Mother's Getting out of Rehab and Refusing Home Care.

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My mother is 86, has an artificial heart valve and on coumadin, and has metastatic colon cancer currently being treated with oral chemo. She fell a few weeks ago at home, and ended up in hospital and now in chemo. Is told she needs to go home with help, or to assisted living, and is refusing - says she wants to live her life and doesn't have the money (she would have to spend down what's left, but she could if she wants to). She thinks she is very sharp and shows good judgement but is very difficult and has does not show good judgment at all. I've told her I will not take her home to be without help - she says I am "controlling". She doesn't want to spend the money, and thinks she is going to drive (she's on Percocet for pain) and do whatever she wants. I'm out of things to say to her without total frustration. She is being released Tuesday and so far there's no plan, because she has refused home health care or assisted living. I'm out of ideas and very angry. No reasoning with her at all.


I should say SHE doesn't want to spend the money.
I would tell her she can not expect you to pick up the load-she has to do what is suggested or be on her own and stick with your decision and call social service and tell them what is going on-elders should not expect their children always to pick up the pieces-if she does not spend the momey now she will end up in anursing home and her money will be used for that quickly-and stick to your guns-many times the elders make it difficult for their children because they want to make all the decisions without reguard for others-her money should be used for her care period.
take a deeeep breath... now, its not that she doesnt want to spend the money, its that she doesnt want to spend the money on growing old stuff,shes fighting growing older, not so much order to get her to recieve any help, you gotta be real dont want her to feel like shes giving herself up to somebody, set it up to where she has somebody 'be there' a lot, observe to see how shes doing, your going to have to eventually ( have someone care for her) just make it sound like her idea,if that makes sense. if shes smart, you better get creative.
Tell her the doctor said so. If she wants proof, have the social worker at the hospital set up a care conference with her, her doctor, the social worker, nurse assigned to look over her case, and most especially, you and any other family members that may want to attend--so that she can hear that she can't live by herself without some help.

I know what a big chore this can be, but it can be done and you can do it. Good luck!
Try calling Crisis Intervention or the Agency for Aging. Both of these offices helped a lot to guide us to what we needed to do. My mother in law is 85 and was diagnosed with dimentia.
She was so stubborn, she refused to see a doctor at all in about 50 years. CI went to the house and transported her to the hospital to be checked.
Having power of attorney is a huge help and should be done ASAP if you haven't already. We have just recently made the decision to place her in 24 hour care. (another new road for us)
The past 2 years have been HECK ! . She refused to believe she cannot do some things and as a result has broken her nose, her wrist, her teeth, gone to the ER three times ,and now is having much difficulty using any of the daily living skills. We realize we can no longer care for her. Partly the stubborness and partly the horrible disease she has. Sad but necessary. It is a hard road and I wishg you the best. Hope I was of some help .
Don't be too hard on her. Remember her age. I had my husband in a home and they didn't keep an eye on him. He fell and broke his hip. When they got him to the hospital he was dehydrated and had lost more weight but they told us he put on four pounds. He couldn't ask for any thing to eat or drink. We were told he had Alzhemier's. Shouldn't they have given him liquids through the day? They said they gave treats but when I was there, they never gave him any. They don't have enough help to take care of people. One person to take care of 15-20 people. Not enough! The state needs to change the law on that. I have him home now and I will not put him in a home again. I wouldn't put a dog in there, let alone someone I love. In the hospital they said he has Parkinson's now. Wish they would make up their minds.
Just relaying my experience at let you know that stubborn parents can be eased into a different way of doing things. My parents refused help at home, too. I interviewed private caregivers and found someone who had certain things in common with my parents. For instance, their church is very important to them and the caregiver belongs to the same religion. The other thing is that I asked my parents to give it a "try" and some people can admit they need a little more help with dishes or whatever. Also, we started out very slowly with the caregiver coming in for a few hours one week and then increasing the time each week. It's a delicate balance, I think, between allowing Mom and Dad their own power but forging ahead in their best interest.

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