My mother-in-law is destroying our lives.

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My mother-in-law is destroying our lives.

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My wife is too attached to her mother.

My wife and I have been married for 1 year now and have one beautiful son together. We are a happy family when my MIL is not in the picture. My problem is that she's ALWAYS in the picture.
My MIL lives at a convenient distance from us. Not too close, yet not far enough.but she stays at our home every time she shows up (2days as minimum)
I understand that she needs time to be with her mother and That's why I don't complain about not seeing and talking my wife at times my MIL is around
my MIL and FIL live together for over 26 years however my FIL is complaining sometimes about his life with her in between my FIL is such harmless person I truly respect him, what it really hurts me is that the women in this family were all trained from birth that mother knows best and that mother is the only thing that matters in this world.
My MIL thinks that I, as a 30 years old man don’t know shit and she is the only one knows everything and she is always right,

Excuse my French, but that's bull $h!t. I agree that mothers are certainly very important in our lives, but they are not EVERYTHING in our lives. I love my mother more than most things in this world. However, I'm married now. I can't shove my wife's and kid needs aside in order to make my mother happy.

I don't want my MIL to be in the picture while I so desperately try to enjoy QUALITY time with my family.

This lady craves more attention than a 6 month old child. She's constantly complaining about being tired about how much she is helping us and etc. Let me add that she's only 51 years old. It's sickening to me how my wife falls for her manipulation.

I've spoken to my wife on a number of occasions and she always changes for a while. Then of course the MIL always manages to make my wife feel guilty. I love my wife so much but I cant take this situation any longer, my wife is so attached to her mother and her mother knows everything about our lives even she asks my wife how is our sex life can you imagine? I can't take this situation any longer and even though I love my wife so much but I feel I cant pretend to be happy anymore, im puzzled ,im so tired I don’t know what is the right thing to do 

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B BarbBrooklyn Dec 2016 · Answer 1 · 2016-12-06T04:59:44.000-0500

My dear, please find a marriage therapist and take your wife, now! If your wife won't or can't go, go yourself. Your wife may also need individual therapy to break the bonds of Fear Obligation and Guilt with which her mother has tied her.

N notrydoyoda Dec 2016 · Answer 2 · 2016-12-06T04:21:36.000-0500

Sounds like she's already doing everything to break up your marriage. You two can't allow that.

F fmylife Dec 2016 · Answer 3 · 2016-12-05T22:08:55.000-0500

i wish you knew her , if we do something against her willing she would do everything to break up our marriage , so many times she said to my wife why she married me because im muslim , so many times she asked me what will be the religion of baby ,i said it doesnt matter what religion he will have but what is matter is that we want to grow him up as a good person , but she ,,, i fed up guys

N NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2016 · Answer 4 · 2016-12-05T16:09:36.000-0500

Your MIL cannot *force* you to do anything. You chose to give your baby that medicine. Stop blaming your MIL for your choices. You cannot control your MIL. You can control yourself and how you rear your child.

P pamstegma Dec 2016 · Answer 5 · 2016-12-03T15:55:39.000-0500

fmylife, problems with the mother in law exists in all cultures. You and your wife took vows to be true to each other. Nobody else. You must ask your wife to choose: you or the mother. No middle ground.

B BarbBrooklyn Dec 2016 · Answer 6 · 2016-12-03T15:38:18.000-0500

How hard is it to say "no"? Have you tried that? As in "no, mom, we're doctors. That medicine has been shown not to work, and the baby's doctor says we mustn't give that. If you'd like to argue with the pediatrician, here is her number. This is our home and our child. We make the rules about both of those things".

How would that work? Is MIL mentally ill? Narcissistic? Borderline Pwrsonality Disorder?

N notrydoyoda Dec 2016 · Answer 7 · 2016-12-03T15:15:43.000-0500

No, that's going too far!

Forcing you two who are doctors to give your baby a medicine that you know doesn't help. She must have made a very big threat to force that into taking place.

F fmylife Dec 2016 · Answer 8 · 2016-12-03T14:15:51.000-0500

labs4me, well i guess you are right but im persian and in persian culture family is always our first priority but my MIL wants to control our lives and she thinks whatever you guys are doing is wrong and she is always right , she always says у меня есть опыт it means i have experience, my wife and i are both doctors but she even force us to give a medicine to our baby which she thinks is good for him and we know it doesnt help

L Labs4me Dec 2016 · Answer 9 · 2016-12-03T11:52:31.000-0500

fmylife, you are dealing with a situation where you wife comes from a culture that has deep family ties, especially between mother and daughter. It takes time to change what your wife was brought up to believe in. Be persistent, but patient. Couple counseling would be beneficial for you and your wife to help mediate the differences in your cultures.

N notrydoyoda Dec 2016 · Answer 10 · 2016-12-03T11:08:59.000-0500

Boundaries need consequences. The next time you talk with your wife about boundaries tell her there will be consequences if she breaks them. It sounds to me that you could benefit from seeing a therapist to help you with these boundary issues and setting some reasonable consequences.

My wife was too attached to her manipulative mother. It was a real struggle for her to get her freedom but she did get help from a therapist. My therapist gave me some ideas about consequences. For example, my wife broke a boundary that she had agreed to about her mom. The consequence was that our boys and I left the house to stay in a hotel while her mother visited. Now that got my wife's attention. Things began to change after that. I'm not saying to do this in your situation, but it worked for me.

Your wife is enmeshed with her mom and thus has failed to truly bound with you as your wife. If she will get help and get her freedom, the intimate bound of your marriage will be much better. I wish you the very best.

F fmylife Dec 2016 · Answer 11 · 2016-12-03T10:49:03.000-0500

thank you all .

N NYDaughterInLaw Dec 2016 · Answer 12 · 2016-12-03T10:04:46.000-0500

Your MIL has groomed your wife with fear, obligation, and guilt. In the event your MIL does become incapacitated, I expect she will manipulate your wife into believing she should be allowed to move in or your wife must become her caregiver because no one else will do.

Get busy. Plan outings for you and your family so that you are busy people. And no, MIL is not invited to come along. Both of you need to learn about healthy boundaries.

And you should request that your wife stop talking about your sex life with her mother. If you do not speak up, nothing will change.

B BarbBrooklyn Dec 2016 · Answer 13 · 2016-12-03T08:32:58.000-0500

Have you thought about going with your wife to see a marriage counselor?

R Rainmom Dec 2016 · Answer 14 · 2016-12-03T03:26:48.000-0500

I don't mean to sound insensitive but I agree with the first reply that's says you'll probably have better luck getting advice on a different site - one geared towards relationships and marriage. Since your MIL is only 51 your difficulties with her likely stem from her personality and not her age - and looking after/ caregiving to a more elderly population and all of their age related difficulties and decline is what this site is geared towards. Still, I wish you luck.

G gladimhere Dec 2016 · Answer 15 · 2016-12-02T23:14:15.000-0500

I think you may have more luck on another site. This site is geared towards helping caregivers that are caring for elderly spouses, parents, etc. Especially caring for those with dementia.

F fmylife Dec 2016 · Answer 16 · 2016-12-02T23:06:34.000-0500

plz help me

F fmylife Dec 2016 · Answer 17 · 2016-12-02T21:32:05.000-0500

i forgot to mention im iranian and she is belarusian

My mother-in-law is destroying our lives.

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