Difficult mother with memory loss makes me mad and sad and full of stress.

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My mother asked to move in with my husband and I while she was living in Mass. on her own in a senior apt. complex. We thought it was a good idea since the only family around her were her adult grand kids who were married with kids and life's of there own. Her son (my brother) lives fairly close by but he hasn't wanted anything to do with us for many years. Me, being the only daughter took on the task. My husband and I cared for his father and my father prior to their passing and we always said we would care for our parents when the time arose. my husband or I are currently employed, as we Mom has been with us now for a little over a year now, and it hasn't been easy, to say the least. We knew it was going to be some adjustments for everyone concerned, and we got past all that and she is pretty much settled and feeling at home.
Since then we have come to realize that mom needs to be paying more rent. We have started to dip into our own retirement money to provide for her. She gets my dads retirement and s/s which adds up to more than 1100.00 a month and she has less than 500.00 in bills. When I told her we were going to raise her rent by 100.00 a month for a total of 600.00. she about chewed my head off and made some hurtful comments. That 600 gets her her own bedroom with a nice patio, all her food and all of her meals cooked for her, I do her laundry and put it it all away for her, I take her to her doctor appointments and take her out to play bingo a few times a month, I make sure she takes her meds and that she gets out for some fresh air and a walk around the block. And she's with family and not some strangers. Prior to all this, her oldest grand daughter of 38 years and married has called a few times asking her for money in large sums.She has probably given her close to 4000.00 in all and has never attempted to pay her back. I tried to explain to her that she is being taken advantage of but she yells at me and tells me it's none of my business. The next thing I know my mom is on the phone to her money hungry grand daughter telling her that we don't want her here anymore. UNBELIEVABLE. I asked her why she has a problem with paying 100.00 more when she just sent her grand daughter over a 1000.00 for god knows what, but she had no answer. Her only comment was " I never thought my daughter would treat this bad." I reminded her of how much it would be if she was living anywhere else, and that went in one ear and out the other. I feel my only recourse is to go ahead and find her someplace else to live and then she will wee just how good she had it living with my husband and I. She will hate me for it, but like she always says to me. "Deal with it."


Either see an elder care attorney and get a caregiver contract - which would include/break down shared expenses like rent - or yes, find a nice Assisted Living community for your mother.
How about "I never thought my own mother would treat me this bad, giving money to other family but not willing to pay her share of living here."

You mother is just plain wrong. Stick to your position. Point out that she doesn't have to stay with you, but if she does, she needs to pay a fair amount. You hope she will stay, but if she doesn't want to pay, you will help her find another place.
Thank You both for listening. It really helps to get another opinion.
I have another question for you two. Since mom has given so much money to her money hungry grand daughter, would that effect her if she applied for medicaid?
Would it be included in the 5 year look back period? IIf I'm going to move her out into an assisted living place she will be needing help from medicaid. Otherwise, I'm stuck with her here at my home.
Yes, money given as gifts to others will be included in the look-back period. Otherwise, everybody would give all their cash and assets to family/friends and look to the Medicaid program for all costs.
Money your mother gives away is counted in the look-back period.

Money your mother pays you for room and board is considered a legitimate expense. Even Medicaid does not expect elders to mooch off their kids if they have the means to support themselves. A regular, recurring amount from your mother is easily explained as rent, but the surest way to avoid hassles is to have a care aggreement and/or a room-and-board agreement drawn up.

At this point I think it would be a good idea to consult a lawyer who specializes in Elder Law. Your mom should get all her legal ducks in a row while she still is able, and the attorney can explain the facts of financial life to her. Maybe she will never need to apply for Medicaid, but if she lives long enough it becomes more and more likely.

She's probably not going to believe you. I hope a lawyer will convince her she'd better keep her money for her own needs, and one of those needs is paying her own way no matter where she lives.
I think I would move her to an assisted living center. The way she talks to you and disrespects you, warrants a move.
Sadly yes, if the amount of money your mother has given away is significant- it could impact a Medicaid approval. Get her to stop giving money away now and at least you can start the five year clock from here. Bummer!!! Also, check with your state Medicaid policies - some will not pay for Assisted Living, just nursing homes.
I have a slightly different view of this. Your mother has $1100 a month and has $500 in bills. If you take $600, it will pretty much leave her with no spending money. Does she have money in the bank that she could give herself some kind of allowance? I know I wouldn't want to be totally broke, so that I couldn't buy myself the things I wanted. If she has some money in the bank, I think that $600 is fine. If not, I would say to let her have the $100 for spending. Even Medicaid has an allowance.
She clears 1100.00 after her bills are paid.

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