My elderly mother's bad behavior is ruining my marriage

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I've been the primary caregiver for my mother since she fell ill in 2000 and couldn't work anymore doing her in-come day care service. However, now several years later, I'm newly married and my husband has been wonderful regarding our having to care for my Mom. But, she has become more and more spiteful, vindictive, mean-spirited and I just can't care for my Mother anymore. My husband can't stand to be in the house with her. And, I feel like I don't know her anymore. Although my Mother and I have never had a wonderful, close loving relationship I have always respected her and tried to treat her with as much kindness as possible. Now, I am at my breaking point and I really need to place her somewhere so that my husband and I can have our life together. PLEASE HELP!! She is driving us insane and we are at each other's throats all the time. She wasn't prepared for this point in life and has no money, a very little life insurance policy that will only bury her and nothing else. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let her life end with me hating her. I want to be the best daughter I can by making sure she is cared for and I can have my own life now. I know that it sounds very selfish, but I'm learning so much as I go through this process of how NOT to age: save money, get adequate life insurance, stay busy, keep friends and learn to love life and be content no matter what age. I wish that my mother had learned these lessons before she got to this age. Now, it is burdensome being around here and having to care for her. My heart is heavy and I just want peace in my family and in my house. But, I know honestly that peace will only come when my mother is out of the house. Ugggghhhh!!!

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Omg I just moved my mother from Chicago to Orlando and had no idea how bad it was going to affect my marriage. My husband goes back and forth trying to make me and my mother happy. I don't know what he wants. We are battlng constantly and I wish she never would have moved here. Would love some counseling help.
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Kris it's great to hear a fellow caregiver finally putting herself first! Good for you!
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Kris, rant away, we all do. And good wishes on your new relationship,!
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Thanks to everyone for sharing on this topic. At 61, I am in a new relationship which I is progressing toward marriage. It is the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life and I am so grateful that this man was put into my life at this time. I live next door to my parents, in a house which they refer to as mine, but which is not in my name and which has a million strings attached to it; they also ignore the fact that upon their passing, half belongs to my only sister. They are in a rage! They were in a rage before I met my boyfriend, but now that he's staying with me it's turned the heat up about 1,000 degrees. Their own relationship is so bitter and hateful – they are so self-centered, I think it never occurred to them that at this age I would find a nice man, be happy and have my own life. They thought I’d always be there to take their guff, be of service to them and grovel with gratitude. Well, they can guess again! I love them AND they are not going to destroy my remaining years. If I have to move out to hold onto my love and my sanity, then so be it. My sister and her husband used to live in the same house; they moved away 12 years ago, to another state. Now I know it was because they could see the writing on the wall. I have willingly, lovingly and happily been of service to mom and dad for many years. But I am not willing to take endless abuse and lay myself down in front of their steamroller, listen to them refer to my boyfriend as "You Know Who," carry THEIR shame and guilt, etc. We are told it's a horrible thing to even think, but I look at how mean and ornery they are at 90 and think "we could be at this another 10+ years." I'm SO sorry, I'm just not going to be their sacrificial lamb. This is all so upsetting, but they have manipulated me their entire lives. I've been the good daughter, obeyed the honor thy father and thy mother law, etc. And now, if God is willing, I will also honor a centuries old tradition and leave my parents’ home to go and be with my husband. If they have to sell the house to pay for what is left of their lives, that's fine with me. I choose happiness over the fair market value of that house – any day of the week and twice on Sunday. They are poisonous, nasty people! And you guys - thanks for listening to me rant, as always - WOW, this is difficult.
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The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.

This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.

It is NOT the same thing.
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My mother is 94, suffering from dementia and every other.Mother is not easy to get on with.She sometimes seems to wake up hating my husband for no reason at all so I have limited their interaction throughout the day unless she is a really good mood (seldom). I serve her meals,pop into her room for chat from 8AM to 6 PM ( in between chores), attend to her needs etc.Hubby simply stays away from her.He gives her the occasional smile as she passes,responds only to conversation directed at him if she talks him but he keeps it brief.
After supper I settle her in with a movie and close the door to "our part of the house so my husband and I can have quiet time together.Obviously it's not as easy as it sounds.There are interruptions but on the whole it works.Treat it as a job, your job, not his.If you need to talk over the complaints of your day with it in the mirror or with a friend, never voice your mommy prob's with him.
As we retired We can also steal the occasional 30-45 minutes for a ride or lunch nearby.It helps diffuse any anger or resentment that building.
I take this time to lighten his mood (hubby).
Fortunately Mom loves one my dogs and prefers his company to ours.
This often the case when there is a well behaved animal in the house.It gives mom ( and other elders) something else to focus on.The pet becomes a companion and confidant,a best friend when we fail (which is often according to her). Does she like animals? or birds? Something small,elderly and loveable?
Having a pet might just be what you need to keep her company.
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I know it may sound crazy but I feel so much better since I found these forums, it is incredible how our stories match one another. I have had practically no life since I brought my 86 yr old mom to live with us. The guilt, the burden, the sadness of just seeing my life disappear in front of my eyes and hers too. You are very blessed that your mother will probably qualify for many benefits, whether you keep her at home or place her in a good home or assisted living facility. I my state the ALF's will usually take your mother's check and once she is approved they receive more financial aid on your mother's behalf so they can provide housing, meals and everything she may need. At home she can also qualify for many things, including placing her in a day care or activity center. She will have her meals there and they also provide transportation. Who knows she may even make new friends. Our elders are sick but they can still connect to the surroundings one way or another. I too want to have a life and a peaceful home to come home after work and I'm not even newly married but still need those things I used to enjoy. You are a good daughter and person, these decisions are hard, I know, I'm placing my mother somewhere every morning and then changing my guilty mind every night. Good luck and God bless you mom and new family!
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Hello my name is sandy and i have been taking care of my Mom which was not planned either I listened to the Drs which tey all turned out to be wrong told me three yrs ago take her home and get her ready to pass away and here and here I am four yrs later and she is still living not that I want her to pass but woukd be better for her because my mom is end stage pd also pd dementia and 100 percent bedridden and only basically me and little help taking care of her I use to have caregivers but cannot afford them anymore and where I live dept of aging told me to do a reverse mortage on house and they cld only give me 400 dollars a year sorry if seems Im u ngrateful but didnt agree to do either and state waiver she has been on for three yrs now and they tell me she is nunber four thousand well I guess I will just invite them to moms funeral one day otherwards no help and my marriage has gone and going downhill its horrible to be pulled in so many directions and be getting no where except more frustrated if I was you and I hope you listen to my advice to you I would take these opinions from the people on here to your heart because they are right what they are saying back long time ago I did not no to find this website or had anyone to really talk to but the advice I did receive from ppl you just dont no HOW I WISH I WOULD OF LISTENED TO THEM EVEN THOUGH YOUR HEART MIGHT BE TORE UP DONT GIVE UP WHAT YOUR LIFE IS TO DO THIS AND DINT FEEL GUILTY FOR IT BECAUSE YOU DO NOT NO WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS AND IF I WOULD OF LISTENED MAYBE I WOULD OF BEEN BETTER OF I ALSO FEEL LIKE I RUINED MY HUSBANDS LIFE TO WE DO NOT HAVE A LIFE TINY TINY BIT WE BOTH ARE DISGUSTED AND IM WORE OUT BUT HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES PUTTING HER IN HOME IF YOU ARE STRONG NOW AND FEEL YOU CAN DO IT THEN I WOULD CUZ LATER I FEEL WILL BE HARDER TO DO i sure hope you understand and not being mean im just telling you thr truth according to my experience cld you let me know if you understand what im saying tyhank you take care love sandy 22
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I feel you pain, I am in a similar situation. My mom move in with me a couple of months ago, she complain that she cant leave alone and was always trying to make me feel guilty, specially since I'm her only daughter. But the biggest problem is that she never got along with my husband of 25 years, in the past she was always making things up to create problems between my husband and I, i thought she has changed with the years but she's creating problems again and I don't know what to do, she has no one else and she's terrified of living alone, plus she was recently diagnose with beginning of dementia. I talked to het again and ask her to cooperate, not to make things difficult at home and she promise things will change, and it does for a while but them she goes back to create trouble, I have 2 girls and they are starting to resent her grandmother. The relationship between my husband and I is great and I don't want that to change. What can I do?
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Dear all. You're not in this alone. As a country, as a society, we are moving to a model in which a single family's bad luck does not equal the end of your mental health and financial autonomy. Get advice from your county social service agency. II've heard from friends and colleagues that they've been made to feel guilty that they are not "taking care of all of this" on their own. This does not have to be your burden all on your own. Tell them that you can't do this alone anymore and let us know how it goes!
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