Nasty hurtful Dad.

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Hello as I am writing this I am asking myself, how much more can I take ? Am a 43 year old man who is married to my wonderfull wife for the past ten years and we have 4 great kids and we have our own hair salon.
The thing is my elderly mother & farther they live ten doors down from us, my mum had a massive stroke nearly 40 years ago it paralysed her down her left side and severely impaired her speech and now is wheel chair bound due to arthritis.
My dad has all ways looked after her and delt with all her needs and I respect him for that, but now in later life all this has become a lot harder for him to cope with, so I have all ways been more than happy to help and have sorted every thing from careers to getting a stair lift fitted in there house and dealing with social workers for him , also making sure the shopping is done and making doctors appointments and taking him to them.
When we make a hot dinner I take some round to there's, thinking it is a nice thing to do, he has never been a easy man to get along with ask my brother, my dad did his level best to push him away and succeeded they have not talked to each other for 27 years ! I did try to work things out with my brother but to no avail, I get accused of saying things that I haven't, and when I try to stand up to him about the lies am told to pissoff ! I have also been accused of not caring or taking time to speak to him or being there for him, no matter what I do or how I try to involve him in our family he just has a go at every one, one day it is our children the next the neighbours then the hospital staff or the optician, and the world and his dog.
How ever he has now started on my wife accusing us of only caring about money, we are in the middle of some legal stuff which my dad said he will help with the costs which I am paying back ASAP, but at what point did this give my dad a green light to treat us like the stuff you find on the bottom of your shoe! I am at my wits end with his nasty tongue he lies when he knows he goes to far and says things like " how can you be angry at a old man who can't remember what his said ! " I don't think I can carry on I have tried to reason with him but it falls on deaf ears, I just don't know how to cope any more.


I think he is scared to the bones. He knows he can't keep this up. Early in dementia, you know you are losing your grip on things. He is angry, he is afraid what will happen to both of them. He has probably found out he can't get Medicaid because he gave money away. So he feels trapped, on edge of an abyss. Join forces with your brother, because Dad will attempt to divide you to keep you from taking over his life. It's part of a desperate attempt to stay in control when your mind is slipping away.
Anger is common in people who have memory issues. So is paranoia. If the person was kind of hard to deal with before, expect it to get much worse as time goes on. It doesn't always, like in my case with my mom, but most of the time it does get worse, even to the point of becoming violent with you. If your father has ALZ or Dementia understand that his ability to reason may be affected. No amount of explaining or reasoning works on a brain that can no longer comprehend logically. In these cases self defeating behaviors are the norm. Try your best not to take anything personal..think of it as the illness and age speaking and not your father. You seem like a wonderful son and I know you know this in your heart. Focus on that and not on his behavior.
You can't reason with a person who has dementia. You can only arrange for their care and try not to be hurt by what they say.
Thank you for your views, a common thread in them is dementia which he has been tested for and has not got it, as for my brother there is no chance what so ever of us being brothers ever again, so yo see it all falls on me
Two thoughts: WHO tested your dad for dementia? His internist, or a geriatric neuropsychologst with a 3 or 4 hour battery of tests? If the answer is not the second, that's where you need to be going, so that you understand what is capacity to understand his actions is.

Second, if YOU think he doesn't have dementia and you don't want to go through getting a second opinion, then your answer is "why bother?" If he's going to bad mouth you to the neighbors, family and friends ANYWAY, why take him food and do for him.? Let him feel the expected consequences of being a hateful old man. Stop helping him. See if someone else steps up. If he asks for your help, give it until he makes a comment and walk out with a "I'll be back when you remember the manners you taught be, Dad".

My suspicion is that he DOES have dementia, knows it, and is scared, as Pam says. He needs a higher level of support than you can give him from here on in.

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