My Mother is destroying me mentally!

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My mother is destroying me mentally! Me and my mother use to get along before her and my father divorced. After the divorce, drama and pain. Me and my little brother were split apart; me living with my mother, brother living with my dad. My mother grew up as a person to let men take care of her. That's how her dad taught her to be like. When she married my father, she was a military wife, hardly worked bc she had kids to take care of.

Now she is divorced from 20 years and decided to get back with my father 3 years later. They were together for 5 years; her living in his house. They are now not together (my father kicked her out) and she is now living with me and my daughter (3 yrs old). My mother makes me feel as if I am responsible for her. I work everyday and I am a 24/7 mommy. Before my mother moved in with me, I told her she needs to pay $250 in rent, pay half of the electric bill, and half of the cable bill bc my mother is the kind of person to have men take care of her, and I am not going to be taking care of no adult, especially one who gets half on a retirement check and an SSI check and does not work and I have to take care of me and my daughter.

My mother makes me feel as if I owe her something in life. When I use to live with my mother (when she had her low-income apt), I was paying her bills and was working at Taco Bell mon-Sunday. I was 17 years old at the time. I was helping my mom so much that I could not afford my cap and gown for graduation. My mother was getting money, but wanted all of my money. There was a time when I told her that I could not pay her bills bc I was trying to save for a car, and she kicked me out (my clothes were in black trash bags outside the door). I was still 17 going through this, so I had stayed with a close friend.

My mother always wants things her way, and when she does not get her way, she makes me feel like I am the most terrible person in the world. My little brother never had money so he would ask my mother and father for money. My mother knew she could not go to him for money, so she came to me bc I am always a working woman. My mother is always asking me for money, and she be having money. She horrible with managing her money. She likes to go shopping and spends most of her money on beer and cigarettes.

My grandmother passed away 10/23/14. I understand that she is gone, but since that, my moms' been giving this "I don't give a f%#*" attitude toward people (especially me though). When my dad kicked her out, she started comparing me to him in a negative way bc I work and take care of my household, so I feel as if she thinks I am like her spouse or sponsor. So when I tell her how I feel about things, she says "you treat me just like how your father treats me, like s%#*!". My mother drinks beer everyday now and that drains me mentally bc I don't want my daughter growing up around that in her household. I tell my mom about it but we end up arguing. She tells me " I am your mother, I am grown, your grandmother use to do it around yawl when yawl were babies, so get off my back about my beer".

It took a long time for my mother to be a grand parent to my daughter. My mother to be very stingy with her grandparenting. I use to pay $748 a month for daycare while mother would just sit in the house all day doing nothing but drink her beer. When I would ask for help, she would say "I need my me time". Now she keeps her now that my daughter is in head-start (and headstart does not cost anything).

My mother is getting better with her grandparenting skills, but when we are in a bad space, she uses my daughter to get back at me, knowing that I need her help. I just want to get away from her now! But I know that my mom does not have anywhere to go. I feel that my mother manipulates me, she wants me to feel bad for her bc of her situation, and she keeps throwing in my face that I am going to leave her out there to be homeless.

My mother still have family in Chicago. She does not want to go back there bc my grandmother passed away there. My grandfather is still living, and all of her sisters live there as well. I just don't know what to do. Can someone please give me some advice?

29 Comments

Time to put your Mom's clothes in black trash bags and leave them by the front door. She's an adult, she can figure it out.
Bingo!
It may not be OK for her to be homeless, but it is definitely not OK for her to be demanding your support and contribute nothing. If she is able to take care of herself, she could be in a board and care home or independent living. If she is going to stay with you, you have done really well to make even a little progress towards her being a real grand-mom, which is more change than a lot of people ever see.

It is not easy to set limits with your own mom, and if she is cognitive enough for family counseling or even elder mediation, that could work for you. You have a right not to be verbally abused and compared unfairly to someone (who quite possibly had valid reasons he could not put up with her either, BTW) and you can insist on it stopping as a condition of living in your home. I do not know how much insight Mom is capable of, maybe not enough, but maybe some, and I do not know how much beer we are talking about, but AA and Alanon could be resources too. I'd be worried about your little one being exposed to smoke as well, even if it is all done outdoors, a lot of irritants come in on the clothing.

Check with your Area Agency on Aging to see what other options may be available if she will not move to Chicago or no one else will take her in.
@vstefans Thank you for the advice. I know for a fact that my mom won't be homeless, she just uses that to make me feel bad so I can allow her to stay here. I don't even feel comfortable in my own home bc she is here. I hate when she acts cautious with me and she is the one who manipulates the crap out of me! When my lease is up, we have to go our separate ways. My mother is a survivor. She's never been homeless and knows she never will be.
Tatianna, it sounds like she doesn't really need you to take care of her. She just likes to use your resources. I feel your pain and anger about it. Some people are very dependent and at the same time bites the hand that feeds them. My mother is much the same way. She was very dependent on her parents. They finally gave her some money and put her on the bus so she could go to school. She met my father, who took care of her for the next 60 years. Then she passed to me. She has never had to fend for herself. Someone has always been available to look after her. She never learned a trade or how to drive. But she did raise four children, which of course is about the hardest job in the world.

I don't know if your mother is bad enough to call it a personality disorder, but you may want to read about dependent personality disorder to give you some clues what to do. You can break the bonds of her dependency. I don't know how old she is. I read that she receives SSI, so I assume there is some type of physical problem.

See if you can find a senior community near you that has subsidized housing. Some of the communities may be ideal for her. That way the kids could still have a grandma, but you would be able to break the bond of dependency with her. Another benefit is that she might not have the money to buy so much beer and cigarettes.
BTW, when my mother makes a comment like I'm getting just like my father, I say "Thank you. He was a good person." She has to agree. Maybe you could find something similar to say that is a positive response to a negative statement.
She's gotta hit the road. Three year old in the house? Your way too young to spend the rest of your life putting up with this. She needs some tough love. I mean really TOUGH love........
@JessieBelle Thank you for the advice. It was really helpful. My mother is 47years old and gets SSI from panic attacks. She can work, but she uses her health to not work. She has not been to the hospital in about 8 months now, and when she does go, it because of a cough. When a job is brought up to her, she says "I don't want to lose my SSI check", and the check is only $116 a month and she gets $670 of my dad's retirement a month. She can be making at least $600 a month working part time. I am so done! She is drinking as I type and the vibe is so negative around here. She knows her drinking beer is getting to me. @windyridge you are so right about tough love. When I use to give her tough love, she thought I did not love her at all! What a pain! I have to move forward with my life.
Your mom kicked you to the curb when you were 17.. and you feel guilty about haveing her move out? Oh heck no!! Tough love sister, and you and your child get on with your lives. Do NOT let her guilt you.. just remind her how she helped you at 17.... she is not ill and does not have dementia.. just a huge case of lazies!
@pamzimmrrt real talk

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