Moved away from Dad - Having a bit of a hard time.

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Hi! I was blessed enough to find a job in the town my fiancé and his boys live. I have been here 4weeks. Dad is worried i'll never visit him (2hours away). I text him to just let him know i'm thinking of him. I am planning on going and spending sunday with him to catch up and do his bills. he is like he'll believe it when he see's it. i'm really enjoying being with my fiancé and boys. We are getting married in Sept. and putting the finishing touches on that. My dad called me drunk sat b/c he got the wedding invite. I know he wishes he could proudly Walk me down the aisle. Even though I told him I picked it so he can "roll" down next to me. In his mind its not good enough. he wanted to be walking by now. He's disappointed that i'm not going to have children of my own.
Im having a hard time in some ways. I used to go out once a week to help him, have dinner, ect. I'm enjoying not doing that but feel bad too. Just needed to talk it out here. Thanks!


Well, congratulations on your forthcoming marriage. You cannot control your father's behaviors, and since you are happy, in love, and want to stay that way, do not let him spoil it for you. Having said that, no one can make another person unhappy. You either choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. Which one will you choose? Your finance did not sign up for any of this drama, so ask him what he thinks about your father. Good luck!
Sorry, I did not mean to say "finance", but betrothed. I have to sign loan papers for a new home today, and have money on my mind!
Do not let your father emotionally manipulate you. You have a right to be happy. He should be proud to be able to escort you down the aisle even if it is by wheelchair. His inference about you not having children of your own is not his business. Your father is acting selfish and calling you drunk should send you a red flag about this type of behavior. You are willing to go out of your way to make it possible for him to attend and be part of your wedding. Don't allow him to ruin this special day for you because of his manipulative pity me selfish attitude!
I think she meant that he was drunk when he called. Self medicating, perhaps?
I am sure he is feeling abandoned even though you told him you would keep in contact. Maybe there is someone else than can stop in to see him and chat or maybe line someone up thru a home care place to stop in to see him. Remind him that you want him to be part of your wedding and that even though he is not walking now, doesn't change how you feel about him. All parents want their children to have children, but he will have to remember its "your choice". God bless you on your upcoming marriage/family and praying that your dad will enjoy that moment also with you.
Thanks everyone!! I moved 5 years ago to live in the same town as him. We've had a hard relationship over the years b/c of his control issues. I worked all day and went out all night for 3 years. I then started therapy b/c I was burnt and my dad couldn't afford to hire more help. I then went back to school at night to get some distance. Started therapy. I have been with my fiancé for 3 years now and thank God for him. He's helped balance me out. The last year I have been going out to dads once a week. Still doing his bills and grocery shopping with him. I've come up with meals on wheels and all sorts of ideas but somehow it always comes down to I do it better. I've really had to step back. I've told him what was coming I just don't think he thought i'd go through with it. I'm 35 years old never married. no children. I helped raise my youngest brother (11years difference) with my mom. Then moved to help my father. I understand its time for my life. I cry b/c I wish I could have helped him more. I come up with plans and ideas and my dad likes them but he is more interested in trying to buy a motor home and remodel it. its frustrating and breaks my heart I couldn't do more.
and when I say he couldn't afford to hire more help that isn't true - that is what he would say but he uses the money the state provides for other things.
Beth, you don't say your dad's age or what's wrong with him and put him in the wheelchair, although you do say he thought he would be walking "by now" so I inferred that he is continuing to improve and will be ambulatory one day again?

He is an independent living right now? Is there a possibility of moving him closer to where you will be living? If not right now, but when he recovers more. Maybe there's a place for him that is near your new location but not right around the corner, if you get my drift.

What is your dad's age? The time he called you when he was drunk, is it a common occurrence if he drinks much? Elders are subject to different forms of dementia for many reasons, but much drinking of alcohol can not only contribute to dementia but also to liver, pancreas and kidney problems. I hope drinking isn't a big part of his life.
He's 59 and has a spinal cord injury 13 years now. No he's not improving b/c he thinks my brother and I should be the ones who do his exercises. I did swimming with and physical therapy but after that and cooking and putting him to bed I couldn't do it all. I'd be happy if he'd move closer but the state he's in has better $ for disabilities.
He used to drink more. Not so much now. He wishes life would have been different. Nope but smoking is. Everyday in the house. You cant force someone to stop. He is in full mental control. He won't move to an asst home b/c they aren't nice and its in the city. He doesn't like city living. so he rents a farm house and has a morning aide. nobody at night. He won't recover he'll only get worse.
That's a tough place for you to be stuck in. As horrible as it sounds to say, when our seniors have some form of dementia, it's actually a little easier to get them help because those around them begin to recognize they can't make good decisions for themselves. But your dad seems to have his full faculties in terms of choosing his lifestyle.

If he were completely rational however, he would tell you, I'm happy doing what I'm doing, go on daughter and live your life. But he isn't, is he? Admitedly he is in a pitiable situation, but the truly pitiful thing is that he can't see the stress he puts on you by trying to manipulate your behavior through control and guilt.

No amount of either free or costly therapy is going to help YOU resolve HIS issues. You must choose the healthy path of going on with your life the way you want it to be, do for him what you feel you can handle comfortably, and what you can't, just ask your dad how he would like you to get him help for that. When you are experiencing a relationship, such as with your dad, where there's really no true negotiation allowing you to help him in a way you can handle, you must make a unilateral decision to only do those things that you can and either help him to find a way to get the other things done or step back and let him figured that out himself.

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