I need to find a caregiver support group for my mom and I.

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I have been living with my 81 yr old mom since April, 07. I am her main caregiver. I have 2 sisters, who live close and a brother her lives out of state....several states away. After a family conference Friday night (excluding my brother) it was decided I need a caregiver support group. I haven't found one locally yet. My sister found this web site for me and said it would help. So here I am.

Mom worries constantly about money. So every time it comes to bill paying...there is problems. I pay half of the bills. I know she lives on a fixed income, but so do I. I have also tried to realize and understand since I've been living here, is that she lived through the depression and the worry about bills and money is normal. Just makes me crazy every month.

During the family meeting it was also decided that mom and I both need family couseling...because we're like an old married couple trying to live together. I have taken care of that.

I handle all the bills, dr appts, dental appts, procedures, and medications. My sisters said they do need to help out more..so thats a help. They did say that since I was the one that lived with her...and knew how she acted or whatever was going on with her...it was best that I do the dr appts. Also, alot of people didn't need to be messing with her meds. Mom and I go to the same dentist...so I set appts at the same time. Any procedures they can take her to.

It was also decided to need to get out more, I know that and am going to start getting out more.

Anyway....this may be just rambling...but it's a start.


lock your sisters into jobs that they are responsible for at the get go like food shopping of paying certain bills or taking Mom out once a week for fast food etc and maybe your brother can send say 25 or 30 dollars a week so you can hire someone to fix a door etc- if you do not ask they will think you are supperwomen-just a suggestion-I do not like to tell people what to do - this is from my heart.
hi bamaellie!
what a great start =) I just started on this site also. So far, I have had some really great feeback. And it's so wonderful to read posts that are so similar to my situation. I recently moved back in take care of my mother for the 2nd time in my life. This time it's for the long haul. Married couple needing a divorce and quick describes us! It's why I'm here. My brother helps us out financially here and there, when he can. He can't handle what is happening to mom emotionally, so it's just me. I'm so glad your sisters have stepped up and realized you need help. Austin is very correct, lock them into things! And yes, don't be afraid to let go of some of the control. If you need something extra, ASK. That never hurt.
Thanks Austin and Kelley. Pam, baby sister, with her job is out of town alot. Sheila, our older sister....hmmmm....she is the one with ALL the answers to
EVERYBODY's problems. Honestly, it's soooo hard for me to ask anybody for anything. And I know being superwoman will kill me....put me in the hospital last year. They did have to step up then....LOL...but before they put me in the hospital...I came home....took care of mom's medication for 2 weeks. Made notes and anything else I could think of. I didn't tell them (my family) the reason why they were putting me in the hospital....just that they were going to make some medication adjustments and wanted me in a safe place.

I'm not perfect by Noooo means.... I love my mom... and when I start fussing or complaining... I always say to whoever I'm talking to.... I love my mom, but....

Again....rambling. But thanks for letting me ramble.
I have a similar situation, however my siblings are like 9 hours away. But my father and I could use some counseling cause boy we sure rattle one anothers last nerve.

He's divorced, and my mother is convinced he does what he does because he's trying to control his environment, cause, he can't walk, or move much of anything on his left side....men do not like feeling helpless, maybe women don't either, I wouldn't know being a man and all.

I simply have to suck it up, and put an end to any argument - I walk away, my parting words are, when you feel like being civil, I will come back and finish the task at hand. But most of the time, when he starts ranting, I just tune it out.
bamaellie, for shame!! take care of yourself first and foremost!! i know this firsthand!! i know that its hard, but seriously, what about you? this is why were all here. To take care of ourselves. we NEED to.

greyson, thats exactly what your dad is doing. my mom is sitting behind me right now going over a bank statement and has no clue what it is that shes reading. She keeps repeating questions and driving me bonkers right now! but it makes her feel like shes in control still. Ive told her that im not answering anymore questions until she writes down what i say. i give her that. I have all the properdocuments online and such and let her sit with the paperstatements. the past couple of days she has been wandering more lately and getting more confused. but right now she feels in control. as i type im sitting here nodding my head and mumbling "oh really?" shes happy.
Oh my....was my sister, Pam right about this being helpful! I can sit here and b@@@@, rant and complain....LOL.

Kelley....oh my ... mom does the exact same thing. Mom is almost blind...and we have one of those thingys...looks like a tv and you put whatever your reading underneath and it magnifies...she'll, but the bank statement under there and starts question everything!.

I have her bank account on line where I check if not once a day, every other day to see whats cleared and whats not. I sit her beside me here at the computer (I know she can't see...but) and tell her whats what. And when the bills come in, she sees them and knows what owed. And when the bills are paid...I tell what the amount was to start with, and what and how much was paid....and what the balance was after that...then tell her how much my part of the bills are and adding my deposit how much the amount is then. I also keep a sheet with how much each bill is...and how much my half is...and then write a receipt and staple that to the sheet of paper and write down my check # and date paid...LOL... in case the family audits me....LOL.

Greyson, I totally understand! You sound calmer than I do. Maybe family couseling would help...but your dad may not go for that. I checked into family couseling for both me and mom (because that was one of the suggestions at the family meeting), but mom doesn't want to pay any MONEY. I checked with one licensed family couselor and she'll work on a sliding scale...$40.00...$20 for me and $20 for mom. Mom thinks thats too much. I've decided though I need it for myself. I'm also looking into a support group for Alzheimers. Eventhough, mom has not been diagnosised (okay...so my spelling sucks), she does have some demintia.

Thanks to all who has responded....this does help!
wish i was as organized as you are! i keep the receipts until they have cleared so when my mom asks why $156 was spent at the grocery i can tell her exactly what we bought.. i dont want people thinking im going out to get junk and stuff.. thats my brothers worry! my worry too now.. last time i allowed her to go by herself somewhere she came home with $100 of sugar.. powdered, brown, confectioners, fine grain..she lost the receipt!! my own fault really..
Your are organized....don't sell yourself short. Does your brother help out? And no....not your fault! We have alot to deal with, along with our own bills and things. I use take mom grocery shopping with me. She rided the little cart and follow me....can't tell you how many times I've almost been ran over...LOL... After the family meeting Friday night I realized (I guess) I need to start taking mom with me again....so she can help shop, etc. Not an easy thing to do....but I guess I need to start doing that again.
i havent been able to really take her with me.. ive had a couple surgeries and had a tube in my kidney for a bit.. i couldnt leave the house for more than 20 mins.. she didnt understand that it was physically impossible for me to take her since i couldnt lift her wheelchair at the time... thank goodness im not the only one who gets run over! she gets so angry when she cant shop.. she just doesnt get that theres no money..
My dad's older brother, who of all the brothers, only seems to have an issue with his prostate, handles my dad's money. My dad put him on his account a few years ago, in case something like this happened.

I have to only keep track on stuff he wants to buy, or how much he takes out of the ATM, um no, simply the amount I allow him to take out. Than I just let my uncle know. He helps me, by driving us to the docs, going to town and retrieving prescriptions...and helping dress my dad head to toe in his cowboy get up, and heading out on sat nites for some socializing and singing at a karaoke experience. Im in Northern Arkansas, and I often find it soothing to yodel. I figure it fits the environment.

Hey bram, im probably just a tid bit anal....i go through my comments and right click on anything that has a red line underneath it....but i sure don't really care how other people spell. :)

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