Mothers passing.

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Mother died 8-1-2012, I loved her but never felt the bond, I would say most women have with their mothers. She never taught me to cook, clean, make a household schedule but had time for others and work.
I have a lot of resentment and feel guilty now that she's gone, However she did apologize for not teaching me to cook, be a mother...a lot of things I've had to learn from Aunts and even my wonderful mother in law whom I dearly miss and loved
I'm in therapy due to this and sexual abuse from both parents, cousins, and uncles.
I've had so much anger and resentment in my life and all I wanted to do was grow old gracefully and die a peaceful death. I realize this is still possible and therapy is helping a lot.
What I came to grips with today was, looking back at "my mothers" young life, she didn't have anyone to help her. Her mother had to work because the "sob" (as my mother put it) ran off and left 5 kids and a wife with no husband. However my mother was raised in a convent, so she did have some structure in her life.
Such as it is today, thinking of her roaming the streets, a mother unable to care for her, it's come to light that now I understand why things turned out like they did.
God has a reason for everything in our lives. It's not on our time, but his. The most difficult time is waiting to understand and accept so the anger will (and has) left my body and soul.
Thank Everyone who has taken the timed to read this passage. Be still my heart.
Sincerely,
Maure

2 Comments

I never had 'that bond' with my mother, though there wasn't the kind of abuse your post suggests. I was a Daddy's girl. When I was a young girl, she had no coping skills and when she got angry, the dam burst and if there was a kid in front of her, we got the hard end of it. At 13, I became the second mom in the house, due to several conditions that put her into bed for extended periods. Then we moved to California and somehow she 'saw the light' and all kinds of things changed, but by then I was a late teen and couldn't WAIT to get out of the house. I was 20-something when I finally asked her if she would ever utter the words, "I love you." Her response was complete astonishment, ".. but I make a home for you.. that tells you I love you." Yeah .. and it's still nice to hear the words. My younger sister, on the other hand, worshiped the ground my mother walked on.

Fast forward 30 years, she has terminal cancer, goes home to die (by conscious choice), my Dad and I were her full-time at home caregivers, with the assistance of Hospice. My sister couldn't bear to see it, would come in sobbing over her bed, wondering how she would live without her mother .. and leave 10 minutes later.

After many years of therapy and much introspection, I know that we ALL did the best we could, with whatever tools we had at our disposal, at the time. It takes time to purge all that stuff, forgive all (including self) and move into that space of simple, pure love. To let go of the pain, the resentment, the anger, the fear.

Blessing on your path to that change.
Sexual sin hurts the soul of the abuser and victim.

After becoming a Christian, it was MUCH easier for me to forgive my abusers. I was forgiven and was able to forgive those who had hurt me so. It was NOT an overnight feeling but a conscious and deliberate choice that one day turned to love. Forgiving is not equated to trusting. But I've been able to forgive and make peace in the face of innocence stolen.

We love because He (God) first loved us.

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