I moved in with my mother about 3 years ago when divorcing after a 34 year marriage.

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I moved in with my mother about 3 years ago when divorcing after a 34 year marriage. She has some dimentia and very poor hearing. She has always been a difficult mom as she is nagative. Never one to hand out compliments for anything. She still handles her banking , but very badly. She's forgotten how to cook at times. The problem is that she won't listen to me even when I'm very calm with her. She always disagrees and does as she wants. That happened today and I just exploded with anger. I think I should do more but she won't let me. Or when I do something really well it's never enough. I thought today after exploding that I might have a nervous breakdown. I don't have help. I have one sibling who doesn't live here. I cried and slept the rest of the day. The incident happened first thing in the morning. I was screaming and couldn't stop. I need help and advice. I yelled that I was going to a lawyer to have her declared incompetent. I don't want to do that, but she will not let me handle much. Not until she has made such a mess she must ask for help. I feel worthless because I don't spend enough time with her. I set up my own space in the basement; I'm starting to cry as I write this. It seems like people think I have it made because I no longer work outside my home. I always worked but don't feel like I can leave her for extended amounts of time. She once slapped me in the face when I was sick with the flu. I told her to get out of my room because she was blaming me for being sick. I feel at the end of my rope. I wish one of us would die.

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Mccownlee, I came to live with my parents after my husband and I went our separate ways. It seemed to make sense at the time. Both parents had dementia. My father died five years ago, so that left just my mother and me. She can be very difficult. She was so combative for the first few years that I learned not to even try to talk with her. I just did what had to be done. She also does what is known as scapegoating. This term comes from Old Testament times when the sins of the people were loaded onto a hapless goat, who was then sent into the wilderness. When a parent is unable to accept that something is wrong with them or their circumstances, they look around for a scapegoat to put the blame on. The caregiving child becomes the perfect goat, so gets blamed for anything that happens. If your mother is blaming you for something past or present, just think about that old scapegoat. Maybe you won't be so upset by it if you know what she is doing.

There is nothing wrong with keeping some space between your mother and you. I'm sorry you're in the basement. Wasn't there some space upstairs? Basements are so dark and depressing. But at least it gives you some space of your own. If your mother has earlier stages of dementia, it should be fine to leave her alone for a while and get out of the house. You'll probably feel better if you do some things like go to some classes or dances. It will give you a chance to be around people, too. People are the best way I know to pull ourselves out of depression.

You don't owe your mother your sanity, so give yourself time away from her. I wish you were able to talk her into going into assisted living. I don't know what your financial situation is, though, so don't know if that is possible. We're here to talk, so vent away. Many of us know what you're going through.
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Mccownlee. Get some Cymbalta. If she won't take it, then you should. One of you has to be able to be calm and beat the depression. Personally I think depression is contagious and if you spend enough time with an angry old parent, you get depressed yourself. Protect yourself. Slip the Ativan into her coffee, she will never taste it.
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It sounds like your mother's dementia is making her unusually difficult to provide care for her. That is quite common, though, I know it's quite frustrating and challenging. Sadly, even if your mom was a difficult and negative person before she got dementia, she's likely to be more that way now. And there's really not much you can do about that. Getting upset or feeling like it's your fault, won't help. Your mom would have these issues, no matter if you lived there or not.

It sounds like that due to your history together, being her caretaker may not be feasible. Some people are simply not suited for it and there is no shame in that. I'd explore other options for her care. If you need more time to make those arrangements, in the meantime, I'd do lots of reading about dementia and how is effects people. We have to get in the mindset of not letting our buttons get pushed and not taking what they do and say personally. Of course, violence is never okay, but that kind of thing with dementia patients is not uncommon. That's another reason I would suggest getting her other care. She may need to see a doctor and get diagnosed. Medication sometimes helps with agitation and mental distress.

After she gets help, you can return to work. I hope things work out for you both.
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Just visiting you again today.
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I to am a angry daughter, my situation is very much like yours. I work full time and feel like I am worn out, I have no life of my own and feel very distraught. My mother also handles her on banking and very poorly . She doesn't see how hard this is on me and tries to brush it off or says really ugly things to me. She has a heart condtion that is not going to get better only worse and she won't accept that, she keeps says shes going to get better.. No she 's not she can barely get around ,has trouble breathing weak and up all hours off the night because she sleeps all day. Would argue with me about the color of the sky or if its raining. I am going to see my doctor which is hers too. She just blowed smoke up her a** the other day. So tired and want to move out but can't afford to.
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Mc
I can attest to how trying it can be to be the sole caregiver to an elderly mother - don't beat yourself up about screaming - my mom's dementia made it impossible for her to understand that I couldn't do everything

You need a respite
I'm not sure I know enough to make suggestions to you but the posters here are very knowledgeable

Let me ask you some questions
Do you have power of attorney for mom
Does mom have financial resources to hire help or pay for assisted living
Is there a senior center where she could spend some time during the day
Has mom been diagnosed and/or taking any meds

If everything is overwhelming- know that you are not alone - there are resources that can be tapped

Sorry to say but don't expect siblings to help - they just won't

Come back here often
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Mccownlee,
Your mother has bullied you, and slapped you.  That is not okay.
You can get help for that part too, no matter what your age.
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Mccownlee,
Yes, you are angry. It appears there is a chance you are suffering caregiver burnout, and that is normal for what you are going through. There is such a thing as justifiable anger. It is okay to be angry. Caregiver burnout can be cured, and greatly improved with a little help, and few changes for the better at home. There is hope for you, and no one has to die.

When the time comes that you may act on your anger, call the hotline. Yelling at your Mom, becoming enraged, making threats, crying in your basement room is not the end of the world, but a red flag that you need a little help. It is the best thing that you came here and opened up. There are those of us who have been where you are at emotionally, and coming here shows you don't want to continue the anger and being upset. Call the hotline, talk it out, tell them what you told us. Doubt very much that anyone will come and take you away. You are sad about it, but again, no one has to die.
1) Call the 24 hour hotline, you do not have to be suicidal.
2) See your doctor, get a small Rx to get you to be able to think through this.
3) Go outside when you first start to lose it...before you say something.
It's cold out there, right? That is good, you will recover more quickly and be able to come back in sooner (ten minutes)??

That's all for now...Sending you hugs, and get better wishes. Wait til you meet my friends on here!

P.S. What is it about basements? I wish for every caregiver to be able to get out of the basement! (If that is what they need).

Welcome here, there is hope, for both you and your Mom.
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What a very difficult time you are having. Going from the end of a marriage to living with an impossible-to-please mother would try anyone's patience.

Please take BarbBrooklyn's very good advice. And program a suicide prevention hotline number into your cell phone. Use it if you ever feel that distraught again.

The solution is not for you to die, or for your mother to die. It is for some other care arrangement to be made for your mother, and for you to find a better living arrangement for yourself.
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Call your local Area Agency on Aging today and ask them how to get a "needs assesment". Your mother needs a higher level of care than you can provide. She needs professional care.

Call your doctor today and tell the office it's an emergency. Get a complete checkup and discuss your depression, anxiety and suicical thoughts. Get a referral to see a psychiatrist for meds. Find a therapist to talk with as well.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Keep posting abd let us know how it's going!
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