I know this is going to take up more than 5000 characters! I'm a bit overwhelmed and not sure what I should do or even if I should do anything.
First: I'm the oldest of 4 children and I'm 45. In my professional life I'm a senior military officer and considered tough but ideal. When it comes to my family, however, I'm a pudding. I couldn't have children so my sister...a born leech...has used her children as a method of digging into my pockets for the last 23 years. I love them, however, and being able to influence them positively has made it worth it. I'm not married, though I once was when young. No relationships for the last decade or two, just work and my animals. My other sister is an excellent RN with a nice family. My brother I don't know about. I only know he's alive because every few years banks or car agencies call me to try to get money...which I give up...rather than cause the family stress. I've been the rock for the family, so to speak, but have spent the majority of my own life worrying about taking care of things because it is very much a one way street.
Now for my mother. She was a selective abuser, which I understand is common. As the oldest, I was her selection. She was an astonishingly vicious abuser in a physical, mental, emotional and every other way to me. When I got big enough to turn around and say, no more or I'll hit back, she got rid of me. I spent the rest of my formative years in a reformatory and never came back home again. I worked my way up, was homeless as a kid so I could use my money for school, worked hard, did well and then made a very successful career. Starting about 15 years ago, when she realized I was successful, she started making steps toward acting like everything was fine. Long distance. I wanted her to love me, of course, but I'm also very aware that her love is predicated on strict adherence to her delusions of a perfect self and no mention of her darker side. In the few times she visited me, if I did something she didn't like she would cross her eyes and glare at me and start with the nasty talk. As an adult, I will not tolerate it and was not at all tactful in telling her to stuff it. We reached an uneasy peace where I don't challenge her delusions and she doesn't try to control me. That lasted well until a couple of years ago when Mom got sick.
She got lung cancer. She is not, and has never been, a smoker. She is just one of the unlucky ones. She had the third lobe of a lung removed and it was found so early and was the least dangerous kind so she didn't even need chemo. She recovered completely...or should have.
But, my mother is also the laziest person on the planet of this earth and truly believes that it is her right for all persons she created to flit around her serving her needs.
She was fat and though she worked a job, once she came home her butt was planted on a couch and directing us to bring her this or do that. Our saturdays as children consisted of her sitting watching tv and screaming out directions for what we should clean next and beatings if it wasn't perfect. She required a house clean enough to eat off the floor but didn't do any of it herself. Once we left, she kept her own house but mostly by not moving things or dirtying them. All things must remain exactly as they are. Dusting would occur at some point but it wasn't the perfect place she had while she still had house slaves.
This laziness took an even more drastic turn as she now had "her cancer" to use as an excuse. Eventually, she moved to Florida into a house right by my sister...the nurse. For the past several years she has eaten her main meal of the day at her house. She will only peck at junk food the rest of the day. And her modus operandi is to show up, sit on her couch and direct the bringing of food and drinks. Not one time in all those years has she even offered to help or do dishes or even clear a table.
About 2 years ago, she began to go downhill, complaining of pain. She also took to her bed. Though she still worked, she used the new rules about people with chronic conditions to not go to work very often and simply use me to give her money each money to make her bills. She laid in bed for about 1.5 years every single moment she wasn't at work or eating at my sister's house.
I'm running out of room so I'm going to continue on another note. I just have to get this all out....