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As,you may know, my step daughter and her husband moved in with us last weekend. She has hardly said a word to us and keeps to herself when I got home last night the kitchen was dirty so I cleaned it and made a cake. She and hubby were in their room and came out to get things out of their car and she never said a word. He,spoke to me but never came back out to eat dinner with us. Hubby and I went on a walk and my daughter said they came and got what was left from what she cooked but didn't eat in the kitchen. I am sure there are dirty dishes in their room.

She is a very bitter 19 year old and I don't know what to do, but she is NOT going to make my life miserable.

Just had to vent.

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Okay, she's 19 snd she has a husband. That alone spells dysfunction where i come from. What was the conversstion between your husband and her before this arrangement was finalized? What was the conversation between your husband and you before you married about family members mobing in? Those of us who are fortunate enough to have decond chances at romance also have a great responsibility to ensure that whatever mess happened in the girst marriage doesn't poison the second.
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savinggranny, I imagine that many of us here are stepparents with a number of years of trial and error. My take from the beginning was that if I'm expected to be involved with this child, I'm also going to have the tools to do it properly. If the child leaves laundry wet in the washer and leaves the house, it impacts my ability to take care of my family. Therefore, it was my place to set down laundry rules and if they still aren't followed, the wet clothes go into a Hefty bag and I do the wash. Same with clothes in the dryer. Do that a couple times and they get the idea. Point is that as a stepparent with them living with you, one does have a parental role and asking for common consideration is indeed one's place. Good luck - stepparenting is often a high wire act without the net.
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savinggranny, your house, your rules.
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I am not asking for sympathy. She is not my daughter, she is my step-daughter so, I feel, like it isn't my place to make her "behave"....it is her father's. I have tried to talk to her in the past on what she wants to do and help her get there, but she won't listen to me, or anyone else for that matter.
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Honestly, what did you expect from a daughter who doesn't work and doesn't go to school, and whose mother by her own admission is an enabler? A mother who cleans up the kitchen after someone else has left it dirty and didn't take the responsibility for her own actions?

What does she have to be proud of? What has she accomplished?

You don't know what to do? Teach her how to become responsible and self sufficient, to develop pride in herself and her work after she gets a job.

What she needs is motivation to become her own person - to get a job and develop some self esteem. As a mother, that's what you should be helping her with, not sponging off her parents who are caring for an elderly parent.
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Well, mean it! This is hubby's daughter, yes? He is the one that needs to step up. The sooner he establishes ground rules (and starts collecting rent, by the way), the easier it's going to be.

Your job is to communicate and negotiate bottom line must-happen-or-else criteria with hubby. His job is to make it happen.
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