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My wife is too attached to her mother.

My wife and I have been married for 1 year now and have one beautiful son together. We are a happy family when my MIL is not in the picture. My problem is that she's ALWAYS in the picture.
My MIL lives at a convenient distance from us. Not too close, yet not far enough.but she stays at our home every time she shows up (2days as minimum)
I understand that she needs time to be with her mother and That's why I don't complain about not seeing and talking my wife at times my MIL is around
my MIL and FIL live together for over 26 years however my FIL is complaining sometimes about his life with her in between my FIL is such harmless person I truly respect him, what it really hurts me is that the women in this family were all trained from birth that mother knows best and that mother is the only thing that matters in this world.
My MIL thinks that I, as a 30 years old man don’t know shit and she is the only one knows everything and she is always right,

Excuse my French, but that's bull $h!t. I agree that mothers are certainly very important in our lives, but they are not EVERYTHING in our lives. I love my mother more than most things in this world. However, I'm married now. I can't shove my wife's and kid needs aside in order to make my mother happy.

I don't want my MIL to be in the picture while I so desperately try to enjoy QUALITY time with my family.

This lady craves more attention than a 6 month old child. She's constantly complaining about being tired about how much she is helping us and etc. Let me add that she's only 51 years old. It's sickening to me how my wife falls for her manipulation.

I've spoken to my wife on a number of occasions and she always changes for a while. Then of course the MIL always manages to make my wife feel guilty. I love my wife so much but I cant take this situation any longer, my wife is so attached to her mother and her mother knows everything about our lives even she asks my wife how is our sex life can you imagine? I can't take this situation any longer and even though I love my wife so much but I feel I cant pretend to be happy anymore, im puzzled ,im so tired I don’t know what is the right thing to do 

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Is ot possible that you've been misinformed? The way I read it, in Belarus, motheres are ENTITLED to two years of maternity leave, with return to their jobs guaranteed, bot that they are REQUIRED to take that time off.
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actually its a big chance for her , because in belarus there is such a rule than women after giving birth must go to maternity leave for 3 years , it means 3 years she cant work in belarus ,she must be at home , she is more excited to move to belgium more than me because from next sep she will study the language and next year after we will do specialty together in one university
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Mm. Well I'm glad you're familiar with the place. But I must admit I was thinking of your wife. Moving to a different country, big city, with a one month old baby and a husband who's going to be studying when he isn't working... You see how this could be very lonely for her? Possibly not too clever for her career, either.

I don't think you have to be terribly materialistic to worry that your expensively educated, medically qualified daughter seems to throwing her career away. It might cheer MIL up a bit if she looks longer-term, though - babies aren't babies for very long. Will your wife be able to register to practise in Belgium?
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i have already visited 3 times , i stayed for 4 months ,i should go for 2 years training but it doesnt mean i cant work , living cost is higher of course but the salary is around 4800 euros per month ,you know my MIL thinks she owns my wife because she has paid for her universities and her education she cant let go of my wife dude ,she is such a materialistic person
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Well, that sounds promising! Would you and your wife be able to visit your uncle's family and have a good look round before you move? I'm just thinking of what it would be like to land in a city with a new baby and not know anyone - pretty hard going.

My dentist is from Bucharest, as it happens - he and his wife moved here together I suppose about seven years ago, something like that. They've got consecutive professional registration numbers, which I think is cute :)

What does occur to me about the money, though, is that although salaries in Brussels might be higher than in Minsk, say, so are living costs, tuition fees, travel, everything... It does tend to be a case of what you gain on the swings, you lose on the roundabouts. Add up carefully, and don't forget to factor in family and friends - they do matter.

You mentioned having to study: are you actually qualified, or do you need to complete your training?
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Fmylife, I agree with all of the comments. While I also agree this may not be the site you want to be on, it IS from the standpoint that your wife is setting the stage for how things will go down the road. If your MIL is manipulative and intrusive now at age 51, imagine how she will be at age 71 when she may actually have real, physical demands that require the help of others. You are right in that your relationship with your wife is number 1. Remind your wife of the vows you took - nothing is to come between the protection of your marriage. Tell your wife to view your marriage as like a diamond under glass. It is to be protected at all costs from from anyone - even moms! Express support and love for your MIL. But make clear to your wife that your marriage must come first. Good luck.
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im a dentist and my wife anesthesiologist, my uncle work and live in brussle for more than 30 years he is a dentist as well , ill be working in one of his clinics ,here i earn only 250 a month thanks to my family business in iran i get some money every month which is not bad
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Just because your MIL says something, neither of you has to agree with her and come to that neither of you even has to hear what she says. She's entitled to her opinion. It would be pleasanter if she kept it to herself once in a while, I appreciate, but why does either of you have to react?

Your MIL can say whatever she likes. You and your wife will make the decisions that are best for your family regardless. In other words, *it doesn't matter*. IGNORE her!

Why Belgium, just out of interest?
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barb here is belarus, cops will not take my side instead they will deport me ,i swear it is as easy as im saying,,
guys a huge disaster happened today , we had a serious arguing today,
the thing is my wife and i are planning to move to Belgium work and study, but the first 2 years i must work ans study because my wife should take care of baby,this is what MIL said today ,maybe alesia and baby can stay for 2 years with me ,you go and study, work and whatever you wanna do there.... my wife and i were shocked ,we were speechless, she said to her mother what are you saying i got married to be with my husband but not you i was so shocked and i decided to take daniel ( my son ) out i told my wife we will be back when your mother is gone .after half an hour she left, guys im so unlucky , today my son is 1 month old we wanted to celebrate but now we have no mood , :( :(
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Yes, FM; what do you mean she "forces" you to. It's YOUR child and YOUR home. What happens if you say "no", put the baby wherever you want to put him and smile at her. Does she throw herself on the floor? Scream and cry? If she does that, call an ambulance for her. If she threatens to harm you or the baby, you call the cops.

Or does your wife want to go along with mama's way of doing things?
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I would not, but I would think of forcing her out of the house. She cannot force you two to do this with your child, but you two can tell stop demanding this or leave. It is time for truth and consequences.
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No. I would certainly not.
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hi again, my MIL is forcing us to give our newborn baby to her to sleep with her in another room, i didnt feel that i should give her ,is than okay ? if you had a newborn baby would you give him to your MIL? ( MY SON IS ONLY 21 DAYS OLD )
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FM, let us know what happens!
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guys thank you so much for being there with me, last few days i was so depressed however i feel much better now, we had a serious talk and she promised to change , also my friend talk to her, lets see what will happen again thank you thank you guys your messages made me so relax i feel much better
god bless you all
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Good luck to you. Your MIL sounds as if her issues are less about prejudice than they are about whatever mental/emotional issues she may have. There is NO excuse for her rude, overbearing behavior - prejudice of not. Sounds as if she is out to destroy your marriage. Focus on your wife and getting HER more on your "team" because you two ARE a team that MIL seems intent on busting up. It amazes me how some (many) MILS (especially when Grandmothers, ugh!) feel that they are part of the marriage - and how so many daughters go right along with it. She is NOT! She is a guest in your home AND your life. You and your wife need therapy NOW so your wife can start to cut the apron strings and learn how to set boundaries and focus on YOU and your little family, NOT pleasing her mother. MIL sounds like a sick woman. Best of luck to you.
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Yes, that's exactly what I mean.

I described what I suspect your mother in law's view is. I also said it was based on prejudice and ignorance.

And immediately you come back and accuse me of sharing her prejudices and ignorance?

I learned not to confuse Arabic and Persian culture when I was eight, thanks, from my school friends. But I wish you good luck all the same.
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You poor man. It sounds like you are really trying, and that your wife is very, well, backward in her thinking about how to solve the problems of daily living that you are having.

What kind of MD is she? Tell her from me ( I'm a school psychologist) that it's not crazy people who come to see us. It's the folks who LIVE with crazy folks who come to see us!

Perhaps you could ask her, for your sake, to come see a therapist so that she could explain her idea of marriage and family so that you can "adjust" to her and her family' s was of thinking.
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once i told her lets see a psychologist she said IM NOT CRAZY
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barb, yes we have but my wife doesnt want to go , here they dont really like this kind of things , last time we had argue with her mom i said alesia just gave birth i dont want her to have depression so lets stop she said russian girls wont get depression after giving birth
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churchmouse i think you should visit iran once, worth it , it will help you to learn more about our culture 7000 years worth it blv me i promise u wont judge iranian anymore
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Fear FM, moost of us here know that Iranins are Persian and not Arabs.

As you say, the problem is her "character" as you say...and " disordered personality", as I would say. Do you have marriage counselors, or psychiatrist at your hospital? YOU will not be able to convine your wife of anything. She needs an objective, outside perspective from a professional.

And the two of you, together, need help.
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well i dont know what you really think about iranian i guess you mixed them up with arabs because only in arab countries you may see men with couple of wives i dont say in iran there is no one with more than one wife but its rare ,
before getting married i invited all of them to iran and they stayed in our house fore a month then we got married ( a great wedding with more than 600 guests )
the reason i left iran , i moved to hungary when i was a teen i also studied there then i came here, beside what you said she loves to go and live in iran because doctors earn a lot of money,
yes i tried to be charming but the problem is her character not culture ,
she has problem with her SIL ,with her MIL and almost all her relatives , no one actually invite her to their ceremonies because she is bossy , because she wants to leave comment for everything , i dont say she is bad no she has a good heart that what it makes it harder because you know what she says or what she does is just because of character i dont know how to deal with it i dont know how to convince my wife that she is manipulating you
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FM, so......if you start getting into issues od " respect", if you are going to be the adult here, you need to tak the broad, progressive view.

Be charming ( even if it hurts)
Assume that what feels rude and disrespectful to you is actually a " cultural misunderstanding". As in " ah, mama, you think perhaps i should take paternity leave so Alessia can go to work? We've discussed that, and Alessia and i have decided.... ( here, you fill in what you and your wife have decided).

" ah, mama, you think (insert stuff anout childrearing, sex, marriage, family vacations). That may be the Belarussian way. In my country we....... But Alessia and I think......

Do you understand what I'm saying? As i mentioned before, it may take counseling.
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I wasn't going to chip in.

Well.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT???

You must - surely you *must* - have known that you were going to have a mountain of prejudice to overcome?

Your MIL will probably have a great many ideas about how Iranian men - especially Iranian, because the fact that you have *left* Iran clearly hasn't sunk in fully - treat their wives. Not positive ideas, either.

Your FIL probably entertains similar ideas but views them more wistfully than negatively.

Their daughter the doctor has now married a man they probably expect to treat her badly. There goes her career, now that she's stuck at home with a baby. There goes her independence. And she's chosen a husband who, who knows, may have half a dozen more wives dotted around the place and will have her veiled before long and may take her back - horrors! - to Iran any day now...

Basically, your MIL is not thrilled to have you around. Tell me that surprises you?

Europeans in general know very little about Persian culture; and even by those modest standards Belarus is not famous for its progressive and enlightened views.

Have you tried charm on your MIL?
Has your wife's family met any of your family? Do you have any sisters they could get to know, for example? Once they meet some actual Iranian ladies, as opposed to the caricatures they've read about, quite a lot of their fears might be put to rest.

You're going to have to decide whether you're going to stick to the long view, or give it up as a bad job. If you want to stay in Belarus with your wife and your baby and build your family's life there, then you will have to start chipping away at all that ignorance. It will take ages, and it will take effort, and only you can know whether you're up for it.

If you are prepared to give it enough time and patience, your child - maybe children, that would be nice - will grow up with the best of both worlds and you will teach your MIL, slowly, that she has very much misjudged you. I hope you succeed.
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omg get her out of your home before she kills your baby!! she has no idea what she is doing, stop being push over !! your child life is at stake!!

she just wants complete control of the home and every one who lives there !!
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dude if i was a jerk i would never spent time to write here , im just tired , im tired of judgment , im tired of being judged because im muslim, im so proud of being muslim because based on what my wife is saying to her friend no one has treated her like i do , but her mother from the first day had problem with me because im not from belarus, ill tell you another issue the salary of a doctor here in belarus is max 300 USD so my wife is earning 270 dollar almost , her father as a doctor with 25 years of exp earns 300 dolalr , but me i earn 1000 dollar, ( i have a family business with my dad in iran ) 1000 for belarus is lots of money ,and i spent all for my family but her mother some days ago said: maybe you can on maternity leave and alesia ( my wife ) goes to work ... what can you say about this ? aint disrespectful ? isnt rude?
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The only person he can control is himself and his reaction to this issue. I think it's not right to say tell your wife to do this and that. He's not her boss. And you're putting all the blame on her. This guy could be a jerk and the mil has every right to hate him. Who knows? If it was an issue before marriage then it's an issue afterwards. Instead of fighting, do like the other guy said, go to the hotel or change your approach with her. It doesn't seem like it's going to change especially now that a baby is here. She's obviously going to want to be near the baby.
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fmylife, this sounds completely toxic. Since your wife is being controlled by guilt and cannot extricate herself from the infantile role her mother persists in placing her in, it will be up to you to leave when the MIL invades your home. Your wife is somehow believing that she is still a little girl who cannot establish herself as a woman in the presence of her overbearing mother. In some ways, you're in a cycle of addiction, where your wife cannot break free of her imagined obligations to her parents. If she refuses to join you for couples counseling, seek help yourself.
When she notices that you're gone every time her mother arrives, she'll realize that she doesn't have a true marriage.
What would happen if you did something drastic like refuse entry to the MIL? She must not be allowed to let her prejudice and hostility come between you.
This is a terrible position, because she's rejected you and is forcing her daughter to choose between the two of you. It may be that in her country, extended family living is the norm, and sadly, the cultural issues may be more than your marriage can bear.
Are there any Belarussians that your wife can lean on for support? Maybe other young wives have had similar boundary issues.
Good luck- I hear your deep anger and frustration from being around this manipulative, castrating Alpha female.
She, too, sounds deeply unhappy. Therapy for all!
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I don't think it's going to last. Too much of a culture difference. But you will probably fight for 5 more years until you pull the plug.
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