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My mother has severe dementia, still knows us, but after placing her in a Memory Care Facility, she hates it and wants to come home. She keeps saying it's not time and she doesn't need it. She has become angry and at times she seems lucid but most of the time she is not. She doesn't want to lose control. We placed her on Monday, today is Friday and I have had her in the ER twice in 4 days. Once for falling and once for anger/violent.
The conversations are all about leaving. What to do?


Also I visited the first three days and then they suggested I stay away for a few days. I didn't go one day (yesterday) and in the evening she became violent.

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I was asked to stay away from the MC for a week and I did. My LO did great during that time, but, she also started on medication for anxiety and depression. That helped A LOT and she seemed quite content and has remained that way. Not sedated at all, but, quite alert. I'd inquire about options with her doctor.

I'd also try not to have too many expectations of her being happy and content, because that doesn't always happen, even though she may be exactly where she needs to be to get the care she needs. But, they may change as they progress, so she may not always protest as much.
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I placed my dad last March. The MC facility suggested we stay away for a month. We did. I checked in a few times a week and even dropped by in such a manner that he did not see me, but I saw him. It was hard. He was very confused. But, I think it was good advice. It also gave me and my mom time to get our heads together, too.
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Mom needs calming meds or her current meds adjusted and you should stay away. It is tough. I’m going through the same thing with both parents. Dad was swinging at staff 2 weeks ago. Mom has fallen 3 times, the last fall broke her collar bone.

Staff stays in touch with me on all issues. I’m long distance but rarely call. I’m the bad guy right now.

They are slowly settling in but will never be happy and I’ll be the bad guy until the dementia gets worse. They wouldn’t be happy at home either because they’d end up in the ER every day but they remember home from years ago when they took care of themselves.
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THat must be so hard!! This advice is not from personal experience, but from reading this forum for a while.

It has been less than a week, that is a VERY short amount of time for her to adjust. The first thing I would do is give yourself and your Mom a lot longer before you expect her to be accustomed to the new place.

Also, it is probably a good idea to back off of the visits for a while, as suggested by the MC facility. Your visits just remind her that she is not where she wants to be.

Is she seeing a neurologist who could prescribe medication that might calm her down and help with the violence?

Good luck and keep us updated. There have been numerous threads here about parents having trouble adjust, but then do well after 1-2 months. I hope your story will have a similar ending.
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