also, people definitely steal clothes when your loved one is in care. It happened with my grandmother, so my Mom started cutting out part of the backs of her house dresses and writing in huge letters in permanent marker my grandmother's name. It slowed it down. But my poor grandma was so upset she couldn't have anything pretty because it was always stolen (probably by the staff because they are so underpaid).
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I'm not telling you what you should do or making any suggestions, but when my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last year, her friends all said they would help and each one would take her out once a week. Hasn't happened (much). And the one friend that does take her out (shopping) has no backbone. My Mom has overspent when she's with her. My Mom came in the house (after being with her last week) carrying $500 worth of clothing (much of it inappropriate for an 80 year old). So, from now on, a caregiver will go too. Plus, Macy's screwed up. They were supposed to flag her account and not allow her to charge if she doesn't have the card with her. I know it appears to others I'm being controlling, but I'm trying to protect her from spending too much money. She will need it if/when she has to go to memory care.
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Lillyrae, sounds like you are doing the best you can.

I would follow Eyerishes comments and add a couple additional ones.

If something happened to one of your neighbors while taking care of grandma you might be liable. I would double check with an attorney and also with your current home owners insurance agent before I would make any deals with these 2.

If they are talking about sticking pins and things like that in her, they are definitely off their rockers.

As far as other residents stealing things, it is more than likely clothes ended up getting mixed up with the laundry or other sundry ways. Just the fact you are looking out for your grandmother says a lot about you.
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Yes when she mentioned about the neighbor needing the extra money it didn't seem right on top of that she tried to scare me into bringing her back home. By saying they are probably sticking her with needles or harassing her. Grandma on the other hand tells me the worse thing that ever happened was a nurse getting an attitude with her and her roommate stealing her clothes. Which has been returned to her. Other than that my grandma likes the people there and likes it but doesn't like area let alone the furniture there. Which I understand. I wish you luck on that too and thank you. I know that I must get on my feet before I can really relocate her to a much much better facility.
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You said friends and family promised you they would help you before and that didn't work out. What if that happens with this neighbor? And this neighbor offered up another neighbor who would care for your grandma because this neighbor needs the money? That whole thing sounds very fishy to me. Don't make life changes in your life or your grandma's life based on the promises of others. You learned that one the hard way.

Find a better place for your grandma if she isn't safe where she is but it sounds like she's accepted her circumstances so only move her if you have to. "If she comes back I will never get on my feet." You have to take care of yourself. I too am in the middle of some very tough decisions and am learning that I need to make sure my situation is solid. That I have money coming in. That I can take care of my own family before I go trying to take on the task of caring for others.
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