Happy Mother's Day.

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I have had a crazy week. the caregiver that was working 3 hours for 3 days a week has been on a leave of some sort. during this time her replacement has had a very tough time living up to the expectations that my Mom has in her head. She is very kind and caring and adores my Mom. She keeps her safe, gives med reminders and socializes,and gets her lunch. Well done..but wait, enter the care giver from leave. She is not back on the roster and takes it upon herself to come to our home while I am at work and prey on my Mom's emotions. She dials the agency on the phone and has my Mom beg and plead for them to give her my Mom back as her client. She left and called her again and had Mom write things down to say. Considering that my Mom is the client how much more unethical can you get. This girl then called a few more times to see if Mom had followed through with this. This is all being relayed to me while I am at work via text and phone calls from a sibling that did not seem to think there was alot wrong with this because "mom really likes her" Isn't that why we try to protect her from people like this? But yet at the end of the day I am the bad guy for following ethical codes and therapuetic boundaries that appeared to be more than blurred. This happenned at the beginning of the week and I continue to be reminded of how awful this is and why did i view this as wrong? My Mother was a special ed. teacher for at least 30 years.I work in the mental health field and obviously could not stand aside. I have explained from every angle trying to helpher understand. Iknow this is futile due to the dementia carousel. I even tried to use the viewpoint of the new caregiver and let her know how unfair this was to her coworkers as well as Mom and me. I have copied the note that was left for me, I have not recieved the other one back from my sister to copy. This whole chain of events was so completely ridiculous. At the end of the week on Mother's Day I still am being snubbed by her and it is hard to remain objective 24/7. That is, as always, only part of the story but I don't have time right now but would love some feedback. Thank's for listening maree26

3 Comments

Maree, your sister is giving you a hard time because you stepped in to stop a caregiver who is "on leave" from manipulating your mother? Is that about it? Or is it your mother who is still giving you a hard time? (I can't be sure who "she" is.) I can understand poor Mom, with dementia, not understanding why your actions were appropriate even though she likes the first caregiver. I don't know what your sister's excuse would be.

In any case, it is futile and frustrating to try to reason with someone who has dementia. Just assure Mom that you love her, that the new caregiver is professional and caring. And make sure the agency knows that you do not wish to deal with anyone who disregards professional standards. Not that it was their fault -- clearly the on-leave caregiver was acting on her own, without their knowledge, but I assume you have made your prosition clear.

Who has POA to make these kind of decisions for Mother?
I live with,and have made the decisions even when asking for input from others.My sister is the POA.She can be and is very helpful at times.This I did not see as one of those moments.My sister thought it would be better to spare my Mother's feelings. My mother is the one that still snubs me and treats tyhis as if I created the bad situation. I am the one that lives with her so Ido make some of the dicisions and ask for input and feedback from my sibling(s)
Well, for what it is worth, I think your decision was correct. (Based on what is presented here, of course.)

Do you know if CG1 was on leave for some disciplinary purpose? That would be kind of scary. But let's assume she took leave for a family emergency, is back, and is dismayed that her clients have been reassigned and she'll have to start over with new people. What is the professional way to handle this dismay? a) Make a case with her employer to fit her back into her old schedule with at least some of her clients as soon as that is practical or b) badger and manipulate an impaired client to intercede on her behalf with the employer. Somehow I doubt that Sister would really pick b. Having someone in the house who has already demonstrated that she is willing to manipulate her elderly client in order to get what she wants sounds flat out creepy.

Do I expect Mom to understand this? No. She knows what she likes and she liked that caregiver. Reassure Mom that you love her, you are sorry the first CG situation could not be worked out, the current CG is caring and profession, etc. Don't argue or reason or explain. Just sympathize and move forward.

Good luck!

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