I need help in moving my Dad to a retirement home & taking away his keys. We have talked about this for 6 months but he is against moving.

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I have had many people tell me they moved their loved one in one day. Brought them to the new home and said this is what we are going to do. I am scared to do this b/c he is so against moving. He was diagnosed with post-concussion syndrome 5 years ago. This is a short term memory issue that has gotten worst in the last year. I know it is turning into dementia fast. He can’t remember 30 seconds ago...or vaguely. I’ll ask him not to go by the doctors, dentist, or wherever and he says ok but goes anyway; or not to call his CPA or doctor,or other businesses but does several times a day. He says does not remember telling me he would not go or call. At the end of a day I’ll call and ask where he went that day and he can’t tell me what he did. He will go in the bank or VA serveral times in an hour or two not remembering he was just there. He says he does remember but he had another question... of which he didn't -- it was the same questions each time. He might be able to tell me he went one place but he is guessing. He is in extremely good physical health. He has the reasoning skills of a toddler which scares me the most. He is getting more and more agitated quickly. I have many friends telling me I need to get him some where fast and I'm doing the right thing in moving him w/o his consent. Especially his doctor and close few friends. I'm his only living imediate family relative. He is 78 yrs old. I'm afraid he will get physical when I move him. He would just die if he understood the way he is behaving. I do have Power of Attorney.


3930 helpful answers
I'm so glad you have POA. This is so sad for many reasons but especially, as you say, he'd feel so bad if he could see himself from "outside". That is likely true of most people with dementia.
You could call social services and ask them to do a welfare check on him. If the social worker spends any time with him, he or she should see what's going on. They could help put "teeth" into getting him moved. At any rate, you do need a third party to help you. If social services can't, can a church leader or family friend? This is one of the toughest things you'll do, but he can't go on like this. He could be in danger and you'll feel terrible then. You might want to go to your state website and check our your National Family Caregiver's Support Program. They could give you some local tips.
Take care,
Take him to the Doctor for an "evaluation of his memory". Tell the doctor just what you've written (print it off and give to the Dr. or better yet mail IT TO THE DOCTOR BEFOREHAND (sorry. cap lock on) and call them beforehand. Hopefully, they will talk to him, and do a standardized memort test such as the MOCA (Montreal Cognitive Assessment) or the mini-MENTAL STATUS EXAM (SORRY CAP LOCK). (MOCA is more sensitive but less well-known. Either way, with the story and the exam, the Dr. will be able to diagnose the dementia and really help you do the best for your Dad. I am a Family Doctor and this happens about 1-2 times a month in my office. This can help greatly, as the diagnosis will validate your concerns, but also because often a drug like donepezil (Aricept) can help a great deal with memory and other day -to dAY ACTIVITIES.
Steve, Are you saying that Aricept is expected to improve the dementia? This isn't true. It will reduce the speed of the decline but only slightly. My mom was on this and the one thing that increased the speed of decline was when she stopped sewing for friends. One month later when she was able to go back to it she was no longer able to remember how to operate the machine. All while she was on this medication. It may work but not at a discernible rate.
PS Texas, you need to stop him from driving yesterday! Call the local department of motor vehicles and report his behavior and explain your concerns. Find out what you have to do to have his license taken away. You might even move the car when he isn't aware. I'm sure you are concerned about his behavior if you do this but what would you do if he was involved in an accident and someone was hurt or killed?
LJK, even though my mother-in-law lives in asst. living, I am the one that sees to her needs outside of that. She, like your dad, can't remember diddly squat anymore. But she KNOWS and ADMITS she has an awful memory, so has come to trust me when I tell her stuff. She used to argue with me when I'd tell her that we were going to her doctor appt. for example, because she couldn't remember us talking about it. Now three years later, she just goes along with me whatever I tell her, because she knows I've probably already told her. It's a matter of trust I believe. Also, your dad is going to need more than just retirement (if you can ever get him to go) he's going to need asst. living. There is no way he's going to remember when to take a pill, or go to the dining room to eat. It used to be terribly frustrating to have to repeat myself 100 times (no lie) a day, when she'd ask me the same question. But now after 3 years and much prayer (no lie about that either) I can honestly say it rolls off my shoulders. I just repeat myself, and she and I keep talking until she asks the same question again. Oh well....
My 93 yo father in law was driving around getting lost in the WalMart parking lot. The mother in law wouldn't use a taxi because it was too expensive, so we hid the keys. Sorry we don't know where they are. She went to live with her daughter and after 4 months got him to an assisted living facility. Get th
Get the keys away from him before he kills someone.

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