My 93-year-old mom with dementia is very aggressive with me.

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I have vented about this before. I am the primary caregiver as I live in the same house as mom. These outbursts of rage at any given time, for no rhyme or reason are coming more frequently along with her hitting and now pulling my hair. My much younger sister who lives about 10 minutes away and visits when it is convenient for her does not want me to ask my mother's doctor for medication to calm my mother down. She doesn't live with this I do.


Your mom's behavior is not unusual - she has dementia and it is not your fault but why do you care what your sister thinks if she's not involved in mom's care?
Your Mom needs medication.

You must take step immediately before the violence escalates.
As the poster above says....sister doesn't get a say in this. Sister isn't the are.
Sis doesn't get a vote.

If this escalates, the next step is having mom taken to an inpatient psychiatric unit where they can stabilize her behavioral meds.

Your sister maybe the unsophisticated sort who hears ""meds" and thinks " they want to drug my mom into submission".

The right combination of meds will allow her to remain happy and calm at home without whatever delusions and agitation she is currently experiencing.
I heartily second all of the above. Who even asked your sister for her two penn'orth? You might as well consult the cat or a passing bus driver.

Is deferring to your sister's opinion a habit you could do with breaking, do you think?
Simplifying: 1) As caregiver, you report Mom's behaviors and symptoms to her doctor.
You are not responsible for asking the doctor for meds, or even convincing sister (or sharing Mom's symptoms) with sister, imo. I could be wrong.
2) Mom's doctor treats Mom, in her best interests. The recommended treatment is for her.
If Mom needs medicine, it is not to benefit you at your request; and definitely not to please sister's ideas of no medicine is best. What is sister thinking, anyway?
You are not responsible for convincing sister. Only responsible for getting Mom care. And if you need confirmation that it is the best for Mom, get a second opinion.
My concern is for your safety, and Mom's. If she is hurting you, that is not okay. So go to the doctor before 911 comes out and takes her away for her own protection and yours.
So sorry you are going through this with your Mom, and sister is making it worse.
Thank you all for your answers. The situation is like this.......I have lived with my mother in her house for the past 34 years. It started 6 years after my divorce. For financial reasons me and my two young daughters had to move in with her. I have my own private section of the house. I have paid her rent for all those years. 25 years ago I remarried and he moved in with me. My kids were grown and out. We both worked and I ended up giving her more money for rent every month. As time passed, she was getting older and even though I could very much afford to move out, I stayed because she was getting older and I didn't want her to live alone.. My siblings had lives of their own. They used to tell me that they were glad that I stayed there so that they could rest easy that she wasn't alone. My husband is now a 3 time cancer survivor and is retired. As of January of this year, It became more and more apparent that mom could not be left alone all day while I worked. So my brother and sister made me an offer that they would pay me out of my mother's money to quit my job and stay home and be caregiver to her. So I guess that they feel that they are "paying"me to be the caregiver. Not that the money is coming out of their pockets. I am working for my inheritance. I am the oldest sibling and they are the most condescending people I know. They also can't face the fact that mom has dementia and are very much in denial. So I think that is why they think I may be making more of this than it is.
Who has POA? Anyone? Does Mom have an official diagnosis? I agree with everyone else, your job is to do what is best for mom. I am also a person that doesn't want to over medicate so I was a bit hesitant to tell neurologist that her behaviors had escalated. I guess I didn't want to just give her meds to make my life easier. Then my daughter, who is a nutritionist in a nursing home, pointed out that it is distressing for mom when she is that agitated. I hadn't thought of it that way. Now she takes Seroquel and is so much more comfortable. She is not "drugged" and is better able to communicate her needs. I also read and watched videos by Teepa Snow and Naomi Feil. Implementing their strategies also helped quite a bit. I looked for triggers to her behaviors (yes they are there if you pay close attention and keep a diary) and eliminated the ones I had control over. Caregiving is such a juggling act 😇
Your mum is ill and needs treatment for that illness. Has she been diagnosed with dementia? If not, she needs a diagnosis and appropriate treatment which will help her behaviour. Tell her doc about what is happening. I hope you have the offer from your sibs in writing and notarized at least. Does anyone have POA financial and health? Your mum needs someone to officially take over care for her now. A diagnosis from a professional person in writing might help to get your sibs out of denial. In any case, inform her doctor. It must be very uncomfortable having your sibs holding this inheritance over your head.
My mom sees a geriatric doctor and was diagnosed with moderate dementia. My brother who is a CPA has POA. I am calling her doctor tomorrow morning to tell him about her behavior. Hopefully, he will give her something to calm this down. She has been doing this rage thing for a while and I noticed it was only on Thursdays. Why I don't know. I have tried to see a pattern or something that triggers this, but to no avail. This week she did it on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I have been walking on eggs and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I call tomorrow for sure!!
Make sure you have her checked for a UTI. As you probably know a UTI can cause horrible behavior.

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