Neediness vs. paranoia.
My mom should go into assisted living, soon. She has dementia and a lot of confusion, is hard of hearing, can't drive (license revoked) etc.
Issue is, I am the one who ends up taking her to the doctor (she won't see a neurologist or gerontologist, etc.: says she can't afford it, but frankly I feel I can't afford for her not to, and I think she can.)
She is driving me nuts, to be blunt about it. The money issue is a huge pain. She has a decent pension and she wavers between telling me to take money out to shop for myself or to pay my car insurance, etc. I don't feel comfortable with that. But then she'll waver and be paranoid, hiding money she's taken out at the bank and not finding it, so I (or my husband) get the blame. It's back and forth, between "take $1,000 and pay your insurance and get those new brakes and a muffler" to "you stole some change from me, and I can't trust you!" Even if everything is written down and accounted for with receipts, it does no good, but I'm so annoyed with the back and forth. I don't want to help to end up being accused of theft. Even buying paper towels and placing them on top of the fridge instead of under the sink gets me called a thief or stupid because I don't know where to put things. And even if the mistake is resolved or the confusion is cleared up, albeit temporarily, she still holds onto these little events and stacks them against me.
On top of that, if you read up what a textbook narcissist is, my mom practically invented the mold. Dealing with that "it's all about me" behavior paired with the anger and the confusion and the paranoia she deals out, I'm at a loss. How do people handle that? I can get some confusion and so on, but to be labeled as a thief or liar quite often is draining.