I need to vent!

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My 86y/o Mother lives w/my wife and me. Wife still works and is gone from 1pm til 12am, which is good. My Mother has both ALZ and Parkinson's. She was living in an assisted living facility for the past 2 years. It was not a good fit for her and both her physical and psychological health suffered. She had lived with us before and the decision was made for her to return home to us. WOW what a change. Everything is a struggle from morning until night. Nothing happens without strong words from her and going into her room and closing herself off for long periods of time. She has always been very physically active but has so many balance problems that she is limited in her mobility as well as cognitively. In the past few days she has started going outside without telling me in advance and without a coat. It has been bone chillingly cold here. She will not comply. We have started barricading the front door at night just so I can sleep. She has refused to bathe since returning to us in November and while I was taking her to the beauty salon weekly she has refused to go the last 3 times saying she is too weak. She wears the same clothes for 3-4 days at a time.
Now for the topper; she is a widow and has been so longer than she was married. They did not have a happy marriage and sex was something she always was very negative about. Now she has started to make "passes" at me! Trying to get me to get into her bed. I stopped going into her room after dark because of this (it's worse at night). Twice in the past week she has come out of her room wearing nothing below the waste and trying to get me to go to bed with her. I remind her that I am not Dad but Marc, her son but she is still determined. I have started going to my own room early If my kids aren't at home in the evening, and locking my door.
I have never been so disgusted in my life and I feel terrible that I only want to be away from her. I know if she goes to a nursing home it's over for her but I can't do this very long. Just needed to put this out there somewhere other than in my head. Thanks.

6 Comments

There may be a facility that would be a better fit for her than where she was. She has very severe dementia from what you have said and as bad as this is, it could get worse. She could fantasize and tell people that you had done things to her or with her and make allegations that someone would have to investigate. She needs supervision 24/7 and you can't necessarily give her that with her acting this way. Just my $0.02, not knowing what all your options are.
I am sorry you are going through this. Have you talked with your mother's dr? It is very important that you do so ASAP as some of this maybe medication she is taking or she may have dementia as well. Talking with her dr. is the first coarse of action to take. In the mean time, while waiting to get in to the dr., hire a home health caregiver to help with your mother. You don't have to tell your mother the person is there to help her but to help you, hopefully that will prevent her for refusing help from someone other than you. Make sure you leave the house for a while or say you are working from home on the computer and this person will help us both. Definitely get her in to the dr. ASAP. Hugs to you!!
She needs a nursing home now, one that specializes in Alzheimer's. Talk to her MD about getting her on a waiting list. This is late stage dementia, and it would be better for her to be in a secure facility than wander off and freeze. Accept that yes, this is the end, she is no longer in there, the mind is gone and the body will soon follow. Just make her comfortable and safe for the short time she has left.
I agree completely with pstiegman. My heart is sad for you. I am sure a NH is the best answer both for her and for you. You are a wonderful son, Marc.
Dementia is a progressive disease. So is Parkinson's. It is entirely possible that Mom's physical and cognitive health would have declined over the past two years no matter where she was living. Some environments are better than others and might reduce stress, but no environment can prevent the progression of such diseases.

I can understand why you are disgusted and why you lock yourself in your room. What a dreadful behavior to see in your mother. I hope it helps you to know that the behavior is part of the dementia ... and not part of your mother! Dementia can be disgusting. If your "real" mother could see her behavior now she would very likely be horrified and disgusted. She cannot help what is happening to her.

I agree with the posters who suggest it is time for a professional care center, and probably a memory care unit or a nursing home, and not assisted living. Do NOT regard this as a failure on your part, or as a punishment for Mom's behavior. It is simply (and sadly) a reflection on the nature of the disease.
Thank you all for your remarks. I feel much better and with regret will do what is best for my Mom. She was more than her children deserved.
Thanks again.

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