I am my mom's caregiver and get no help from my sibling, even though she is my mom's favorite.

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I was happy to find this website. My husband and I live with my 97 year old Mom. She is quite healthy but has nearly no short term memory. It is very frustrating and I get no help from my sibling, even though she is the favorite! Nice to be able to come here and see others going thru the same thing or worse.

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Bless you, dear sister. She's reading, and praying for you. Thanks for your post on my wall. The LORD be with you today! Hugs!
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We cannot be responsible for what others think or feel or don't feel. We are responsible only for ourselves and what we do with the talents we have. I choose to use mine to the best of my ability and am pleased that God has given me so many. He finds me worthy and that satisfies me immensley. God will assist you in all endeavors so go to him. The world is not the same as Gods world and I choose His. God Bless you!
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I have found that the caregiver will sleep at night knowing that they have done all they could to make their loved ones lives better. I have also found that the sibling or family member who does nothing also sleeps well at night since it doesn't occur to them that they have been remiss in love and care. My brother doesn't even see that he is a jerk. He only sees that he is her son, and that is enough . To help isn't even a thought!
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I should add something to Carol's post. I "blew up" at my sister on one of her visits, while she helped herself to some furniture, and didn't help care for Mom or the impending move. It put us at odds, again, but didn't solve the problem, or so I thought. Since then, my sister reminds me she wants to help, but I won't let her.

We have differing values and perspectives, and as the elder, I have a tendency to "run" things. I am legally responsible for Mom and her estate, and need to stay in control so things run smoothly. My sister's ideas are much different than mine, and we don't always see eye to eye how things should go. I have been humbled (or convicted) that I need to be gentler in my response toward everyone, but still be a leader. What do you call a two-headed leader? A freak, or monster. So my people skills are being honed to handle things with more of God's grace, love and direction. And it is going better. Mom still complains, but things have smoothed considerable with my sister. I seek her input, and thank her when she offers help, no matter how small.

I am thankful that she wants to be involved in Mom and Dad's lives, and don't want to resent any good feelings they have toward her. That she is not more actively involved is both understandable, and forgivable. She has done some of the things I ask her to do, and very commendably, in very tough circumstances. We are all new at this Caregiving, and learning along the way. It is easy for no one. I'm grateful for any help my sister gives, and have chosen to take on the greater responsibility for myself. Since she is working full time out of state, and I'm a full-time Caregiver to Mom, I guard my heart from resentment against her. (Especially when I hear about her vacations, dinners out with friends, shopping sprees, etc.) For me, I've chosen to forgo those things to care for Mom's needs, even at the expense of mine. God rewards that, and someday I'll have no regrets. When my sister does visit, I've learned to enjoy what little time I have with her, and thank her that she participates. Even though I'm often tired, I'm also equally blessed. It's a win-win for all. And when the fatted calf comes out, I get a part of that, too. I am thankful that Mom loves my sister enough that she also rejoices when she is here, instead of complaining about all the times she's not. Not everyone is designed to lead, or has been gifted to handle things in the same fashion. It's best when we operate from our strengths, give grace to those who operate from their weaknesses, and foster love and growth. Again, prayer helps with all of this.
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One thing we must always remember, is that we are never alone. God is always there to walk beside us, and to guide us in all we do. I sometimes find the problem is with me, who often forgets to ask for his help. I have blundered through days, wondering why things aren't going well, frequently feeling frustrated or irritated, with my attitude and responses reflecting what I have allowed to fester inside me. Then my complaining grows, and compassion weakens. But when I stop to spend time with God, confessing my weakness and faults, and humble myself, asking for his help, I am always rewarded by a very loving, tender and gracious friend and comforter. We are never alone. God is always there to hear our prayer, and he has promised to never leave us. He never forces himself upon us, but waits until we come to him.

God gives strength to the weary, and is our present help in time of need. In every situation, he is ready, and more than able to guide us in the way we should go. Sometimes he sends encouragement through others, such as a helpful suggestion, listening ear, or hug from a friend.

This site has been such an encouragement along the way, and is one of the many gifts from God. We are only a prayer away from help at any moment. Know that many of the people reading these threads are praying for each other, and probably for you. May you all be blessed by that today!
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Yes, what you describe is more common than not. Sad but true. The elder gets so excited to see the adult child again, that nothing else stands in the way. Then they are so pumped, the caregiving sibling looks foolish because Mom or Dad is "just fine." The sound you hear is the caregiver banging his or her head on the wall!
Carol
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I am finding out that this is very common! My poor husband knocks himself out caring for my mother-in-law, and she totally takes it for granted. But when my "absentee" brother-in-law deigns to grace her with his presence on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving, she kills the fatted calf and puts on a party. It's frustrating, but I'm also finding out that dealing with elderly people is sometimes a lot like dealing with three year olds --- it's pointless to argue. Just do what you feel like you can do, get help where you can, and realize that what goes around comes around. God bless!
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Glad you are you too!!!!! Keep up the good work. You are a strong member of this little group and we need you too!
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Well I am glad perhaps she realized that you were the stronger of the two and didn't need her like he needs her and it came out in a different way. I've always known and my mom has always known I don't need anyone to take care of me I am a worker and have always been thats what my heritage is from my parents work work until you can't work any more on the other hand both of my parents always needed me more than I needed them and I never once said no to them I may have had to do things in a way they didn't like to get it done like pay the bill instead of handing over money that I knew would not be used for the particular issue and that would tick them off and they would haha disown me but when it's all boiled down look who is doing what for whom so I am satisfied with my decisions and what I do I don't always like it but it could be worse. My mother always makes excuses for the rest of them to and its always somebody elses fault their spouse etc. its just so laughable. but she is allowed to think what she wants I know better but she has to make herself feel better somehow and thats what she does she can't get along with anyone so they have all left her to her own devices and I pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I am not a whimp some think that forgiving is for whimps it's not believe me but I'm glad I am me.
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neon,
My mom has always made excuses for my brother. He never comes to see her unless he gets a free meal. So, after much discussion, she actually gave me money to save for a rainy day. Now, it doesn't seem like much, but it did say to me, I get it! You have gone above and beyond for me. She always loved me, but she always looked out for my brother. I was the one who could handle tough situations. I know that I cannot change her, but I did get some sort of validation. For now, it is enough.
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