Money disappearing.

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Mom is wanting pocket money. I have given her 20 dollars twice now. Everything is paid for in her monthly rent. The money is disappearing from her possessions. She needs this "reality" of ownership by having money in her pocket. Guess I should just consider someone is getting an extra "tip"? Don't think I should report it?


She is in a nursing home with dementia, I don't think she needs money. She likely doesn't know how to use it, what it is for , or even have a need for it. If she says she wants money tell her you will bring her what she needs. If you feel absolutely pressed, Just leave a dollar. Or put the (single) dollar in an envelope in her drawer. Make a big deal of it. By the time you leave, she probalby will forget it is there. The Assisted living place where my Mom was told us specifically NOT to leave money with the residents.
Someone may be getting an extra tip. Someone may be receiving a gift. Mom may be hiding the money for safekeeping and forgetting not only where it is but that she even hid it.

Whatever you give Mom you'll have to consider expendable. It may or may not get used by your mother. If she really can't be talked out of wanting cash, I'd limit it to a few one-dollar bills.
Most nursing homes have a system of keeping a petty cash account for residents, where you can put money in and they can spend a little on whatever comes around. Whether she could understand that, or accept a piece of paper with her account balance on it might make a difference. Would a PIN-protected gift card work for her? (only YOU know the PIN and give it to the seller by phone if she uses it?
It took my mother a long time to accept that she didn't need cash at the nursing home. "Let me go get my purse before we head to the dining room so I can pay for lunch." (My cousins tell me their moms were the same way.) We kept patiently explaining her account to her. Eventually she forgot about wanting her purse with her.

About the only things she does need "extra" are carry-in lunches once a month or so, a monthly trip to WalMart and her weekly hair appointments. All of these come out of her petty cash account. I'm not sure she quite gets that, but at least she accepts it now. We do give her cash periodically for a tip to the hairdresser, so she can feel good about that payment -- but it is not given days ahead of time!

The NH account has been explained to relatives so if they want to gift mom a hair styling or a WalMart outing they can deposit money in that account and write it in a card to Mom. This works out very well.

The transition period when they still think they need cash can be hard on everyone! I'd try to minimize the stress with very small amounts of cash for the wallet.
My mom says I am cheap want to save as much as possible do when she dies I will get it I give her money and she hides or looses it all the Tim we are missing 300.00 right now in the last 2 weeks and she wants to go and get 300.00 more tomorrow since she don't have any money I can't keep letting her Loose money she would not accept dollar bills she knows the difference
I think it is real mean and ugly to even mention the fact to a person about not having kids so they dont know how to care for anyone. What about first time parents. Some of the most loving folk I know dont have children. Well now to my whine moment. We had annual block party yesterday. My mother who is aging and has dementia is the president. Every year for the past maybe 20years. I cook clean, bbq, serve and then clean and then have to live with comments that I didnt do anything and so on. One year she gave my sister a certificate she sat on her but the whole time. This is hard work. Well last year I worked friday night into 7am sat. Cooked large pans of sides. Cleaned. My son who lived out of state bought all the meats and plates and cups n so forth.Again my sis did nothing but sit and look at me with distaste or whatever. My nephew didnt even show or contribute.This is every year. I was exhausted. I invited my prayer partner and his wife. Luckily he is a chef and stepped in by the time my son came with meats that had to be prepared. I grilled and of course made my special sauce. Everything went well I thought beside my noting my sis did nothing as ususal and where was nephew. Later my cousin told me how it was wrong to bring a man in my mothers house without asking her. This is what she told everyone and later me. As my son was bringing in bags my friend came and offered help. I know how tricky my mother is and made a point of getting her permission. of course I was a lie. and that what I do. So that was last straw for me. This friend stepped in and did a lot of work and enjoyed helping. His heart was so big he offered to come back the next year. He is the one who helped me thru prayer and patience deal with the situation with my mother so he knew situation. He and his wife are witness to the dynamics. But I was just done because there was a twist in the story like he and I had something going on. And me and my men. So this year I didnt invite anyone and I didnt wear myself out and guess what it was lovely. Of course I couldnt not do anything. I had to buy a new grill which was not as good as the two I had in basement that my nephew let men throw out. So I used that old thing and bought some burgers and franks when it looked as if no one was going to come thru. I asked my mother previously who was going to pick up food. She said my nephew s. One is a no show no care. Naturally I am not worthy to ask her questions so before it got ugly I left it alone. So on day of when she asked me to go pick up food I was like no way was I going to get drawn in. Thats why I got the burgers and franks. Anyway they went and ordered food. Of course this was a big deal to them and it was all my fault. I started to ask my nephew "dosent it feel good" to walk in bringing something to the table. And the whole day I notice my sister glancing at me. One time when I happened to look over she turned but my nephew was looking at her funny. Also my mother was meek and sweet until they showed up and started working then I became a liar Im always lying and how evil I was. I started to walk away but I had to turn back and tell her infont of nephew how she waits until they come arround and then Im a theif a muderer a liar and so forth. I have heard it so many times. My nephew is a first hand witness to how she trys to pit us against one another he has spoke to me about it in past. But somehow that is all out of the window. Im whining because no matter how well or better I think I handle it it hurts to see and feel the fruit of my mothers chaos. So I just happened to notice how she focused on me talking to men who were friends or neightbors so I wasnt surprised whens she knocked on my door around 2am and asked if I had someone in there. I just dont feel normal and mentally I can look and see the wrong but in real life I will never see justice or right in how I am perceived from my own mother or sister and it just does something to the spirit. My faith keeps me sometimes I feel like Im just hanging on a string when I get overwhelmed with the hatred and rejection. I wish we could be like the family in my head who support and love each other no matter what. Do my mother and sister ever look at their actions and be wrong. Then on leaving this afternoon to go to work I get " I know you took it, I know it was you" accused of taking money. How do your recover from constant blame and persecution and guilt for trying todeal with it? I also see the same spirit in others. Its so sad. Now I lhave to keep check on my mail cause I dont have direct deposit for paycheck or maybe I will find myself locked out, maybe my bathoil will be found in middle of tub spilled, the maybes are big and I think it is such a shame and sad that they truly exist for me and the evil the makes them possible. I just hope that some day some where in my life I will get the chance to experience real love and acceptance as a norm. This whine felt good going down. Thanks
DDDuck. How do you recover? You realize in your own head there is ZERO logic in any of this. If they really think you are such a bad person how is it that they leave you in charge? And there is no more sense to an unwritten "no talking to men" rule than there is to my mom's rule that you can't bring a box of Kleenex through the lobby. Yes, she was embarrassed the whole lobby could see I was bringing her a box a Kleenex. It makes no sense and you have no control over people deciding to think illogically and play scapegoat games to make themselves feel better about your doing what they are supposed to be doing, while deep down they know it. It's a load of heifer dust and you have a right to walk away from it. Love and acceptance are obviously elsewhere.
Good grief, Fromz, you cannot give her another $300.00 to lose. You can give her account statements and show here how much she has in the bank and if she has enough wits to realize that the amounts in there are real and do not have to be in her hand and you are not draining it out maybe you can win a round or two. See if she can keep the account statement, or watch where she puts it to hide it.
Vestefans that was a truly helpful perspective. I now realize how I am stuck on logic and have no understanding or recourse in dealing with zero logic. I so apreciate the helpful guidance and views. That would have taken a long time to figure. Now to process. Thanks
Ddd, I want to second what VS has told you. You are dealing with people who are not living in the same reality that the rest of us are. Be at peace with yourself when you walk away.

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