Mom's getting worse and I need to talk to someone for help.

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Needing help info..or some one to talk to. Im so scrambled. Trying to figure out this tangle..Where to start..lol. I have been taking care of my mother since August 5th 2016. With no help from family members at all. They all are married..and dont do anything. My mother previous..stayed with one brother and his wife. Who from a neighbor at that time called me upset saying mom was being abused mentally,body and emotionally. She called the police and with a social worker made a ''Report'' on them. 3 Nights later they kicked her out of the house at 2am. My mother was in such a daze.. confused n hurt..that she didnt want to talk bout it. So one of my oldest brothers..in his rare kindness put mom and I together in a motel room. Before finding out bout mom being abused..I should of said I was in Tuscan Arizona just homeless, lost my job. The company moved to Canada. None knew this. But mom checked up on me..Paid for a greyhound bus for me to come back home.Not making rest of the family members happy bout it. Since taking care of mom..she has gotten healthy again.. Gained some weight. All her meds balanced etc. But for few months now has been having upset fits..crying..telling me Im taking her money..leaves the shower on for ''other'' peaple to use..leaves food out for them and some times in the parking lot of the motel. Talks to people that are not there. They telling her Im mean and going to hurt her. My oldest brother dosnt visit my mom..since she told him she is going to get married to a rich young man. Whos asked her to marry him in our kitchen.At this time..I just got her on medical and food stamps with her social security. Her docter last told me to be her paid caregiver. By going to In Home Support Services here in Ventura County. I have..her paperwork done but received a call back from them that they cant help her and I since we are dont own our home/rent place. She called it ''Tecnical Homeless''. Sigh.. We are getting help with Salvation Army to find a place. Hard part...moms getting worse. Is loud..paranoid n abusive..then gets sweet n kind..then goes off telling me stop leaching of her. Then screams there is lice in the motel crawling every where. I dont see them. Im to the point of so strained..lack of sleep. Dont know what to DO. Have severe tears in my eyes. She says for me to leave her alone..if I do..my whole family will drop her off at a resthome. Never to be heard of again.Nor would they care. With that I will be homeless again. Charlotte

3 Comments

You will be better off if you don't tie your future to your mother, seek some kind of employment and start the process to get a permanent address. Once you are in a better place financially you have more options.
It sounds like your mom has some kind of dementia or mental illness that needs 24/7 care and supervision and as much as you love her I'm not sure you are the best person to provide her care. Asking for help in finding her an appropriate placement is not the worst thing that can happen and it is not abandoning her, she may actually thrive with peer support, increased activity and medical supervision.
It sounds like she needs around the clock supervision. Being a full time paid caregiver is complicated and I would inquire advice from an attorney about how that could happen, responsibilities, duties, taxes, insurance, etc. There is much to consider and how would she pay you? I'd be careful to figure out a way to support yourself.

Has your mother been diagnosed as disabled with dementia? That might help her qualify for more benefits, including Memory Care in a facility or other services. I hope that you can find some assistance.
Charlotte, you must feel so worried and scared about what to do. Not only are you concerned about what will happen to your mom, but you don't know what will happen to you either. Both of you are in danger of losing a place to live, losing each other. You must have only written here because you were really upset and needed some ideas about what to do.

First, based on what you've written it sounds like your mom may have a type of dementia called FTD, Frontal Temporal Dementia. It may be another type, but based on your description of her symptoms, hallucinations, paranoia, sudden mood changes, it sounds like that may be the type she has. You might want to consider that the "abuse" she is now accusing you of, is the same type of thing she was experiencing when she was with your brother and sister in law; she wasn't really being mistreated by them, they were doing the best they could with her, but when they put her out at 2am they just couldn't do anymore caring for her, it had become too much to give all the care to her and have her accuse them of abusing her, so they just told her to go.

Being able to give care to a person who has such severe paranoia, delusions, mood swings, behavioral issues is very difficult and complex. Doing so in a motel is even more complicated, especially when she's accusing you of trying to harm her, abuse, and you're not in a stable setting where people know both of you and understand the situation so there's no fear of being reported to social services for elder abuse. The laws and rules about getting help and benefits aren't very forgiving. The doctor is right that you could get paid to give her in home care, but she would have to be qualified on MediCal, and would have to be in a "home", which apparently a motel doesn't qualify as being because of its temporary nature.

You both are in a fix. I think you might need to talk to an adult social services worker in Ventura County. If your mom is already qualified for MediCal, make an appointment to talk to her MediCal social worker; if not contact the MediCal social services office in Ventura County to talk to them about how to best make decisions to care for your mom and yourself in this situation. They need to first look at your mom's needs, than yours, for both housing and medical care. I suspect your mom needs to be on MediCal and in a skilled/Memory Care facility where they can professionally deal with her medical and mental issues with a staff of more than one person, you alone by yourself every day all day. They can make sure she has medical care, food, activities, and other people to interact with each day.

Then the social worker can help you figure out how to help yourself. You need a place to live, food, medical care, a job where you could possibly advance to caring for yourself and paying for your own place to live independently. You should have the opportunity to have a future of your own.

Changes are always difficult to face, and scary to consider. What your mom is experiencing is terribly uncontrollable and unfair, but it's going to happen no matter what you do. What is important is that you make sure she is cared for and that you have a plan for a future after she is no longer here. I know this is a lot to take in at once, but you asked for help. Please get help from some local social worker who can walk you through the process and give you some guidance. You may want to also contact the local Alzheimer's Association in Ventura County to see if they have a support group you can go to that can offer you help. I work with ones in my area in North Carolina, and the people in ours are very kind and willing to assist people like you with questions.

I do know what you are going through is difficult, scary and unfair. I wish things were easier for you, but with the right help and advice you can get through this difficult time. Please keep reaching out for help and looking for ways to care for yourself and your mom. You are doing the right things and are doing a good job caring for her. Deborah

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