Mother anti-HIPPA'd me.

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I asked her to sign the HIPPA form so her doctor could share the situation with me because I could not be at the appointment to review her cat scan. Not only did she not sign it, she signed one for my brother (who is an international airline pilot), and a form AGAINST my knowing her medical status!. I asked her why and she accused me of wanting to "put her away" in a nursing home. I cannot express to you the level of sadness I am feeling. I have never mentioned a nursing home to her. She has made a series of bad decisions in recent years, and fostered a stupid family feud. Yesterday she came over to my house in tears, and in her car asked me to come out to see her in the driveway. No doubt she is weak and didn't want to get out of the car. She wanted to know "what is wrong with you, why are you so unhappy?" Ugh! I am not unhappy accept for the dysfunction and drag my family is!!! How do I get this form overturned?


agc757, you probably can't get it overturned. Look at this as probably the beginning of much more to come. Why would she think you want to put her in a nursing home if she doesn't want to go?

My Mom left me off her POAs, checking accounts, keeps me in the dark about everything to do with her care. At first I was very, very angry and I let her know it. Told her how much it hurt me that she plays favorites with my brother. She did absolutely nothing. Just said, "that's they way it want it." My brother told me mom had told him I ask to borrow money from my parents, 25 years ago. It never happened. My husband and I do not need their money, never have.

But this was the beginning of her extreme paranoid behavior. It has not change in the last five years. I have however. I have stated to her what I can and can not do without the POAs and her permission. She seems to understand, so that is all I can do. All you can do is tell how important it is to have the HIPPA form and then let it go.

Is this all new behavior or has she always been difficult. My mother has always been difficult. So this is not new to me. Good luck, you will probably need it.
This is not new behavior. Mother has always favored brother and has blamed me for everything wrong. However it is getting much worse lately with the flaming. She does not need a nursing home but she needs to keep in contact with a responsible family member to keep tabs on her because she does not care for her own health. At 100 pounds overweight, classic health problems that go with it at age 72. If a problem is present that she doesn't like, then it does not exist. Also a series of bad financial decisions in recent years. My brother is not helping. And no, I do not need or want her money either.
agc757, do you know how much time, energy, and anxiety being responsible for someone else's health care can be? Especially someone with health problems? Going with her to appointments, reminding her about apointments, encouraging her to follow the doctor's recommendations, playing telephone tag with the clinic, keeping track of it all ... it can be a real time-consuming chore. Several of us do this for our mother. Lots of emails fly back and forth -- did you know they added a new appointment for mother next week? Who can take her? Who will call her the night before? I'll leave a big reminder on her fridge when I'm there tomorrow ... etc. etc. And then during the appointment making sure the doctor gets the straight scoop instead of what Ma wants to tell her. Since my husband has dementia, I do all this for him, too.

Why would anyone want to volunteer to take on such a time-consuming and often thankless task? Well, if we can rule masochism out, because you love her and want the best care for her. Certainly you have nothing to gain by playing this role.

But Mother can't see that? This is not dementia (according to your description) but an ongoing pattern of how she chooses to relate to you. You are always to blame, and brother is always the hero. I doubt very much that this is going to change.

In her mind she has a "responsible family member to keep tabs on her" -- your brother. So be it.

Don't bother about the form. (Doubt you could have it changed anyway.) Don't worry about her health issues. She isn't. Detach yourself from the whole mess. All those hours you'll not be dragging her to doctor visits and waiting for a call back from the doctor and trying to persuade her to follow medical advice? Use them for something more constructive, like catching up on your scrapbooking or reading murder mysteries or brisk walks in the park.

She doesn't care for her own health? She is an adult. That is her right. Sad, but not your responsibility, especially since she specfically excludes you from that.

Detach. I don't mean never speak to her again, or be mean to her, or refuse to have a light social conversation with her. Just relinquish any responsibility you thought you had for her. She is going to blame you whether you do something or don't do something. She is going to continue to sabotage her own health, whether you watch the painful process up close or from afar.

Let her make bad health and bad financial decisions. There isn't really much else you can do.

Get on with your life.
I love your comments here Jeanne, this could so very well apply to my mother as well. Thanks.
Agc... agree with JG, I understand your concerns, but I'll give you an example of backing away... my son was in a bad car accident, mulitple broken bones, not able to get around on his own... stubborn doesn't even describe his attitude, he had to have surgery Tues. on a broken arm that the hospital sent him home with... yeah, you read right... anyway, I as telling him that we were going to have a hard time getting him in his house as this was his right arm and the left leg is broken in so many places.... no, he could do it.... alrighty then... we get to his house, he can't even get out of the car on his own, much less in the house... so I go find some non English speaking neighbors to help....Son is 6 ft tall, 180 lbs... I just leaned against the car and watched this fiasco.....these two 5 ft , 110 lbs guys trying to get him in the house....I know the guys thought I was a heartless mom because I was laughing so hard.... but what else was I supposed to do???? Made lemonaid out of lemons is what I did.... my mom use to say, "hard heads make for soft asses" uh huh, so let them pay consequences for thier choices.... it's that simple..... not easy, but simple... prayers and hugs for you to get over the hurt feelings and anger, and just learn to let go and let things happen as they will....
Ladee said it all and very well consider yourself lucky let your dear brother deal and before long he will beg you toget involved again but by then you will have a life of your own-sorry but your name are on her papers-I am been fired from being her daughter too bad.
agc, unfortunately you ARE the one going to end up caring for her (sorry) cause your brother is a pilot who's absent probably much of the time. And your mother who says she doesn't need you or whatever, is making choices that will put her in a wheelchair or bed bound someday, which then it WILL fall on you. I say take advantage of the freedom now that you have, and do your own thing. If you're married, get you and your hubby on the same page as to what to do about it WHEN, not IF it happens. Your brother is the one that 'walks on water' but you're going to end up being the one that helps her to the toilet. Mark my words. Sorry in advance.
acg, I think Nancy is correct about what you can expect from your brother. But it won't necessarily fall to you to "walk her to the toilet." You may choose do to that, of course. Or your brother can arrange for in-home care or placement. It is really not decreed that a daughter MUST do the hands-on day-to-day care of a parent. Your mother gets to make her choices now, but you, too, can make choices, now and in the future.

I see too many people on this forum sadly bogged down in the "I have no options" syndrome. Nonsense. There are options. And ending up with the day-to-day caregiving is only one of them.
She has made her decision about you not being included in any health concers not not even able to know her curant health statis so the brother will have to be available if not is person then provide for care for her he knows what is going on and since he is doing nothing to change it when it is possible then he has to be prepared to be the hands on person in the years to come I hope she has a health directive in writing stating her wishes for DNR but her doc that helped push the daughter out of the picture should have addressed that issue and her wonderful son should be aware of all of this-she told the daughter she has no rights concerning her mother that was very clear so it will not her bing hands on-I do not blame the mother-my mother told me my sister has the final say but my sister and I are on the same page so it does not matter-my mother was not even aware she has a DNR-she told me she didn't but she does.

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