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Today I'm taking my mother to the doctor to learn the results of some blood tests she had a few days ago. I already know (although she doesn't) that they suspect she has a blood cancer of some kind and they want to do further tests for that. I expect her to be pretty freaked out. I'm pretty freaked out myself, honestly. My mother can be a giant PITA at times but I still feel for her, which is how I got into this caregiving gig to begin with.

I had always wished for a quick death for my mother, not a long debilitating illness. I dread the additional work of helping her though treatments or even greater disability if she foregoes treatment, and I dread being infected by her emotions - her fear, depression, anger, whatever she goes through as she approaches the end. She can be toxic even when well, and I expect her final illness will be the most distressing and unpleasant thing I will ever live through, except maybe my own final illness, if that's how I go out. I wish my sister could go with us to the Dr., but she has to work today and she hasn't offered to take off work for this occasion. Maybe she considers herself lucky. I just need to know I'll have some of you to talk to when I get home. Carla


(((((((Hugs)))))))) dear Carla. Will be holding you in my heart today.
Keep breathing. In, out. In, out. If all else fails, just concentrate on that.

Write stuff down but don't necessarily try to make sense of it today. Set a date, before this appointment begins, for the next appointment. Then you'll know you have time to get your questions together.

May today be the day your mother surprises you. Hugs.
Carla, I took care of my father for the final three years of his life. I worked a full time job and also went to school full time so I understand your concerns. It does not get easier, but know that all you are doing on your mother's behalf will come back to you full circle. In those moments when I thought I couldn't take another step, I was given the strength to move forward. You are stronger than you know and will come through this experience a different person than when you began the journey. I guarantee when it is over and done with, you will have no regrets. You are in my thoughts today and I'm sending you good thoughts and much peace.
Sending you blessings and good energy. Breathe. Take it a step at a time.
And be okay with all the feelings that are going through you. No judgements. It's normal.

Came back to talk to us anytime. :-)
“You are stronger than you know and will come through this experience a different person than when you began the journey.“ Truer words were never written. Thank you.
Breath in....out.......One foot....then the other. And maybe give some serious though to detaching from mom. Just do minimal stuff and no more.  But anyway, keep breathing and moving. Let us know how you’re doing.
Thanks to all who responded. Today wasn't nearly as traumatic as I feared - mainly because the can got kicked down the road a little bit. The doctor referred my Mom to a hematologist, explaining that she needed to rule out the possibility of any blood cancers. My mother, true to form, seemed to be more annoyed a the prospect of having to see another specialist and undergo more tests than she was fearful about the outcome.

The good thing was that the delay gave an opportunity for my sister and I to get on the same page. We agreed that we would both accompany Mom to her appointment with the hematologist. I am very relieved about that because my sister, although compassionate, is generally a lot calmer than I am. We don't have the appointment yet but I'm feeling better about the situation than I was this morning.

Thanks again.
Thanks for the update CarlaCB. IT's nice to see what is actually happening in a given situation. Glad things weren't too terribly horrible. It's good you'll be able to get that extra support from your sister at the next appointment.
Good deal with sis Carla........
I am also glad you will both be going to the next apt,, it is always better to have an extra pair of ears in a stressful situation. And not mom's! I always go to apts with mom, and I can tell you we don't always hear the same thing!

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