my moms money

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Is my sister allowed to use my moms money in the bank to take care of her if she's already using all her S.S check every month? And how much is legal for her to use of the check every month.

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It is impossible to make anyone legally "care or love". I do want to say that it is better to be conservative and try to keep your family intact. Mediating is a skill worth learning.

As far as using a seniors social security goes - if she is in her right state of mind, it is better to try to come to terms with your sister. I read horror stories both ways, and am always amazed by how some people turn it into a complete power trip. People become caregivers for different reasons, and sometimes the family dynamics aren't healthy. You don't need a POA - you can be designated "representative payee". You may not even need a lawyer - try talking first. Carol made a good point about how it takes more money than most people think. Diapers are expensive, and so is everything else - from meds to cable for entertainment, to just life - and 'eldercare' is now being seen as the hot new growth industry (yep - look at how much those home health agencies and medical supply companies charge - yikes)

If you truly want to help, then start off by asking honestly what is going on with your mom and sister and whether you can help out and probably chip in to cover those expenses. If you figure 24/7 live in care, no social security check can cover that. If you truly believe that there is a problem then go for it, but first know what is really happening before calling a lawyer. (they are in business too.....so if you call one, be prepared to pay & have a fight)

On the sad side, there is many times the sibling who decides that they "know what's best" and make everyone elses life a living hell - look in the mirror occasionally and ask yourself if it is the right thing, or the thing you want. (nb - people who don't self-examine and make everyone else the problem usually don't take this step, so if you do it with a sincere heart, then you are 1/2 way to your solution). It is your mom's money and her life -
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A good attorney is your best protection for both your mom and yourselves. Please seek one out. Parkinson's related dementia can be particularly difficult. A family support group, clergy, or other resource for comfort and information would also be a part of my recommendation. Choose someone or a group you can trust with your feelings. Regarding your mom's well-being, every state has some form of protective services for elders. When the issues involve family dynamics, the reporting individuals must be prepared for conflict, anger, and possibly estrangment. Not easy by any stretch of the imagination but sometimes necessary for the safety of the elder at risk.
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Ronconccc:
Do not let another day go by. Find an attorney who is experienced in Elder Law and who can provide good references. Explain your situation and do exactly what he/she tells you to do. TIME IS of the ESSENCE! The longer your mom stays with your sister, the better case she can build against you. So even if you win in court, the damage done to your mom will be irreversible. There are state and federal laws designed to prevent this very situation so the law is on your side. Still you have to retain a lawyer to guide you because the law is also blind--your sister could easily be the one rescuing your mom from you. But as SecretSister related above: the burden of proof will be on your sister to explain why she did nothing to help mom since 2004. Hang in there!
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Currently, she is with my sister, and has been there for a week. I am calling an attorney today, and get things settled once and for all. I'm truly afraid the alcohol will kill her.

My daughters stopped over last night, and told me that while my sister was having her fabulous vacations, calling me and telling all about them, I couldn't get away at anytime. When Mom decided to overdose on laxatives, I was up at 2:OO AM running the carpet cleaner.
I know part of this sounds like a bit of a pity party, but my daughters reminded me that I, too, have a life, the right to vacations.
I have learned lots from all of you, and have decided that my life is about to change for the better.
My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer this past year, and while I was emptying catheter bags, helping him stay clean, etc., my sis stopped in for weekly visits for me to make her coffee, while she sat and smoked her cigs. At no time did it enter her mind to take Mom for a week or two so that I could concentrate on my husband.

Apparently, I am the family slave. However since slavery was abolished several centuries ago, I feel that perhaps my time and my life may actually have a value.
Thank you
roncon
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Dear ronconccc, Is your mom with you or with your sister. If you are in charge of her financially and health care, you must stop what is going on. I had problems with my brother, my mom had taken him in way before her illness was started after four marriages and three women in lived with and many children of all he walk out on, I had to talk to her. he abused her and took money and advantage of her. It was all listed in her will that was done way before she came down with the alzheimers. Even though some family members say they will help. they do more harm. mom was on medicine and I even beleive my own brother gave her some things. She is at peace now after taking care of her for ten years, watching over her and back and forth visist to New York from Florida. I moved her down to Florida in 2007 and she lived a good llife in a beatuful assisting living in Tampa Fl. I was able to take care of her on my own. My husband had a heart attack, and I was mis informed how bad her condtion was. I was with her every day almost and even did sleep overs. She past away in my arms. But I always made sure she was safe and cared for. Of which she got the most loving care any one could ask for. She is with dad now. The alcohol does not mix with the medicine they give for Azheimers/Dementia patients. Step in you sound like you care alot of what is going on, the nasty part is from the dementia. and the alcohol does not help matters. Yes your mom may turn on you but remember she does not mean it, it is part of the illness. I have gone through it all both sides from sweet and kind to the dark side. Hold you head up and you are doing the right thing. Talk to your sister and just ask if she is giving mom anything to drink. Tell mom you love her and will be there for her always. Bless you, hang in. patrica61
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thank you so much. I made a typo in my discussion.
She could take care of herself neither financially NOR physically. I went to an accountant, explained the situation, and he advised us that she should gift us the money on her IRS return if we would be the ones caring for her, and that's how it was handled. Mom is on several meds, none of which mix with alcohol, but after out last conversation I suspect that sis is giving her drinks. Mom was so nasty and beligerent with me.
I an truly concerned with her well being, but with her dementia, she is easily swayed, and I understand that people with this condition easily turn on the one they have depended on for so long.
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Get thee to an attorney. You must protect yourself from your sister's wickedness. NOT a good situation. I would also question whether your sister has your mother's best interests at heart. Hopefully, you documented everything you and your husband did. If not, do so now. Your sister will not be able to say what she's done to help your Mom since 2004, so that will speak volumns. But find a good lawyer. (They're not all good.) You need to protect your Mom, as well... (Probably she cannot.) Will be praying for you. Let us know how things work out.
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I posted this prob lem on another topic and did not get many responses, so I'll try it here.
My Dad passed away in 1999, leaving my mom in her own home. My husband and I retired to move to Florida, just a few blocks from her.
She was then diagnosed with Parkinsons, and it soon became apparent that she could no longer live alone, financially not physically. She didn't even have enough money left to pay her taxes. I called my sister, who responded "sorry, I have my own life."
After much thought, we decided to sell both our small homes, and build one that was large enough for the three of us, and of course the house had to be granny proofed, i.e., no step downs, seats in the shower, etc.
I forgot to mention that my sister has been an alcoholic for at least 35 years and cares about noone but herself.
When the decision to build a house was made, I called my sister and told her that Mom's money was going into the new house, the house would be in my and my husbands name only, and that there would be no inheritance for her. Her reply was, "do whatever you need to do."
My mother has the dementia that goes along with Parkinsons.
My husband and I have lived with her since 2004, covering all her expenses. We pay the taxes, utilities, food, insurances, and car expenses, leaving Mom with over $1000 per month to spend on whatever she wishes. In other words, we have cared for her 24/7, without any offer from dear sis.
Now, she is divorced, and during this past week has convinced my Mother that we cheated her out of her money, and we should give all the money back. Sis came and got her and Mom has lived there for a week, and is now so against me that I cannot even discuss anything on the phone with her.
Advise, please
We have spent everything we have on Mom's care, and cannot afford to give anything back.
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Sadly, ezcare is right. Money and relatives do make strange bedfellows. For some reason, family members who take no role in caregiving sometimes feel entitled to their elder parents' resources, perhaps resisting the access of necessary care in the interest of saving those resources. If your POA has not been revoked, you should retain some authority to at least make certain money is being spent wisely and in your parent's behalf. Please see an attorney to determine your rights and responsibilties with any changes that have been made. Difficult an action as it may be, each state has elder protective services designed to prevent the misappropriation of an elder's assets. One must be prepared for the strong possibilities of broken relationships if such action is taken. These are always difficult and heartbreaking situations.
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Yes, ezcare. I am in your corner. Come out fighting. I trust no one!!!! Sad, I know, but I have learned my lesson.
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