Need some direction....

Follow
Share

New here, first time poster.... totally at a loss for what to do. Any direction would be greatly appreciated- thank you!

Background:

Mom 65, Dad 68, both still live independent in a mobile home but are very rural. Mom uses walker/cane, needs some help with dressing, can't drive - relies heavily on Dad. Both are on disability/retired, both are in poor health, and have very limited income.

They are isolated, no friends (their doing). Closest family (not a close relationship) is 1 hr away and they are in about the same condition physically as my parents. It is just my brother and I, we never lived close (over 3 hrs away) and now both live out of state.

About 10 years ago, Dad started to become super stubborn and angry (other health issues came up), moods are VERY labile, often difficult to determine what will set him off and can be verbally abusive. He refuses any type of counseling or medications to help with this.

Mom is absolutely miserable, wants to be near the grandkid and is very lonely; very depressed and on medication. Took some convincing and selling the idea, but my brother and I got them excited about moving closer to us, especially after seeing how much they relied on needing us... my brother needed to stay with them for 3 weeks when my Dad had surgery since Mom couldn't be alone. Now Dad is freaking out again, saying he is refusing to move. (BTW - they have lived there a little over 6 years so it is not a 'family' home.)

I realize that they have decisional capacity and they can do what they choose to do, just don't know how to handle the situations of poor planning / resources on their part and then my brother and I having to swoop in and save the day when something happens. Thankfully my brother works from home most of the time so he has more freedom to travel but neither of us can afford all the running back and forth. Both of us are tired of Mom crying about everything and being all 'Poor Me' and then Dad blowing up at the slightest things.

There is so much more to the story - but I am just at a loss as to what direction to take this.

Anyway - thanks in advance.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
4

Comments

Show:
As an older person I can tell you exactly what's happening. They feel trapped but don't want to lose their independence or become a burden.It frightens them both that they are beginning to realize they may need help.Dad gets angry, mother cries, different response to same problem.We start to forget things, we fall, we can't cook, clean etc as we use to and we're afraid to admit it.
We know our children, friends and society don't want us so hang on for dear life to the "familiarity" of our surroundings.Change frightens us, we don't know what to expect. Better the devil you know as they say.
How to talk to them? Find a suitable "new homestead" and the amentities that will appeal to them.Tell them how simple the move can be and how having them closer to you will be wonderful as you miss them and could use their advise and expertise from time to time.So much easier if they are closer to you.
Don't accentuate their growing disabilities. They already know what they are.
Be upbeat, positive and reassuring.
(0)
Report

Lori this is so tough! And there are no easy answers, as you've probably seen if you've cruised this site.

I can only report what we did,but my mom is a relatively compliant person. When she thought she could continue to live at home started to seriously compromise our heakth, safety and sanity, I sat her down and said, "Mom, this isn't working out for US. My brother ( her favorite child) is going to die of a heart attack trying to take care of your emergencies ". She argued a bit, but saw what I was talking about. I also was totally prepared to walk away if she didn't get that we needed her to comply with sensible changes that benefitted her health and safety. The way I look at it, she gave my brother an me poa and hcp years ago when she was cognizant of the fact that there might come a time when her wishes would conflict with her own best interests. I wish you and your parents only good things.
(1)
Report

Thank you so much for your response. It was pretty much what I thought but was starting to second guess myself. So wish this getting older thing was easier. ;)
(0)
Report

Yes, they both have capacity. Mom can leave and change her way of life if she chooses. The only person you can change is you. When Dad went for surgery, did anyone recommend rehab?

You may have to wait for some other surgery or accident, unfortunately. But you CAN point out to mom that she COULD pick up and leave him. You might get her on dome lists for low cost senior housing or an AL that accepts Medicaid.
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions