My mother disregards my every wish. It is like she is acting out.

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I don't ask much but need to keep her as active as possible. I'm 54 she is 81. I've given up any possible life for her and she goes against any request I ask. If I ask her to make sure she goes to the bathroom 2 times a day she rebels an doesn't go for days. Guess who cleans it up. We don't have any kind of in home except once a week self pay for baths. If I ask her not to feed the dog her expensive shrimp she asks for every night, she disregards. However when I say I think it's time to look at other options she starts crying. I'm mad and hurt and damn confused. It has been 4 years now that she has lived with me. My health is suffering and I've been self medicating with ancho to numb my pain. I take great care of her but not me.


Dear Sandwich,

I hear you and I'm so sorry things are so tough with your mom. I know you are trying to do you best by her. I wonder if your mom has other health issues affecting her mental ability. I know it looks like she is acting out on purpose, but I wonder if there is something else going on. What medications does she take? Could it be the side effects? Does she have vascular dementia? Diabetes? High blood pressure? A personality disorder?

Please take the time to call Adult Protective Services? There is help in the community and through church. Do not continue like this, its a no win situation in the long run. I too was in your shoes and I let the anger and resentment just choke me. I really regret this and wished I could go back in time and do things differently. Take the time now because there are options. I hope the social worker can help you with them.
"I take great care of her but not me." Why? Is she more worthy of care than you are? Is her life more important than yours? Why would you "give up any possible life for her"? I understand love, and sacrifice, but this sounds like martyrdom. I don't understand why anyone could choose that. I DON'T mean this as a criticism of you, but I do wonder if perhaps some sessions with a therapist would help you understand your own role in your unhappiness. Because you very definitely do deserve to be happy!

Your profile says Mom has "mobility problems." Is she wheel-chair bound? Bed-bound? Able to get around with a walker? Exactly what is her level of of dependence? What can she do on her own, and what does she need help with?

She has lived with you for 4 years. Does she pay room and board? If she pays for her own groceries, let her feed her dog whatever she wants to. If you pay for the groceries, why are you buying things you consider too expensive?

If you know that she resists your suggestions, why so you suggest how often she should use the bathroom? I guess I'm really asking what level of care she needs. For example, if she were in an assisted living facility, would she need an aid to remind her of when to go to the bathroom, or could she be assumed to be competent in that particular area?

Does your mom have dementia or Alzheimer's? My mom showed child like behavior with her dementia. She was that kid who did the opposite of anything I said. I really had to start correct those behaviors like you would a child. You could not reason with her, she truly did not understand and like a child wanted to push her boundaries of what I would tolerate. I am not saying punish, but the technique of how to redirect a child's behavior worked with her.
Yes thank you for your feedback. I'm actually looking into a cheaper place for us so we can get more help for both of us. I think that alone will take some of the pressure off.
I do think she is starting to get some dementia. Not really noticeable unless you know her like I do and spend all this time with her. Knowing that could be the cause brings me great relief actually. I felt like she was doing it out of boredom.

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