My moms showing sign of diminished mental capacity and now her husband admitted to stealing millions of dollars from her, but she seems unfazed.

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I am her daughter and I have suspected for years that my mom's husband has been stealing money from her. My mom received a large divorce settlement with a huge monthly income from properties she and my father own together. She has slowly given her husband control over her finances and in the past years she has not had any idea or even noticed that her money was being used inappropriately. I have lots of evidence that I have shown my mom and she always has a answer when she asks her husband about it. But last week he approached my brother with my mother standing right there and said "I think you need to turn myself into the Santa Barbara Sheriff's Dept. My brother asked "what for??" And he said "I've committed financial abuse crimes." So my brother asked him again with my mom right there...."so everything my sister said was true??" He said "yes, and probably more." On a side note, her husband took the office computer, the only one in the house and my mother NEVER uses it, to this sleazy attorney who has been friends with my mother's husband for at least 40 years. play a significant role in creating documents for mom to sign so her husband can get whatever he wants at that time. This lawyer claims he represents both my mom and her husband but I think this guy is up to his eyeballs in colluding with mom's husband. I have emails going back and forth between them that states how they are going to get my mom to purchase some raw land and then also get her to take on the entire down payment and a promissory note and personally guarantee it. This attorney has had meetings with my mom alone even after she got separate legal council. HE never notified or got permission from mom's attorney. He simply said to my mom that he' like to meet with her alone. But keeping her personal computer is unbelievable and makes this attorney look really bad.


So mom and my brother were trying figure this entire chaotic thing out in a number of minutes. But all of a sudden her husband changed his tune and said he needed to go to a hospital with a psych ward and check himself in. Of course, my brother and my mother drove him there and checked him in. He stays there right now.
The sticking point is that she won't file any charges against him. In fact, I had the Santa Barbara Deputy make a house call and talk to her. The Deputy was really a making. He drove right over there and spoke with my mother for almost a half an hour. Unfortunately he caught her early in the morning and that's her most lucid time. But she refused to sign the police report and pursue any further charges against her husband. The Deputy then told me and I'll never forget it, "you have a victim who won't admit she's a victim." So we are at another loss.


Earlier I brought up the fact that my mom's mental abilities are the best earlier in the day. When it's start to get to be around noon she slowly starts to fade. Then at 3 exactly she and her husband have happy hour. My mother is on a lot of medications and then mixes them with booze. This is an extremely dire situation and I can't get a compete list of her meds but even the ones I have are dangerous with alcohol. When she's in that condition she has no idea where she is, who's she with, etc. The she stumbles to her bed at 6 pm and tomorrow is another day of the same thing.


I think the worst of everything is that her husband has been telling my mom for years that I am the problem. I'm always stirring up trouble for him because I never liked him in the first place. (he's right on that) He's telling her that I'm an alcoholic and can't keep straight. There is NO evidence that shows he's done anything wrong at all. It always ends in spite of the evidence, that she loves him and doesn't want to be alone. He wins...again.


But now that he has admitted to stealing from her we all thought this would be the impetus for mom to get away from this guy. We were so optimistic. But each day she justifies and minimizes her husband's behavior. In fact, as soon as he is released she wants to bring him back home. My brother, my sis and i were completely floored. My mother also has 5 siblings and her three sisters have been actively involved in this backing me up and trying to talk mom into getting some independent legal advisor and protect herself now and in the future. This is imperative. The only other option I can think of is an involuntary conservatorship and I don't really want to go dawn that road....yet.
I'm also worried the he could have implicate my mom in some of his schemes. We found out he bought a boat with my mom's money but put it in her daughter's name. I intercepted emails where he is requesting Borrower's applications (Under my mom's name and through her email address.) I called the lenders and told them that it isn't my mom they are communicating with!!! They immediately put a halt on the loan. it happened a couple of other times with different lenders and I stopped it.

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Dear Writer,

I so very much understand your pain, as my father has been a victim of fraud and financial elder abuse by a Ghanaian woman 50 years younger whom he married in June 2017. The story of my father is nothing short of devestating and without going into the details, my brother and I have decided to pursue conservatorship. We exhausted all avenues: speaking to him and presenting concrete evidence this woman is scamming him, involving the authorities, family interventions, even hiring a private investigator.

I am willing to walk away from him and the entire situation but I also want to know I did what I could. I've let go of the outcome and whether we will be granted conservatorship or not. Though, I've decided the challenges and stress of conservatorship may be more bearable than the stress of feeling utterly helpless. There is a lot of relief in knowing it's a legal process in the hands of a judge and I can let go of trying to get him to see the obvious. It's absolutely maddening and he lacks all rational thought.

I'm under no delusions that conservatorship is guaranteed to stop the scamming but once money is unavailable, scammers have no interest in their victims.

Good luck and I've spent the past 8 months researching financial elderly abuse. If you have questions or want to vent, I'm happy to help.

-Connie
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Here's a rock. There's a hard place. You're right in between. And your Mother is the ostrich with her head in the sand nearby. She doesn't want anything to change. She's afraid that she might end up alone if she does what you tell her. She's more afraid of being alone than she is of bring broke. Work with these emotions.

Tell her what she wants to hear (that you accept her husband, or at least you won't demand he be kicked to the curb) while you get her to sign the papers to preserve whatever assets she has left. Get the remaining assets into a trust and assure her that the income from the trust will take care of the two of them. You said she has an attorney, so that's your first step. And as someone else said, get fraud alerts on her credit reports so that he can't get more debt in her name. After you stop the bleeding, then start the investigation as to where are the lost assets and can they be recovered. But don't count on it.

BTW, I went through this with my 88-year-old Aunt and her 70-something boyfriend. They had a great time until her money ran out. I never begrudged her having a good time with her boyfriend, I just wish we could have controlled the rate of expenditure so their good time lasted for her entire life.
Blessings,
Jamie
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Wow! I never expected to get the comments I did. Gives me exactly what I need for another push to help my poor mother. Yes...I agreed from the first time I heard....this "mental breakdown" was premeditated, planned and used to manipulate my poor mother into not pressing any charges because he's having a hard time in lockup. It's better than where he really should be and that's PRISON!!! Shame shame on him especially after my mom giving him a great life for 20 years. I AM OUTRAGED!!!!
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"you will just have to be there for your mom when it collapses." Maybe not, if she's legally competent. I wonder what will happen when your mother needs a lot of caregiving, and her husband has squandered her money (she's lost MILLIONS???)?

I hope you don't have to take her in and be her 24/7 caregiver...
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If you don't get conservatorship, the only other choice you have is to freeze Mom's credit with 3 reporting bureaus. And you have to have her agreement to do it. It's tragic. It's enabling. It's dangerous - and short of her being declared incompetent in court of law, you won't get anywhere until she has a medical episode. And unless someone else is declared power of attorney, as a spouse, the husband holds all the cards. Knowing the depth of problems, I wouldn't take power of attorney on in this situation - you know that money has been misused. You and siblings don't need the accusations to fly your way.
The psychiatric hospital is part of a ploy, I am sure, for future defense on wrong doing. But competent adults are free in our society and legal system to make really bad choices and you will just have to be there for your mom when it collapses. The law can't do anything for a victim that chooses to remain that way. I am so sorry for what you have gone through and what is yet to come.
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