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This is the stupidest decision I have ever agreed to. My sister had a stroke and I was painted into a corner. I should have left her go into independent living. I am a smart professional woman and because she went to my cardiologist I was stuck with her. I have been told I Am a social climber, show,off and loud crude and rude. If My marriage can get through this, I will be surprised. DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!
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anndel, when you say that you "can't throw her out," is this because she made a financial investment in the addition to the house? I would say that your parents got more than their money's worth out of their part of the costs. It gave your father great pleasure.

Since your mother says she'd rather she had died from cancer than to be living with you, would she really mind so much leaving? Could she go back to the kind of flat she lived in before and misses so much? Is she able to live independently?

I think you need to bring in someone from social services to help you explore options for making your lives better.

I was surprised at your last sentence. I'm glad you at least had a lovely mum in your childhood. Apparently something happened to change your mother. A stroke, maybe, or a blow to the head, or somehow a cruel mental illness has drastically changed her behavior. I feel very sorry for the poor woman. But making your lives miserable is not doing her any good, so I see no reason to sacrifice yourselves.

Please call in some professional help, and let us know how this is going for you.
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Hi
Here we go don’t know how to break it down all the events that have happened, but will try it will be boring. My name is Ann 53 only Child married to my husband Del for 15 years no children, when got married Del thought it was a good idea if my parents Gwen and Syd who were 70 at the time came and lived with us and move from a flat in London to a cottage in the country .We all paid 6 thousand pounds each and had extension put on the cottage.
My Dad was an easy going man, a nice man, and a lovely dad wasn’t very well at the time, but the country side did him good and he got better, potting round the garden, going down to the local, fishing, making new friends, playing with my little dogs, he love a bit of house work he liked to busy, it was like the house he never had everything for him was perfect.
My Mother on the other hand let’s says she was the opposite of Dad and she hated everything I can’t list all her objection it would take too long to write down. My Dad use to tell her they were much better off here and that they never had it so good much better off than they had ever been just paying £100 week and stop moaning and try and look on the bright side .
Well three years ago we lost my dad and my mother got cancer of the bowel and I left my job to look after her she over the cancer now she wished that the cancer killed her as it would have been better then living with me, it’s been a nightmare she 85 now strong willed very opinionated it’s like living with a stroppy teenager, she tales tails, blackmails me, phones my dad’s family and moans on how bad we treat her they know what she’s like they don’t like her much ether, Her own mother was not keen on her and her sister hated her.
she doesn’t like my cooking it’s too hot, to cold, over done, under done, foreign muck .Del won’t take her out for a meal anymore because she makes a loud fuss of complaining to staff in the restaurant ,that their food is rubbish.
Took her on holiday to Thailand for two week she had silly disagreement with dell about butter being left out the table, and would not live her room for two weeks what a fun time we had. So we never go anywhere or do anything where just her prisoners.
She just wants everything her way; I have to agree with everything she says. She is domineering monster she hits me and screams at me and sometimes I have lost it and grabbed her by the writs to shut her up so said she would phone social services and have me arrested , its terrible thing to say hate her, she made my life a misery with her moaning on and on all day and night .I dread every day I have to spend with her, at least Del goes to work and has 9 hours of sanity time, Del and I don’t know what to do we can’t throw her out, sometimes we feel like killing our self just to get away from her because she is really getting us down. I know we really need some help here but from whom, people would not believe us what life is like, and we both sound like a right pair of loonies. When I was a child she was a lovely Mum and couldn’t bear to be away from her because a loved her so much.
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Boy!!! Do my sister and I relate to you very much. Our mother has lived with us since 1983 and we both have given up our whole life for her. She is now 90 and can not get around and we have to take care of her in all areas of her life. She can not see or hear and now all she wants to do is sleep and starting today she can not even tell wen she has to go to the bathroom. She complains that we do not d enough for her and I have lost my job because I have to stay at home to help out with her. My sister has helath pombles herself and we have an older sister who is no help. Belive me when I say our prayers are with you and we understand baout not haveing a LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! Bu stay strong and know that you are not alone.
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Linda, I'm new here, and this may well be covered in later threads, but I am very curious about whether you have made changes in your household.
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I don't mean to come off like i am attacking you because i was once in your place my mom died of Alzheimer two years ago ,she raised 8 kids by herself and she was a good woman who worked really hard but towards the end when she was getting Alzheimer ...all of us kids were so busy with our own life and then my mom started to need us more and more and i heard my sisters bitching about what a problem it was and i just remember sitting with my mom and the only thing she asked ever was that if she gets sick please don't put her in a home let her just die on her property at home but we were all to selfish it didn't matter that my mom had spent all that time on each of us when we were babies , when we were sick ,when we had a play at school she sacrificed her life for us but then when she needed us ..oh then she became a bother ..how dare she interrupt our life and make us spend time with her ,,,well she is dead now and let me tell you something i regret that so much .......she is dead now and gone forever ,forever do you get it your mom is 90 she will be dead soon and you will never ,ever get to see her face or spend time with her ever ever do you understand ..she will be gone forever so love her and talk to her and give the last of her life a good memory in your heart you wont regret ..
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I fully understand what you are going through, my father is 80 and mom is 78 - they have lived with us for the past 10 years ! They were experiencing financial difficulties and yes this was the biggest mistake of my life I really wish my husband had put his foot down at the time but what do you do - you can't not help. My only wish is that I have two brothers and a sister if only they could take the folk's more often it would be alot better. My Dad is relatively easy going BUT the old girl is incredibly difficult - likes being the centre of attention - if she hasn't had much attention then she will have some ailment etc go gain the much needed attention from friends and family, which we know is an utter sham. Trust me her and I have had our differences!!! My husband and I have four children and boy did the old couple interfere after the first couple of years it ended up with me locking the kids rooms whils't they were at school so that she would stay out of their stuff. She has thrown stuff at the kids slapped them and the worst was when she slapped my one son through his face! The biggest problem is that she does not listen the amount of times that we have had to put her in her place is ridiculous and my Dad sticks up for her. But they won't go and stay with anyone else in the family instead. She tells utter stories etc to friends about how she cannot visit them because she has to cook etc - what rubbish - I have had her friends tell me that I make her work too hard etc, etc, to the point that I have banned the old girl from cooking or having anything to do with the children. As my parents have gotten older its become tougher as they have both become hard of hearing and incredibly demanding of me - I can be talking to someone or on the phone and they will butt in - my kids have grown up but my folks are taking over in that department. In fact now that my kids are older thay have hardly anything to do with their grandparents. We have sort of found a way of coping fortunately we live in a fairly large house so the kids stick to their side of the house my parents totally monopolize the lounge so as a result my husband and I and all three dogs go to our bedroom and watch tv there! When the odd occasion does arise that the old folks go and stay with one of my siblings for a week or hopefully sometimes a couple of weeks we all crack open a bottle of champagne and take over the lounge - what fun !! It't tough, sometimes I want to scream or run away and hide but my best coping tool is trying to against all odds - maintain my sense of humour - it's either that or go completely mad myself !
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Please, please, please take the time you NEED to take care of yourself! I would start by scheduling a therapy session with a counselor. It's okay to pay to someone to be your advocate and help you draw the boundaries needed to get through this. I hope your DH supports you in this. I doubt very seriously that your mother is going to change her ways at all, so you need to be proactive at setting the rules of YOUR house, since she can't/won't live by herself. Remember that a good Caregiver is like a pitcher of lemonade (or margarita's lol)... you have to remember to refill the pitcher (self-care) or you will run yourself dry and not be any good to anyone. Take care and God bless.
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I too, find gardening a wonderful outlet - I listen to an audiobook while I work and Mom sits on the porch and reads. As for sympathy from friends and relatives,you're correct in that they don't "get it". I understand that they aren't going to be there for sympathy or support ,but I don't have patience for people second guessing or having the audacity to advise me on things they do not understand.
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I totally understand what you are going through. My dad took care of my mother until he died and then there was only one person left to care for my 91 year old mother, me. We left our house and moved in with her. My mother sounds a lot like your mother. My mother wants to be right there doing whatever is being done too. I found gardening was the best outlet for me. My mother would sit in the swing while I worked outdoors. My husband bought dvds for our movie night and we like to read to each other for couple time. We have to take turns very early in the morning to walk or bike for exercise. The men's group at our church is my husband's outside interest. I tried to get my mother to go to the senior center but she wasn't interested. Now she sleeps all the time and has to be awakened to eat. We have learned how to work around having a senior in the family just as we worked around having a toddler long ago. We are in our 70s and wish we had a little more time to travel before we, too, need caring for.
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I have found that it is fruitless to expect to gain sympathy some friends and relatives. Oftentimes relatives will only see the situation through the elder's eyes, and will not understand the pressures and strain on the caregiver(s). That's why it's good to come here and talk. People here do understand, "get it", and sympathize.
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Ronica,
We realize that Mom is not happy unless she has the attention of one of her kids or grandkids.So we're learning to get immune to the sighs, droopy voice, subtle guilt trips.Just recently,she's begun declining social invites that do include her,such as a SuperBowl party.It's still a guilt trip because her attitude isn't an upbeat "you guys go and have fun- I'll be fine" but a resigned "I'll just stay home".Interestingly as none of my friends have cared for aging parents,I'm getting static from people about her absence at gatherings.When my BIL was moved to hospice,I flew out alone to help my sister and her kids.I didn't take Mom with me as she is not good in a crisis and I needed to be caring for Sis and her children.Had Mom been at hospice with us, every relative and friend would've heard about every moment,every interaction during this private,sacred time.So we would've all been hiding emotions,self-editing ourselves.I was surprised when a longtime friend took me to task for not taking Mom, as "she needs to be there,to be a part of things.It'll be hard for her to be here when she wants to be there for your sister.I don't mean to tell you what to do,but you need to take her with you."She then proceeded to tell me how I needed to think about how hard it is for Mom not to have control over her life,to have to live with her kids.Tried 4 times to explain that Mom had exercised absolute control over her life by gradually moving in with us, that she CHOSE to live with her kids when she was perfectly able to live alone.Needless to say,I'm limiting contact this person,as I don't need her negativity.On the plus side,I'm going to try a weekly knitting group as an outlet for me.I've been getting massages to de-kink the muscles and de-stress.I set up a still life in the dining room so I can draw in the small bits of free time. Still trying to find a doctor for her-so many docs aren't taking new patients,esp Medicare.The "elephant in the room"(you know, something ever present but not discussed)is that it appears time is here for a transition and there's no nice or easy way to say "Mom,this isn't working and you need to live on your own." Talk about major guilt ......
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This is exactly what I don't want to happen to me. I have contemplated the arrangement, and I have decided it's not for me. My situation is similar, after my dad died last year, the hysterics ensued - at this point I don't even feel that I've grieved properly for my father, I've just been trying to keep mom on some kind of even keel, I'm not succeeding but I'm coming to the realization that it is just not possible. Mom thinks that if she lives me all will be well. Stay strong.
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yep, been there done that. Worse thing my family ever did. We never knew what hit us until it was gone........tg.
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