Mother unwillingly refuses to go into nursing home.

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My boyfriends mother is 70 yrs. old, we moved in last August, She has been homebound for 4 1/2 yrs, has a non-reversible colostomy, stage 4 COPD, stage 3 kidney failure, heart problems, had 2 strokes, had an artery occlusion, is legally blind, is 5'3" weighs over 200 lbs, eats constantly,she doesn't have one good tooth in her mouth, her teeth and black and literally breaking off at the roots, she refuses any type of help, is on 2 liters of oxygen, smokes 10 to 12 cigarettes, has dementia and alzheimers and a brain tremor (from alcohol withdrawl). She lays in bed or on the couch all day and complains and moans and groans all the time. All of the health problems that she has "aren't her fault". She refuses to do anything to help herself get better. (ITS A LOSING BATTLE) She refuses to exercise, (CUZ IT HURTS). It has become "UNBEARABLE" living with her and hearing her complain and moan and groan all the time. We have "NO LIFE" outside the four walls we live under. She has to be the center of attention and exagerrates to get all the sympathy she can get. She lies to her doctor, she hates when her nurse comes for weekly visits, she gets aggravated and stresses herself out over nothing. There is no reasoning with her cuz she's "ALWAYS RIGHT!" She needs to go into a nursing homes but refuses, my boyfriend and I are "OVERWHELMED" and totally "STRESSED OUT". We feel like she is taking advantage of us 100%. There is no one else willing to take on the responsibility to care for her. She had 3 caregivers before and she fired all 3 because they wouldn't do what she wanted. When we moved in with her she told us that she would do everything she could to get better, but that lasted less than a month. We need to do something before we lose our sanity. Can anyone offer us any suggestions please?


My biggest question is are you and your bf financially independent? If you are, you can find a place of your own and help from a distance. Unless you have guardianship, you cannot control her behavior. You can only control your response to it. With you there, she may feel she has all the help she needs, so doesn't need to do anything. A NH is a huge change for her, because she wouldn't be able to smoke or eat all the time. It would be a complete change of her life.

I hope someone else will have some useful advice for you. Legally you are presently limited, so you can only decide what you and bf want to do. If you decide to stay, you will want to enlist the aid of a legal attorney to see what you can do legally for bf's mother.
Other than mom wanting you to be there what is keeping you living in the house? Do you depend on living there to live or do you have income that allows you to move out? Does she ever need hospitalization? If she does you should talk to the nurse and tell her that you won't be able to provide help when she gets out and that she needs rehab at a nursing facility. Why is she having a nurse come in weekly? What does she do? Does she have a social worker come in routinely? You need to talk to them about the situation and make it clear that you won't be there long and they need to make arrangements for her care. You can't go on like this. You can visit her in a nursing home and make sure she has her needs met and isn't forgotten.
You need to stop doing things for her that she should do and doesn't. If it hurts then she needs to push through it. We all have to do it sometimes.
Does she still drink? Who buys her the alcohol and cigs? You don't have to, and shouldn't.
You are doing your best but the idea of helping is getting foggy. Don't let yourself get lost. Hang in there and keep posting so we can help. Take care. You and your boyfriend are good hearts. You need to make sure you're okay or you're no good to anyone else.
This sounds exactly like my mom, I am currently living beside her, away from my family. I do have Guardienship at this time, but unfortunately, you cant physically force someone to go to a nursing home, except for a Baker Act, which has already been done. She said my sister abused her and called 911, they ended up Baker Acting her, she tried to shoot my sister. The hospital released her the next morning. At times my mother is completely sane, but other times not. I am in the same predicament. We have to have proper paperwork from her doctor and she will not go. The stress is unbearable, and i miss my family.
My heart goes out to all those who suffer in this situation and I can so relate to everything I just read. The alcohol and smoking must go. Someone in the family has to be the enforcer - that is what I call it because the longer the behavior is allowed, if it is in your home then the harder it will be to cope. I finally had to stop my father from smoking in the house as he was burning the bed, himself and putting ashes out in paper. I could not sleep with this going on so I said no more smoking in this house. If he wants to smoke he has to go outside. I let it go too long and I am guilty of that too but when the time comes to stand your ground in your own home it is time. Wait a minute I just re-read your question. You live in her home so she feels she can do what she wants - I see the picture now. I would demand no smoking regardless whose house it is especially with oxygen! That is serious business. How is she getting these cigarettes? Can you suggest the patch or gum or can the doctor help out with this smoking. I would be afraid with oxygen in the house as it puts all of you at risk of a fire and/or explosion. This is nothing to play around with. You said she is legally blind as well. My this is a lot. I pray for you to seek some help in your community. Call up a meeting with her doctor while you are in with her and the doctor talk about these things because they need to know these things. My heart goes out to you and since I joined here I have read and met so many that are going through rough times. It is wonderful to lean on each other for support and encouragement. I know because I am stressing out too lately with my situation. It is easy for others to say oh don't stress out but until they live it 24/7 they will never understand what we are trying to say or reach out for help. I pray for you and your husband.
When your mom or dad is mentally clear for the most part you can’t force them to do anything they refuse to do.Try to visit their living home first and then explain them the facilities available.

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