May I complain?

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Things have gone along pretty well for 3-4 years. I have only occasionally checked in here. Life has been Tolerable. But my mother in law is now 91 and her diabetes is much worse and I cannot be sure, but she may have a touch of dementia - put it is more likely a personality disorder. She is SO NEGATIVE that the air is thick with her misery. I am so tired of hearing her tell me how bad she feels (I am pushing 70 and don't feel so hot either!), and she is forever asking WHY she is still alive and basically being negative about every single thing in life. She never says one thing that could be construed as remotely positive. If the sun shines - it is too bright. Get the picture? I have to practically force by hubby to go in and spend 5 minutes with his mother. Thankfully she can still bathe and toilet herself BUT her bathroom is a germaphobe's worst nightmare!! I do all her cleaning and nearly all her cooking. We try to keep her from cooking anything at all - but she still refuses to warm things up in the micro. She MUST use a pan on the stove. I know there is absolutely nothing anyone can do about this and 'this too shall pass' - somehow - but it has been a long, long time since I felt the need to 'dump' here and I do - with all my heart - appreciate this forum. I still pray for all caregivers. Often, only God appreciates all we endure and do for our loved ones.

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I figured that was what you meant. So your dad was showtiming at the hospital.

I think my mother is beginning to slip. I recognize the holes in her reasoning that my brothers don't seem to always notice. I always like their input when they come to visit, because I like to hear others' perspectives.

I feel kind of defeatist about it all, though, because I've learned from this site how very difficult it is to have elders declared incompetent. And my mother would fight any loss of control, as she is a control freak. I can foresee lots of arguing about things as her reasoning further slips. And I know that there are all sorts of ways to deal with elders, but the truth is that I don't want to do it. I don't want to be that involved with her.

She has EXCELLENT LTC insurance (doesn't qualify yet), but has told me she never wants to use it.
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Should have said WASNT ALL THAT APPARENT
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At that time, Dads dementia was all that apparent and he would tell the hosp staff they were all set, good to go etc. and it was convincing. He "showed" well but his executive reasoning was slipping. Since I'm long distance and not around him much it took me a while to realize something was wrong. The dementia has increased ever so slowly over the past 6 years.
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Wow, Windyridge. The hospital thought it was fine to release your mother home with just your father to take care of her?

I had to take care of my mother when she was pretty helpless for over a week at the beginning of last year. I didn't have to change her diapers or sheets or anything like that (whew!), but I did have to help her with toileting, bathing, dressing, administering her meds, and had to cook and prepare her meals. I determined that I would never do that again, because she had to direct my every move and micromanage everything.
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I was pressed into Lone Ranger caregiving about 6 years ago after the deaths of my siblings. I live 600 miles away from my folks. It was baptism by fire.

I called to check on them one night, got Dad on the phone, and he tells me, oh btw, you're moms in the hospital. She had some sorta operation. (Small bowel surgery it turns out) I jump in the car, drive 12 hours and get home just as Dad is trying to carry mom into the house. (I realized later that Dad was well into mild dementia. At the time I was ready to kill him)

Bottom line, I ended up as nurse, bath aid, depends changer, soiled sheet tech, and dietitian for over a week until I could get some in home care going. (At the time, 55 year old son, 80 year old mom). It had to be done, there was no one else. Ive done a few days duty since, and I may have to again, but I will never take on the task full time in my home or theirs.
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I'm in the same pack with Jessiebelle and Evermore - I don't want to know about anybody's bodily functions. When my mother reaches the point where she needs help toileting, she's going to a nursing home. I am NOT doing that. I don't want to see her naked, I don't want to see (let alone touch) her private areas, I don't want to clean anything up. One time I had to clean up (and see abundantly) bloody vomit when she puked all over the bathroom and was rushed to the ER in an ambulance. That was unpleasant, but at least she wasn't there, or naked. EEEW to that !!!!
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Please don't beat up on me guys. I'm not taking care of an elder and refuse to let my grandmother in my place to be cared for. I'm squimish when it comes to someone else's body functions and bodily fluids.A lot of you can probably tell that I don't have kids. Old Couger, the next time she has to be taken to the hospital to be cleaned out, talk to a social worker to see if you can get her placed into assisted living or a nursing home. It sounds like she can't be left alone for a nano second. Find a place for her so you can go on vacation, you need a vacation.
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In our area, we have a non-profit respite home which is overseen by one of the local hospitals. They just ask for donations. Does your area have one so you can take your vacation?
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Oldcodger may be like me. I personally don't want to think of anyone's butt. That's their business and I prefer they mind their own! Boundaries, limits, and walls built all about me when it comes to adult butts.
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Old Codger there is one way out. Take her to the ER or call 911 and go away a long way away. When the hospital calls which they will many times during the required three days tell them you can't take her back and don't do it. They will make it unpleasant for you and threaten but hold firm and go somewhere with no phone service.
If you can't face the digging could you manage an enema - you can do it with her sitting on the commode there is more room than on the toilet
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