My 97 year old mother wants to disown my sister and me. She said she gets more love from her friends than she does from us.

Started by

We live far away but have visited her every month and been there for every crisis that has come up. We have stayed with her and overseen her care through numerous hospital and convalescent stays. She has 24/7 home care now but thinks we should be taking care of her. She says we are only interested in our inheritance. It's all very hurtful.


I would say okay, Mom. Some older people have the idea that a daughter is obligated to be a caregiver. This may have been fine back in the day when families still lived down the road from each other, but it isn't that easy now. You're doing what you can to make sure she is cared for. Saying that she is going to disown you is most likely a way of trying to force your hand to donate your life to her. Is she willing to come live near you? Or is she requesting you come to her home?

If she is being cared for, I wouldn't worry. If she disowns you, it would be sad, but there is only so much you can do.
This is often the means by which the elderly parents try to manipulate their kids.

I don't blackmail at all. My response..."ok..that's your choice." Do not visit the next time...send a card.

I betshe changes her tune really fast once she knows that you can't be manipulated  that way.
My brother got fairly aggressive in making sure my moms driver licence was taken away - and it was called for with no doubt.

But of course my mom didn't quite see it that way. So when my brother and I were at her IL apartment having our "intervention" mom went ballistic and during her tirade yelled at my brother that she was going to cut him out of her will. His response - "that's fine. I don't need your money".  That left her sputtering and with no wind in her sails.

In the end my mom never followed through with her threat and she also stop using her money as ammunition.

Call your moms bluff. Maybe she will - maybe she won't. But either way you'll be better off knowing exactly where things stand. Bully's keep on bullying until someone puts a stop to it.
I notice you say that your mom has age related decline. At 97 she most likely has a degree of dementia as well.

Living a convalescent life style tends to give one too much time to think about grievances.
When you hear her being critical that you aren't there, you might try telling her that you love her too. That you miss her and that you will visit as soon as possible. That's probably what she really wants.

At 97 she knows her days are numbered and having her kids around probably does make her feel better.

It's hard never having a moment alone. Caretakers are not family. It takes awhile to accept the new order of things. It was a hard thing to hear but I'm sure it doesn't change your commitment to her. Hugs
Thank you all for your comments. It made me feel better that all of you responded so quickly. It is all so stressful and painful. It's not just that she is 97 years old and my sister and I must oversee her care. It's that she has always been a difficult and narcissistic person and now she is more so. Since I wrote this post I have found out that she really balled out one of her caregivers and really upset her. In the past three years she has fired at least 10 caregivers.
Just be careful that firing caregivers isn't a way to create an emergency situation where you two have to step in to provide care until she can get another caregiver....which won't happen.
What does "disown" your mean? She'll stop sending birthday cards? She won't spend holidays with you? You are not welcome in her home? She is changing her will and her insurance beneficiaries? Does she even know what she means?

She has full time caregivers. Wow! That is expensive. Is she wealthy enough to continue to pay for that for a couple of years, and still have enough left over to leave a substantial inheritance?

She is going to disown you? "That is OK Mom. You do what you have to do. I'll still be concerned about you and try to monitor your care. If you have a crisis and are in the hospital and want to re-own me, I'll be there for you."
If there is mental decline, she can't change her will. No lawyer should do it. Seems like u have all u can. Just try to ignore her and change the subject.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support