Mom washes her hands of Dad. Can't be bothered.

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My mother is physically and mentally able to care for my father, who has no other issues than dementia and a bad attitude, but she, also with a lifelong bad attitude, can't be bothered. I am made out to be the 'ungrateful' daughter because I won't 'step up' every time she wants to do her own thing, which is quite often.

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Well, an update. Since my mother would rather have my father 'go away' so she could do her own thing, allowing him to drive, sure enough, he wrecked. Mind you, their story was that he drove into a ditch and was not hurt, but STILL. He agreed to surrender his license and not drive anymore, and will sell the truck.

In the meantime, I could tell stories all day long about her attitude, but things have accelerated for sure. I brought a shower chair over for him to use, so he won't have to stand in the shower. The very next day, she called to say he wasn't going to use it. No, the problem is, she won't HELP him use it. She just tells him to go take a shower, and won't help. He was cutting his face up by shaving himself, and all she did was complain about it. Turns out, he wasn't using shaving cream, which she would have known if she took to the time out of her busy schedule to supervise him.

She also told me that she will be closing out their safety deposit box, I am listed as an authorized person, but have never been in the box. She informed me that she will need her key back. I find this highly suspicious. My parents are not rich, but I know that my father's SS and retirement brings in more than myself and my husband bring in each month, and that doesn't count her SS and such. I don't understand how she is so tight with money when it comes to things HE needs, but when SHE wants something, it is HER money, or so she says.

Anyways, I'm just updating my complaints. She actually went to his last veteran's appointment, and is going to be approved for respite care and such, so I'm sure she was walking on clouds to know that she can continue her carefree lollygagging about town as she pleases. She told them about all of her trips here and there, and the clerk told her it was illegal to leave him home alone. Thank goodness someone told her besides me. He is like a child. Why would you leave a child home alone?

Anyhow. I apologize for not updating. I had lost my password and kept requesting it, but never received an email. I tried one last password, and presto, it worked.

My apologies for any issues with spelling and grammar, I'm just pounding this out to get it off my chest. Phew. Sigh. I feel better! Thanks for listening!

I was writing to my brothers about her behavior, but they don't even respond, so I stopped letting them know what was going on. Besides, they get her version on the telephone anyways.
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They choose to move close to you, you did not invite them. As your mother is still competent she is responsible for herself and her husband.. Make a list of what you will and will not do to help them, which at this point does not need to be much at this time as she is perfectly capable. As they are your parents you may feel you would like to help them in some way. If she has the money for all kinds of trips and hobbies she can pay for such things as lawn care and house cleaning etc. It would not be unreasonable to take your Dad to the ocassional appointment and have them over for Sunday dinner maybe once a month or less often. If they turn up uninvited at the weekend go to the door in your nightclothes and just open the door on the chain so she can't push her way in. Say "Sorry Mom we are still in bed and don't want visitors right now" Tell her hubby is waiting for you to go back and firmly shut the door. Keep the door shut and locked all the time and just don't answer it, disable the bell if you have to and unplug the phone. Do not respond to stupid requests like bringing them a milkshake. If they truly need help grocery shopping it is done once a week at your convenience. Both of them are going to be unpleasant to you whatever you do so try and just ignore them. I had to do the same with my mother. She came once a week for the day and that was it. Sounds hard and it is but protect yourself and your hubby.
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Well, to continue my saga...just to get this off my chest.

My mother ended up going to the quilt show, but when it came time to tell me about it, she had to throw in (with an exasperated sigh and dramatic flair) that she couldn't have lunch, and couldn't go anywhere else, because she HAD to get back home.

Meantime, my father is calling me every hour. I did not answer the first call, and went grocery shopping. He called to ask where I was, because he was at my house, and I was not home. Then he drove to town to my husband's place of employment, then called me a few more times, making excuses such as having to bring me something.
Obviously, my mother did not take the keys away from him.

Every single Sunday, they come to our house, no matter what we say. The Friday prior, I said that we would not be home. She said "Well, you can let me know." Let you know what? I just did. We will not be home. Sure enough, Sunday morning, the phone is ringing. I did not answer, and we had a day to ourselves.

Monday morning, I called to check on them. She said she's lost all drive, doesn't want to do anything, and she is just going to give up on everything. I said that I had some things to do, and that I would be over later. She just sent a text message asking if I would stop on my way to get a milkshake for them. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with her driving, or her vehicle, and it would be good for them to get out of the house, not to mention the ice cream shop is not on the way, but the complete opposite direction of their house.

I really don't want to go over there. My mind has really been thinking too hard about all of this unnecessary drama. If they called when they truly needed something, it would be a different story, but they have overstayed and overused their welcome so many times for trivial nonsense, that it has now reached the annoying stage. I don't want to be the person who ignores the phone calls, but they will not take my answer as my answer. Not now. Not coming. Not visiting today. Period. Don't try to work around me. Give me some time to actually miss you!

I remember my mother pointing out an independent living center near hear a few years ago, saying "Oh, that is where I want to live!" Does she think I can pull money out of my hat and pay for it, because she sure can't. Mind you, we are living on a very strict budget. We don't even have excess funds for our own basic home repair needs, so...

I keep thinking about something else she said a while back, that she has two life insurance policies on my father. Needless to say, the wheels are turning, and they are not rolling smoothly. All this talk about lovely retirement homes and cruises and such, I just wonder.

No replies needed, I just wanted to air my head out. Sigh.
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You're not a wuss - they pull you in in baby steps, then when you look at it in total, you go "how did we allow this to happen". It's because you're always in reactive mode, putting out fires, doing it "just this one time" - it's incremental.

Get a list together of reliable resources - AAA, auto mechanic, handyman, appliance repair, plumber, yard guy, electrician, a good adult daycare for Dad. When my sister stopped doing yard work, my mom hired someone for summer and a snow removal person for the winter.
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Wow. I really wish I had found this forum sooner. Earlier today, I was in absolute tears, fed up with everything. I realize I've given the impression that I am a wuss, and perhaps to some extent, I am, which is how I ended up in this position. My parents have inserted themselves into our daily lives and on our weekends to the point that we find ourselves making up excuses to not be home. They have actually just showed up at our house, then called us on the cell phone, upset because we weren't home. Last week, they just walked in the door, no knock, nothing. The big issue? They needed their lawn mowed, and since he doesn't have a clue anymore, it was up to her. What did she do? Try? No. She came to get me to do it, since SHE doesn't mow yards. SHE doesn't pump gas. SHE doesn't do any of that 'man' stuff. I suggested a lawn care service, to which she scoffed. How dare I suggest she spend any of her craft money on something like that. I drove to their house, fixed their tires, set them up, and showed her how to do it. Period.

I've been sending my brothers email messages that highlight all of their recent antics. Neither has replied. I told them that I didn't expect them to do anything, but to at least hear me out and be aware of what is going on. They are both snowed by my mother, who has them under the impression that my father is nothing but a class A you-know-what. Marriage is a two-way street. I would probably not be a good husband if my wife constantly muttered under her breath, calling names like jerk, idiot, stupid, and a few choice words. I know he hears her.

Anyways. I could write a book, couldn't we all, but I really appreciate having a place to let this all out. The best part is that many of you have had, or are having similar issues, and can relate. Thank you for being here!

:-) I'm sure I'll have more exciting stories to share. Soon. Ha!
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mariee, reading your post and comments transported me to 1990 and my own parents. Dad had just been diagnosed with Alz, he was still driving (because Mom wasn't going to give up the social whirl). We forced the non-driving by contacting his neurologist and requesting that he once again, in the presence of my sister and my mom, tell Dad he was no longer able to drive. We then told Mom that if he were to continue and get into an accident, they could be sued and lose everything. From then on, her attitude has been "you have to fill in for whatever we want and need since you made this happen". That meant running over at the drop of the hat for “emergencies”, doing house work because she wouldn’t have strangers there, etc. Everything got dumped on us girls by default, because either Mom wouldn’t or didn’t. We had to force her to an elder care attorney to get things in order. When Dad started panicking being home alone while Mom went out, my sister set him up with adult daycare – he was safe and calm and Mom could go do her thing.
It was a rough 3 years before he was moved to NH (wish they'd had memory care places back then).
We're now 25 years later, Dad has passed. We both have known about caregiving our own husbands and now have adult kids. So we have a reference to how adult kids should be treated and how to care for an ill spouse. The greatest cause of our physical ailments and mental angst is still our mom, who still expects us to do whatever it takes to make her happy every moment of every day.
My suggestion to you is put on your armadillo skin because you're going to take some hits. The more you say no, the bigger the ammo they'll use and the longer the barrage. Ignore relatives and friends - mine are quick to talk but never even took my folks a casserole. Sibs are free to help or not, but they are not allowed to force you to do that which they themselves aren't doing.
The parents will not change, they will not become warm and fuzzy and please start really accepting that they may not be real concerned about you and your wellbeing.
Your mom is his wife, it's her job to care for him, take him to the doctors. Yes, it’s lousy hand they’ve been dealt in their golden years. But it’s their hand to manage. Don't get sucked into the vortex because you're in town or because you're the daughter and the assumed caregiver.
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Mariee, I have news for you. You are under no obligation to care for your parents. They promised each other to love and care for, etc., etc. Not you.

Your mom sounds like a pretty narcissistic type, of the sort represented by Maisie bird in Horton Hatches an Egg, by Dr. Seuss. Suggest that she hire a driver to take your father places. Adult day care as a place for him to go. Mention to her that their car insurance rates are gonna be sky high after the crash, and that they may lose their house in the bargain.

It sounds as though you might benefit from finding a therapist who could work with you on setting realistic boundaries. Good luck to you.
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Hugs, Mariee!! Yikes, what a handful. Now's the time to draw the line, and let them figure things out for themselves. Let your siblings participate, or not. There are lots of us here who have dysfunctional, personality-disordered parents and family. Learning to set and maintain boundaries is the only thing that will keep you sane and happy. If you aren't available, they'll sink or swim -- and I'm guessing your mother's resourceful enough to figure things out.
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Jeanne, many thanks. I was just thinking about something earlier. The past two days, I've driven my father (the first day, my mother was with us, complaining every step of the way) to a denturist. This morning, he called me to say the teeth were horrible, simply wouldn't do, refused to tell me exactly why they were 'horrible', and then said "I'm sorry I bothered you!" in a sarcastic tone. I told him to put the new teeth into water, put his old ones back in, and tell mother to make another appointment. I know darned well she is going to pull the "But I don't know
how to get there" bit, when they have two GPS units. She can figure out how to download music on the internet, is computer savvy, has a cell phone, lap top AND a tablet, so there is no excuse other than she cannot be bothered with him. She can darn sure figure out how to get to the craft store, the antique store, craft shows, and such, even in other states.

Here is what is going to happen. (At this point, I'm just crying on your shoulder, and not really looking for answers, just an outlet.) She wants to go to a quilt show on Friday. I want to go to an estate sale the complete other direction. He will throw a fit about his teeth needing to be fixed right this instant, so she will likely take him, though she previously acted as though she couldn't possibly figure out how to drive 40 miles to the denturist, and then tell my brothers that I couldn't be bothered to help because I was going to a sale, and that she had to cancel all of her plans to tend to him. She can do it, but has ammunition ready to fire with how I'm not willing to help, so she HAD to take him herself.

It is irritating in advance because I know how she works. I've already told her to take the keys away from him, but I don't think she will do that. All too recently, she said that he had been getting up and driving to town at three in the morning. Did she go look for him? No. Did she call the police? No. Did she go to the convenience store to tell the clerk to call her or the police if he showed up? No. Did she take the keys away? No.

My husband is significantly older than I am, and I not only feel the love for him to care for him, but can't imagine leaving him home alone to go to pottery class, go shopping, whatever I pleased. I would never allow him to drive if I knew he couldn't figure out how to put gas in the car! (Example of my father)

Being with these two is no picnic. They have always been negative people, and I'm more the flower-child, let's all plant trees together, middle child, only daughter, so my response is to keep it all bottled up, and then one day after I've been with them all day long, pull over to the side of the road when I am alone, and cry my guts out, head home, wash my face, and try not to pour it all over my husband when he gets home from work.

No response needed, it just feels great to get that all out. Sigh.
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Hi LooLoo, thank you. Definitely not downplaying my father's condition, I just meant that as a way to establish that she is not having to feed him, bathe and clothe him, or tend to medical issues. Many thanks. :-)
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