My husband doesn’t care...

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I’m taking care of his grandparents. My mother in law only looks at me now like I’m the person caring for her parents. My brothers in law and their wife and fiancée don’t offer to help. I feel like I’m not even a part of the family anymore. My husband doesn’t even seem to care. Everytime I bring up going back to work he says “ you gotta do it for mom” what?! Why doesn’t my happiness matter? Why is it solely on me? I don’t know what to do. I’m only 30 and also taking care of my 4 year old as well.

14 Comments

"You got to do it for mom"??

Is mom working and the only one who is able to support the whole family?

How are grandma's resources being spent? On her care? Are you getting a salary? Respite?

I'd make it clear that I'm no one's doormat.
Take your 4 y.o. on an extended vacay to your own parent's home (or any aunts, cousins?) and stay there awhile. Not much needs to be said. Not at all. Let all those other people work it out amongst themselves.
Think about getting that job you want if you come back.
Yes, his mom is working. Her brother won’t come around. They pay me but not enough to deal with that. Every time I’ve tried talking with any of his family they say “ you need to do it for her bc she deals with it enough and is so stressed she could go down”. They refuse to go in a nursing home and they both need it
We normally do a Sunday lunch every Sunday but I’m going to my own parents house. They don’t expect anything from me and actually care about my feelings.
Latkins0319 - you are being a slave. Give your family notice that in two weeks you will no longer be the caregiver. Find your job and take care of your 4yo. The family is really horrible to do this to you. Stick to your guns "I'm sure you'll work something out" when they try to argue you around - as they will. Only you can change this situation. DO IT for your sake, sanity, and your 4yo.
You are only 30!!! Were you planning to be a unpaid nurse (caregiver)? What is your "real" profession? Do you have a job? If so, maybe set a date that you will be returning to work (Will your 4 year old be going to daycare while you work?) and inform your husband that as of that date HE will have to take care of HIS grandparents. Do you have any family of your own (your Mom and Dad or siblings) who can back you up or be your support team?

Where do your husband's grandparents live--in their own home, in your home? Contact your local Agency for Aging or Senior Center and ask for assistance in getting home care setup for them. Are his grandparents competent enough to make decision about their care or is someone else POA and "calling the shots"? You need to have a Family Care Plan Meeting with ALL of your husband's family and explain that you can no longer care for THEIR grandparents and that they need to find someone to care for them. It won't be easy because you have allowed them to push you around and it is hard to stand up to a group of people, especially when you are married to one of them. Good Luck!
It doesn’t matter your age or the patients age it is very difficult to be a caretaker. To be a professional caretaker I think you have to detach emotionally in order to continue. To be treated with such disrespect by the family is soul crushing.
I think it’s a great idea to be gone on Sundays. Maybe even for the entire weekend.
Your situation is out of balance and not good for you or your child. You don’t have to get mad at anyone. But you do have to take care of yourself. Let that be your focus.
If the breaks don’t help tell your MIL you are going to have to look for a job of your own. She should understand how you feel since she feels the same way. You can have empathy and help out on occasion but if the grands are competent they get to decide where and how they live. If they aren’t then your MIL has to take action. As a granddaughter in law you are helpless to do anything but walk.
Latkins; what kind of work did you do before you were married and had a child?

Early in my marriage, my (now ex) husband had a business and he employed me as his bookkeeper. Not something I enjoyed, wanted to do or was good at.

It didn't matter that I was being paid. I hated the work, and I hated my boss (my husband--he was overbearing and rude!!).

This is NOT a good situation for you if you are not a person who enjoys taking care of elderly folks. (Some folks do! No me; not you, I'll wager).

How did this situation come to be? Were you given a choice? Did you have a say in the matter?

Well, you have a say now!

Say, "I don't want to do this anymore; I don't like this line of work. I'm going to find another job; please find someone else to do this work by (fill in the date) because I will be doing (childcare/bookkeeping/laundry/mental health counseling/teaching/genetics ) on that date"

Get another job if you hate this one. Move on.

I think there are some men who marry who they think will make a good slave. For all I know the entire family is in on it and someone good, kind, understanding and dutiful gets picked. The man marries her to prevent her from getting away.

It’s time you got away. Let them deal with their own old people.
Latkins0319, your Mom-in-law is enabling her parents to remain in their own home when they actually need to be in a retirement community, if they can budget the cost. But Mom-in-law is using you to help her be an enabler. I see from your profile that one of the grandparents has Alzheimer's/Dementia.

I was also an enabler, so of course my very elderly parents wouldn't move to a retirement village, why should they, as they had me to fill in the blanks when they couldn't do something.

Try to cut back on things you do, and call up Mom-in-law and just say you didn't have time to do such and such, what would she suggest. By the way who goes over to the Grandparents when you can't? Or have you always gone there? Was Mom-in-law the caregiver prior to you taking over? If yes, chances are her physical and emotional well being are still exhausted.

Your son would make an excellent excuse for not going over. Kids get sick all the time and pass it on with lightening speed. Don't go over to the Grandparents when your son is under the weather. You don't want to pass on whatever your son has.

I realize you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I just don't want this to develop into a situation where your hubby starts saying that you aren't giving him enough attention. If he does, just fire back that you will once you clone yourself, but in the mean time this is how it is.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

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