My son (31) whom has no relationship with me or his Dad for his own reasons.

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Which are now to the point of point to a disorder of something, he has written me and stated he would like to meet. So I said, ok, anytime, you and me alone, and he writes back, I am afraid to be with you alone? really people, he has had a baby, I have talked to his brother, and his brother said when he went to Jordon three years ago, they brainwashed him. Afraid, I am the softest person in the world. He is afraid of not hearing what he wants to hear, which is I was a horrible mom. No I was and am not a horrible mom, I am a caregiver as all of you know and now care for including in the housecleaning 7 children (not all together) they very much like me and give me hugs, it is truly a loving statement. So, all of you that told me to get rid of my son, this is what he said, so, I would like to have your entire family there excluding your parents (elderly), and I say no, why? because these are the two sisters that mailed back my stocking two years ago because "there was not enough room for my husband and I" we all know that is bull, and I believe I have the answer. My husband and I have hated the fact that each year for 20 years we have felt (our fault) forced to go on a vacation with the entire flipping family, we could not stand it, as it was very dysfunctional. So. my son is doing this obviously because my sisters, have not talked to me in years, and what the heck, it is his security blanket. I said, no, this is between your mother and you and if you are using my grandchild as a pawn shame on you. I did say shame on you I said "It would be sad to use my grandchild as a pawn". What Daniel, you were raised in a middle class home, you were attended to, you were given every academic issue needed and I do not understand, and course, why the entire family and your cousins. If this is about telling the family all that is wrong with your mom, allow me to state the 50 things that I did really good, then I named them. I know most of you will say I am wasting my time, but this is the last email. I said stop debating me, you have not answered one question that I have asked you in the month of December and January, please be an adult, and I am not putting you down, but why is it that we adults have to walk on eggshells so we do not hurt your feelings.
You know better than that.


I don't want to put you down, but what you wrote comes across as very hostile. I know you have been hurt, but if he is truly "brainwashed" and trying to sort out his relationship with you telling him 50 reasons he is wrong hardly seems helpful. Would he consider meeting with you with a non-biased third party, a therapist perhaps?
So, he says he is afraid of meeting you alone. What is his proposal for meeting? I understand that you do not understand why he's afraid of this, but nonetheless, if you want to work at the repair of this relationship, you have to meet him, psychologically speaking, where he is. Which is, for right now, afraid.

Please stop trying to analyse this situation. Just meet him with a third party, or perhaps a public place, like a Starbucks would be sufficient to allay his fears. It DOES sound as though you are apt to become emotional in certain situations and perhaps this is what he fears.

If you want to help be part of the solution, you are going to have to stop insisting that you are right about everything, and listen to him.
If you want to reestablish a relationship with your son, forget who is right and who is wrong and meet him on his terms. What is more important, you being right or having your son in your life?
This definitely needs a third party mediator, who has no allegiance to either one of you. Short meeting, maybe an hour and then build on that later. This is obviously going to take a very long time. Being right and wrong has nothing to do with anything.
I obviously have to write it differently to get the correct answer and I do not know what the answer is.

I do know that I suggested meeting alone, and with a third party, and he said no.

He said he wanted it to be just me and people he knows.

My son stated that his is using his child to recreate a relationship with me and that this is all about him hearing me say I am sorry for everything I did as a mother.

If all of you look at how you wrote, you do not know the details, and the details, are about my son, and his early years, and the love and care I gave him, and he then went to Jordon, after he came back from jordon is the day he would not speak to me.

I need to work.

With my son in this world, everything has to do with being right.

He has done this same thing to his father also. He wanted our permission to remarry etc. It is just too long to put on aging care , and I do not need to hear that I am analyzing. My God, I have written to him every way he wanted me to and he never once answered the questions.

I talked to people that know me and him and they said, I am to soft, I am a pushover, and I am the one person in this life that he can try repeat try to push his power around.

Again, where is he psychologically. I would not know, but I would think he is in a very deep spot in his life.

One child says mom, we had a great childhood, we had some little things but nothing huge. He is just angry at things, in his childhood that have nothing to do with you. He knows you are the only one that will be the punching bag.

He will not meet me with a third party unless it is someone of his choice. He will not meet with a mediator, or anyone that is a unbiased third party.
My three children had three very different childhoods with the same parents; my brothers and I had three very different childhoods.

Your son is wanting to reconnect with you because he's now a father and he's beginning to understand that it's not all black and white. In your shoes, I would meet him wherever and however he wants to meet. If he becomes abusive, you have a choice of leaving and saying "I'm sorry, but this is not productive". You aren't going to find out anything if you don't meet with him.

Other people cannot give you the answer to "where he is psychologically". Other people validating what you did during his childhood does not mean that he didn't feel harmed at the time.
He has problems. Do not make them yours. I might try calling him, without talking about the problem. Tell him something newsy and then, say "see you soon."
I'm sure this has been difficult for your family, however I agree with above. Meet him on neutral ground, take someone with you or meet at a counselor's office. We each have to make our own choices, but It's probably not a good idea to speak in a negative way about his lifestyle or beliefs. While it may not be true, if he has mental illness or has been 'brained washed', then he needs help. Life is to short and can change in an instant. If he's willing to communicate, do so but remember to take small steps.
I would like to respectively ask everyone whom has responded to view all the supportive responses that I received from you in December.

I am going to remove this post, and rewrite it. I am human, and i too say things that are incorrect. Perhaps I thought this was a safe place just to ramble. I wasn't rambling false things. Just how I FELT AT THE moment.
I apologize, if this appears to be confusing, but this issue is very big to me, and want to the the correct thing. Humans are humans, and if we knew what other thought then we would not have conflicts.
Thank all of you for your continued support.

Thank you Chicago1954. I really respect what you wrote.

but It's probably not a good idea to speak in a negative way about his lifestyle or beliefs. (I thought I was writing to a safe place, not a place where you would think that is what I would actually do). That is the best way to chase someone away forever.

Please remember, I am a caregiver, and a caregiver with letters of love and kindness.

May you all be blessed, and remember when you have your knee jerk moments that cause you to react with too much emotion, may there be someone in your corner to assist you and continue to be the loving caring person that you are.

Sincerely with love and moving forward,



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