Moving Mom to assisted living against her will.

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Mom was been diagnosed with dementia and has been living with companion care for about 5 years. On the weekend she has a different caregiver from the weekdays, and she has been making each weekend caregiver we hire quit or has thrown them out. I cant find anyone to care for her on the weekends anymore, and I can't stay with her each weekend because I have active kids to raise. Although we have tried to keep her in her home, I feel that it is time to move her to an assisted living home and her weekday caregiver agrees. The problem is that I know I will not receive her agreement to move. Short of lying to her and just taking here there, I don't know how I will be able to get her to the Assisted Living home. I do have financial and medical power of attorney. If I don't tell her, it will be unfair and she will hate me for the rest of her life. If I do tell her, she will refuse to get in the car to go, and it will be this big, ugly fight and she will hate me forever. How can I accomplish this difficult task?


How old is your mother, how severe is her dementia, does she have any physical issues and can she manage on her own over the weekend?
Mom is 92 years old and her dementia is moderate to severe. She is paranoid and combative. She walks with a walker and is a fall risk. She has recently had a gas fireplace and stove that stopped working and she made several attempts to "light them" with the point of leaving the gas stove on with gas escaping while she looked for her matches. My older daughter was there with her and she would not listen to me or my daughter when we advised her about the dangerous nature of what she was doing. She cannot manage her medications and is at risk for either under dosing or over dosing herself if left to take meds on her own.
It's really unsafe for her to be alone. That's clear. I think I would do whatever I had to do to get her somewhere safe. I've read here about various ways to do that. It helps if the doctor is on board and is recommending it. Can you get her to a doctor who will back you up?

When my cousin could no longer live alone, I took her to the doctor who did mini evaluation in the office. I took a list of all my concerns and what she could not do. I also listed her recent balance issues, falls, fractures, disorientation, memory issues, etc. The doctor said she had to go to Assisted Living. It wasn't even close. She resisted, but I eventually got her to agree over the next couple of days, saying it was for rehab. Just to get her balance back, her legs stronger, her nutrition back, her medication adjusted, etc. She finally agreed on the condition she would go there to get better. The facility cooperated with this. Of course, she soon forgot she had a house. The dementia progressed quickly.

I wouldn't worry about her blaming you, because often they will forget about things. If nothing is done, I suspect that she will have a real crisis and that's not good.

I haven't faced this yet but it will be soon with my parents and I'm dreading it. There has been tons of info and experience shared on this site covering many different situations.

I think this is about the toughest transition for elders and caregivers. Lots of folks have pulled a little trickery to get mom or dad into care. They yell and raise hell but by most accounts settle in after awhile. It depends on the level of dementia as to what you can get away with.

My mom is able to look after my dad, barely, but if she goes down he can't be by himself Due to his dementia and he will never agree to in home care or moving to a facility. It's gonna be one hell of a time when we get there............
A fall risk? might overdose on meds? gas pouring into the house while she looks for matches? OMG, you're lucky she hasn't blown the place up already and her along with it. She obviously cannot be left alone at all. If you're really lucky she will have a major fall, be taken to the ER and you refuse to take her back home as she is a risk, not only to herself but to neighbours if she blows the house up.. At that point she will be sent to AL or long term care. You'll have to fight tooth and nail with social workers and government agencies - in my experience they just want to fix em up and ship em out. Frankly, the leaving the gas on while she looked for matches should have made you take immediate action for her sake, not "Oh dear, she'll hate me (poor little me)". So what? She'll be alive, clean, safe and well fed instead of being in tiny pieces all over the neighbourhood after an explosion or burning to death in the middle of it..
Thanks for your feedback. Just to be clear, she has live-in companions, but she uses the fact that it is "her house" "her rules" to be nasty and drive the weekend companions out. I have located an AL for her to go but now it is the hard part...getting her there. The gas incident last week was the last straw, along with her kicking out the new weekend companion. I am in no way seeking sympathy or saying "poor little me" but I am hoping for some actionable suggestions that will not involve police and high level drama as I am imagining! The best scenario probably would be if she had to go to hospital overnight for anything so I could make the transition from the hospital!
I had the same concerns with my cousin, initially. I couldn't envision her going willingly. I even talked to a social worker at Adult Protective Services who didn't offer much help. My cousin had not tried to light a fire, but, she did other types of things and could not even get a plate out of the fridge to eat by herself, because she couldn't remember it was in there.

I was so glad that her doctor told her that she really needed Assisted Living and that she would not let the matter go. I knew what that meant, so I was so relieved, when she did agree to go to Assisted Living for rehabilitation and to help with her memory. At that time she knew something was not right with her memory, though she did not recognize how poor it really was.

You can also see an Elder Law attorney and get advice on how much evidence you need in your jurisdiction to file for guardianship. If you get that, you make the decisions regarding where she lives or you ask the court to appoint someone else to do it, such as the County.

I hope things work out for you all.
Queenjoy, I know what you mean, I had that issues with my parents [also in their 90's].

Some times we need to make the house not livable to get our parents out. If your Mom doesn't fuss with the thermostat then lower it to a point where Mom will complain it is too cold in the house and she has to really bundle up.... "sorry, Mom, must be something wrong with the furnace".... keep disabling something little by little.... "sorry, Mom, the refrigerator isn't working right, items aren't being kept cold".... eventually, and hopefully, Mom will figure out the house is too much for her to deal with. Or not.

I couldn't do any of the above as my parents both lived in their house and Dad would know how to fix things. So what I had to do was stop enabling them, thus no mulch this past spring because I couldn't lift the bags any more.... no more snow shoveling as I could barely do my own driveway.... stopped all the unnecessary shopping trips just because they wanted to get out of the house. Did all that work? Nope, a team of horses couldn't pull them out.

Eventually it took a crises, Mom fell and went into Hospice for 3 months and she passed. Dad decided it was time for him to go into Independent/Assisted Living, yesterday he moved in and is happy as a clam having his own apartment, and feeling so much safer now :)

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