Borderline mom with narcissism.

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After mom's fall last week she went back to her little part time job, nothing has changed she still goes to the store, works, and drives at 85!!! The CT scans were all normal...I live with her as I am a nurse and stood by her through her 15 or so operations including open heart surgery, emergency appendectomy, etc. Plus attending all the diabetic classes with her as well...and also took care of my dad til he passed on going on five years this March. Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia back in 2010 because she left a large sum of money at the bank and walked out...($11,000.00 !) So I took her to two different neurologists and this is what they found. I feel she was misdiagnosed as I did not see dementia at all (until now). She does have depression, though...But still functions pretty well.. Although, she did get lost twice going to a new Drs appointment as she did not want me to take her there. Before her fall she was starting to sundown and get really mean to me..So I mentioned it to her and she got angry. All I said was mom you're starting to get mean and I think you should know about it. Well she went into a tirade. She seems fine during the day, but when she comes home from her little job, she starts in the early evening getting agitated...Also if I am not paying attention to her she interrupts me and gets agitated if I'm busy at the moment. Kind of like a child would do...I did notice the other morning she used a lot of baby powder after her shower and then she asks me to hook her bra and I held my breath but had to run out of the room and told her I can't help her because of the powder and she yelled at me, wear a mask!! So I showed her how to turn her bra around and hook it then turn it around again she said she already knew how to do it (but wants me to get sick from breathing in the powder..I smelled it for the rest of the day..I think she goes in my room and I have to keep the door locked as I smelled powder in it...So, to make a long story short about three years ago I became sick with over active thyroid problems, (stress related) had the radioiodine treatment, etc., Also went down to 86 pounds but now I'm on thyroid meds and gained back 10 pounds so I plan on going back to work next week..(hopefully). Mom had supported me financially and I obtained food stamps to pitch in plus tried to work for about a year part time doing home health nursing visits until my boss started being a bully, (can't seem to get away from it!!) so I left and worked somewhere else part time until I decided to take it easy for a while and try and gain my health back..the other day mom said don't go to the doctors anymore!; And give me the phone!! (Which is mine that I paid for) Anyway, mom complained tonight that I didn't want to work all these years (when I show her my resume she says do I have to hear about this now??!) and that I make her go to work at age 85 and how she wants nothing more to do with me, and she's cutting me off completely...(which I'm not surprised as sis is her favorite)..So what started her raging tonight was the fact that I had asked for two dollars to order a pizza. Well this pizza thing has been going on for about a month..mention pizza and she goes bonkers gets angry, yells, and so forth..It's like I can't mention it..Finally I had Also the alarm contract she signed 4 1/2 years ago..She agreed to pay 50 dollars a month now whenever she sees the bank statement she looks at it and looks for the 50 dollar payment and then calls up the alarm company and yells at them..Telling them they can't take money out of her account each month and how she can't afford it, etc..They tell her she signed a contract and she still won't pay them..She only has six more months to the contract and the system is paid in full...So, atop of that I am having the Dr check her for a urinary tract infection. The girl at the Drs office told me if you were that concerned you should have came with her..I said she doesn't want me there..Also mom went in put on an act and never told the doctor that she fell....So there you have it...I'm the bad guy after helping her out all these years...Go figure!! Well, I just though I'd vent here and maybe try to let others know they aren't alone I hope no one is going through this bad a time but I would like to know if they have and how do they handle it...She always said she wants to see me with nothing and I pretty much am penniless with a ton of medical bills from stress related illnesses and bad credit (could never be well enough to work full time and stay out of her house...) Been in and out of therapy but hopefully this job will pan out where I can maybe move out and have my own place for a change...It may take a while, however I got to get strong and have been trying to slowly gain more weight to stay healthy...Maybe I can work for a while and save money but when it's all going to be thrown away on rent, I don't know. I pray for good health everyday..Thanks for read


Seems more like she is the one taking care of you. Hope you get well soon.
I'm not clear of what you are saying. From the description of her actions and words, it could be that she has issue with you not being able to work. Some might consider that a valid concern. Or, she could be progressing with AD. If you continue to be ill, I'd try to make some long range plans so someone who is able to care for her can be lined up for when the time comes. Caring for a person with advanced dementia is not feasible for a disabled person. I hope you get better.  You might check on disability benefits for yourself. 
Thanks but I'm already better lab results normal and starting back working in three days so its all good.
That's great. Good luck with that!
Thanks so much for your support!
TW. You sound quite cynical when speaking of mom and her "little job". There must be other issues as well and I would be looking for another place to live. It sounds as if you are both miserable. Great, you are going back to work, that may help your relationship with your mom.
Tumbleweed I am sorry for your current situation and that your Mom has started being so mean to you.
My comment is that people with dementia have very short memories and she probably felt entitled to your help with all her illnesses in the past as you are her daughter and living with her. People who are not nurses do not realize how draining a job that is.
Now she sees in the present that you are not working but she is at 85 no less and paying all the bills. Again she feels entitled to have all her needs met and at once not when you have finished what you are doing.
Now throw in the advancing dementia and you have a perfect storm. You have both had it and are totally miserable which is perfectly understandable. You have to move on because it is her house and she feels competent to manage on her own and clearly can afford to. Of course continue to get your necessary medical care and work on your health but at the same time make plans to move out. I know rent and living expenses are very high but as an experienced nurse you should be able to command a good salary when you are up to full time work. I don't know what your specialty is but I would suggest working in a less stressful area than on a med/surge unit. For example the larger hospitals have an RN that just does the IVs. She goes round each day checks each patient and puts up new ones every 48 hours. I have also seen then in the pre-op area going from cubicle to cubicle starting the IVs, or you could continue in home care if you enjoyed that work.
You are the only one who can change things.
Getting your career back on track is great idea. If you stay out of the job market, then you can't build your own retirement benefits. But, I would consider how leaving your mom alone is going to work, since her dementia will be progressing. Depending on her assets, I'd seek advice on planning for her long term care. Does she have LTC insurance? Does she rent or own her home? After you have available funds, I'd explore options for her care, especially if she will qualify for Medicaid long term care.

Are you the Durable POA and HCPOA?
Hi all and a thanks so much for the extra support. Yes I have already spoken to a realtor about moving and also my job is full time doing home care pediatrics. I am only an Lpn with just a year to go left in RN school, but chose not to finish as I'd have to live with mom longer. Dad left mom pretty well off, and made sure everything was in place so I do believe she has the LTC insurance as well. She says verbally I have permission to make medical decisions for her, but she only gets angry with me when I do because she does not want to be told what to do. So I just point out the pros and cons of each decision but tell her it's ultimately up to her (about trips to hospital after a fall, etc.). So we worked it out that way. I helped her get a better medical insurance plan so I feel pretty good about that. Things are much more peaceful around here the past couple of days..she's gone back to weekly mass this is her second week...I generally am a pretty happy person but when I get yelled at (more like screamed at) on a daily basis, I start to get very depressed. Because I don't know the triggers or even how to stop it. So I blame myself. But if mom keeps going to church every week, maybe that with God's peace she will not be so out of control. Yes I wish I could be an RN but every time I try at it something happens and I either have to quit and go back to work or my health gives me a problem. A friend who left the profession knows the stress I am under with mom and told me not to do it as I would get ill from the extra. Stress. So this time I'm listening..but I don't feel with just working as an lpn it will be enough. At 60, I'm not happy about the thought of working a second job, but unfortunately that may have to be the case...Mom will be just fine and I will check on her periodically but she does not want anyone to come into her house and be a caregiver to her down the road. We already discussed it. So seeing as how she's made up her mind at the present time, my hands are tied. All she does is call my younger sister who never calls her back. I think she may call her once a month but that's about it and if she's out driving she tells mom where she is but that she won't be able to come by as she doesn't have the time, the gas, etc., and so on. So then it gets taken out on me (moms frustrations with sis). She only lives one town over but is just too busy to bother with mom unless it's her birthday, or the holidays. Then she sends a card and a gift and stops by. But that's about it. So, in a nutshell, I'm just trying to keep moving forward while keeping a positive attitude. I'm thinking, well, I 'lol do as much for mom as I can but she wants money. But she doesn't need it! She just wants more and more. She doesn't have to work but she was getting bored at home and I think it's healthier for her to be with people during the day. So, I'm just learning to take one day at a time, keep my distance, and let her do what she's going to do. Thanks for letting me vent and for taking the time out of your busy days to respond -it means a lot. I am able to sort things out and don't feel so shaken up!!!

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