So many things to do for elderly mother! She needs a personal assistant.

Started by

constant questions, constant errands.


Hey, I need a personal assistant, but, sigh, no one has seen fit to provide me with one. :-D

I see on your profile that your mother is at home. Do you live with her, or see her often? Are her demands getting to you?
Can you set some boundaries, such as a schedule for errands? Say, a few days of the week that are convenient for you? I do for my Mom any day of the week, but the only thing I do is take care of her at this point. She is almost 96. So, I feel she needs me most right now. If you are tired, let her know you are tired. If you don't have the answer, maybe tell her she can write down the questions and you will look them up online when you get to it and print her off the answers. Does she have something she is working on that requires a deadline? I have found through this site and others that we have to take care of ourselves or we will not be able to take care of them. It is not selfish, it is necessary. I have had to value myself a little more, not more than others. Just more than I valued myself before. After all, they value themselves.
Wait, there are services that will help. At least where I live, in Southern Wisconsin, we have supportive home care. Here are some of the things they'll do:

Assistance with activities of daily living such as meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping and other errands
Respite care, companionship and supervision
Assistance with medication reminders
Personal care like grooming, bathing, toileting and dressing
Routine household upkeep, including general housekeeping chores, lawn mowing or snow removal
Overnight, weekend and 24-hour care
Transportation for appointments and errands

These services are not covered by Medicare, but you can pick what you want help with for your mother. I was looking into this for my parents, but they've decided to go into assisted living.

I think it's important to help our parents, but it's not okay to allow them to take over our lives to the point where we're overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful. My husband found this information thru our county Health Department. Hope you have something similar.
I am taking care of my mother which is full time, I have no support or help from anyone. I don't know how long I can do this, my husband gives me no support at all and makes me feel guilty, what do you do???
If your mother is as old as you say she is, I would inquire with her primary care physician about in-home care services that may be provided via medicare if she qualifies.
Do yourself and your mother a favor and look into it. I am retired and caring for my father full time and my distant mother part time, but I still receive some in home services for my father. He will also be starting a senior activity program where they pick him up and bring him home 5 days a week. This will give me some much needed respite as well.
Contact your local agency on aging and see what is available in your area.
Cyber hugs,
I feel u. I need a personal assistant to manage my life while I do my Moms!
There is hope and help. You just need to make a couple of phone calls and speak with the Counsel on Aging and her doctor. The doctor may have to complete some paperwork, but at least it will be better than what you have right now.
I went through your same situation when I was still working. I do understand.
What do you do when you have two parents that need help, they won't go to assisted living, and refuse a nurse? One of them has dementia, and my father is not equipped to handle her. Also, we were told even if we get a nurse, medicare will not pay for it. What can we do?
It can be overwhelming, but you need to keep looking for help. Ask a lot of questions. Talk to your parents' physician. Talk to your pastor. It can take some effort and I think we can all get in a rut where we feel like we don't have options, but this is also YOUR life. You have some choices, but it can take time, effort and courage. In some cases, you might even want to talk to a mental health professional for yourself! I had to do that at one point because my father was driving me crazy. It helped to talk about what was going on and what was reasonable for my own wellbeing.

It might sound cold, but while you love your parents and you want to do the right things, they are coming to a time when things are winding down. You still have time left and you deserve to experience that in a positive, fulfilling way. I'm not saying there aren't difficult times, but don't make it harder than it has to be. Be creative and stop feeling as though your parent(s) won't manage unless you are there to take care of everything.

Finally, have you ever thought about how you are going to treat your own children when you need help? Do you want them to secretly resent you and feel like they can hardly manage? I think you want them to be happy and you want the time they spend with you to be meaningful, not exhausting.
TheirDaughter speaks volumes of truth! I know it's easier said than done, but it's like "you putting on the air mask in a crashing plane," you must help yourself before you can help others.
Your mother may not like it, but it sounds like ADL's (Activities of daily living) would permit her to be placed in a nursing facility. The 5 ADL's are, dressing, feeding, toileting, transferring (from one place to another) and bathing by themselves. She may qualify under dementia or Alzheimer's alone.
You are correct that Medicare will NOT pay for a daily caregiver and if you submit and receive any reimbursement from the Alzheimer's Assoc., it's only $100 a month in reimbursement. I know it doesn't sound like much, but think of how many people are diagnosed with this disease!
Just bear in mind that all facilities are not the same and visit them. Ask questions such as, when was the last time you were accredited, by who and what was your score? Ask about their turnover rate, ask other family members how they feel about their loved ones being there. My husband and I took two days and went from home to home visiting and asking these questions before placing my father in one --------and that was just for medical rehabilitation. It's worth the time and effort.
More than anything, you will gain peace of mind that your mother is placed in nice facility. Because you live in the home, make certain that it is going to you so that you have a place to live before she accepted.
You're mother might not like it much when it happens, but within a few weeks, she'll be playing bingo and gossiping with the other little old ladies!
My father enjoyed it so much, he asked to stay an extra week, but they had to show he was making some type of progress; they went from a walker to a cane in one week. He's home with us now and he's doing fine. He's dying slow death, but when it comes time, we'll call in hospice. In the meantime we have in-home health care coming out 4 days a week to check on him.
Bottom line is you must take care of yourself, in order to properly take care of your mother.
I have seen entirely too many of my own relatives go through this very situation.
I don't proclaim to have all the answers, just suggestions and only you and your mothers doctors can say it's time.
Cyber hugs (as I wait yet another day to see if my father wakes up and what kind of day it will be:)

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