My MIL is delusional and abusive and I'm at my wit's end.

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My 74 year old MIL is delusional. She's accused us of stealing her money, cancelling her burial insurance, leaving her alone, and other things. We live with her because we lost our house in 2013 and have no way to move somewhere else. She named my 20 year old nephew with Tourette's and ADHD her primary caregiver and he can't even remember to check his school email. She hordes her dirty underwear and tells her social workers I make her do it. She's absolutely convinced every social worker who comes to see her that we're the cause of all her problems and they refuse to interview us. She's verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm afraid she's going to file a police report one day when we haven't done anything wrong. If I offer to quit my job to take care of her she gets mad and tells me I'm stupid. I tell her that's the only way I'll have time to take care of her and she suggests I should cut back on my sleep. (I only get 4-6 hours a night because she crashes around the living room in her power chair at 2, 4, and 6 AM at least three nights a week.) She specifically asks me to do things for her, then gets mad when I do them and tells me she never asked me to do those things.

I have no idea what to do. Her doctor won't listen to me, her social workers won't listen to me, her brother won't listen to me...It's live on the streets or live in fear of being charged with crimes we didn't commit. My husband, her son, has fibromyalgia and he gets the worst of it. She berates him and tells him he's not really sick when it's all he can do to get out of bed some days. If anyone has any suggestions I'd appreciate them.


Does one of you have POA?
Yikes! Get out of Dodge by sundown!! Don't quit your job! Get on the list for affordable housing in Bristol VA at Save yourself.
Babalou, no...we do not. Its my understanding that my husband could get it, but he's so depressed he just doesn't have the wherewithal to do it.

If we tell her we're going to get section 8 she gets all pouty and defensive and begs us not to leave.
Get on the list for section 8 already! Why should you tell her anything, she's mentally ill!!!

Get your husband to a psychiatrist who can prescribe antidepressants meds if he's not on already! Get out of there!

This is no longer about mom being happy, it's about VirginiaDIL and her family being safe from prosecution. Mom's behavior is very typical of old people who are starting to show signs of dementia. If the family stays longer, they could be accused of abandoning an elder in need (neglect).

Probably the safest place is affordable housing. If your husband is depressed and "not up to" the challenge of getting the POA he's also not up to the challenge of defending himself from elder abuse charges in court. In your own home there would be no evil prison guard waking you guys up at all hours of the night like Mom is doing right now. Go apply for housing today, and don't bother telling Mom.
I would figure a way to get out too. Stay calm and make a plan. Plan A and Plan B, if that doesn't work out. Be smart and get away.

I'm not sure what's going on with your mom. Does she have dementia? Maybe others don't see it yet, but it does start out with that kind of bizarre and ugly behavior sometimes. Sadly, if that is what it is, she will go downhill. Often something drastic will happen and you'll be needed to step in. The irrational meanness can suddenly turn into someone who is frightened, confused and childlike.
We don't know if she has dementia. Her doctor refuses to do an assessment and refuses to send her to a neurologist, saying nothing is wrong with her except she's in pain. We went on a two week vacation last year. While we were gone, she accidentally killed one of the kittens, fell out of her wheelchair, broke her leg and had to have surgery and no one called us because she had her brother listed as her next of kin.

Before we left she arranged to have people come and look in on her every day. She refused to give me the numbers of these people. When we got back the social workers suggested we shouldn't have left.

It just goes on and on. I'm calling BRHA on Monday. I'm not sure at this point even I'm sane after everything we've endured.
Who are the social workers? Inform them that you are leaving permanently. Of course they will "suggest" that you shouldn't leave! If you leave, the state and county have to step in and do what you're doing for free. When they "suggest" ask what the penalty is for not. Let the state take over if she's not cooperative.
Since the social workers are already convinced by her that you are the "cause of all her problems" they should not fuss if you move out! Notify them you are going, and get moving!
She has dementia or psychosis, or both, and either one untreated means she should not be in charge of your life and your decisionmaking. You might try getting photographic and audio recorded evidence that would back up your version of what is going on, but if you can't do that, then you do need to get out of there after letting social services know that you do not think she can take care of herself. You did leave her alone and it was considered a mistake, which given her incapacity is understandable (also understandable why you needed to get away!), but the other specific accusations should be provable that they never happened.

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