My 90-year-old mother suffers from dementia and lives in her own home.

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Her 4 children agreed to be responsible for her 1 week at a time. One child works full time and hires a lady to stay with mother while she works [she spends every lunch hour with mother] One child works 4 1/2 hours three days a week and this week has the lady hired for 51 hours [overnight one night]. This lady is paid with mother's money. The other two children [one is semiretired, and one is retired] those two put their lives on hold and spend 24/7 with mom. I'm the retired one and I feel this is so unfair. Can someone help me with the bitterness I am suffering.


She's be so much better off in an assisted living facility. But make sure it comes highly recommended. There are some horror stories out there.
If this arrangement isn't satisfactory to everyone involved (and it doesn't seem to be to you) then make a different arrangment. For example, maybe Mother's money can be used for a certain number of hired caregiving every week, and you kids can each supplement that time during your week.

Or, even better, get Mother into a care center where all of you can visit her as loving children, not as stressed caregivers.

Is there any reason Mother must stay in her home?
I am struggling with a similar issue: my brother is the closest (in location), has no job, but seems to have too many issues in his personal life to be present and help out. I live 3000 miles away and am getting ready to put my life on hold for a few months to come out and help out. My brother has not shown the ability to be responsible: emotionally or financially. I am resentful, too. So, to assure that my mother is not taken advantage of (emotionally and financially) and get her the care she needs, I am looking to do a few things: 1) hire a caregiver to come in once a week to make sure groceries, housekeeping, and bathing/grooming are being done, 2) have a day care service pick her up 3 other days/week, and 3) set up a monthly calendar with friends choosing 1-2 days per month to stop by and visit with her or take her out. That's the plan ... we'll see if it works out.
shelbydoze, that sounds like a well-thought-out plan. I see that your mother has mobility problems, which is very different from dementia. (It probably wouldn't be sufficient for dementia.) Can your mother dress herself and be ready for the day care van?

Good luck! And do let us know how this works out!

Usually the ADL's ( Activities of Daily Life) are used to determine if an elderly person is able to live alone and may care for themselves with or without outside help. If these four activities fail, it is time to consider a move where help can be found. I believe (not sure) that the ADL's are: Dressing , Bathing, Eating and Going to the Bathroom.

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