My Mom told my husband,"I don't know how you can take her"! Now I need to vent.

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As I've gotten older I developed some food sensitivities. I never ask for special food , I just eat what I can. Plus I watch my weight so I don't eat dessert unless it's a special occasion. I may just eat the peaches on the pie and leave the crust, as example. We went out for my husband's birthday with my mom and my sister and her husband. We went to Olive Garden and when they brought the salad the waitress asked if everyone wanted cheese. I said not me- let me get my salad and then you can add all the cheese they want ( dairy now does a number on me) . After the waitress left my mom said " I don't know how you can take her sometimes. " can you imagine a mom saying that about her own child in front of others . What a cow! I don't know why I let this bother me so much, I'm 58 and try not to play her games but this one came out of nowhere. Maybe she's still upset that I didn't have her gross jello glop at Easter. Shes 85 and healthy as can be. The women in her family live to be over 100. How will I endure this. She's always been like this but now she's finally showing it in public. My husband said it took all his strength to resist telling her how easy going I am and my dad told him on his death bed over and over how he never could please my mom no matter how hard he tried. " you just don't know what you're dealing with with her" about my mom. My poor dad. It's taken two years for me to deal with how controlling she was with my dad as he lay dying. Just as I'm finally getting over it she pulls this.


Sorrynotsorry, just curious if your Mom is the person in your profile that has Alzheimer's/dementia? If yes, please note that is a common phase for some people with memory issues. The way to overlook it, if you can, is to keep telling yourself it is the dementia doing the talking, not your Mom.

My Mom also ruled the roost at their house, but I think she had to, otherwise Dad would be clueless about life in general. Mom always steered him into the right direction.
I hope you won't be responsible for taking care of her as she further ages! What are the plans for that eventuality -- does she have LTC insurance? Does she have plenty of money to hire help as she needs it?
It's great to vent, but it does bother me that you had your feelings hurt for no reason. Nice people shouldn't have that happen to them, but I do hope that it will help to remember, as others stated above, that it's not your mom being mean. It's her condition talking.

You say that your mom has dementia, so, I wouldn't hold that against her. Even if she has always been short and critical, I would chalk it up to the illness and disregard. I know it's difficult, but sometimes this disease causes people to say all kinds of things.

In her earlier stage, my cousin would accuse me of leaving grease on her counter tops. I didn't. She thought I was not doing this or that correctly. I was. She was just plain mean and hateful. It did hurt my feelings until we figured it out. She did progress out of that stage though and now doesn't say much at all, but what she does say is pleasant.

Although, her physical health is good, it might not continue with the dementia. It's hard to say, but I might explore options for her care, if you are prone to being hurt by her words. That's not a good way to live. I wish you all the best.
Sorrynotsorry, yes I can imagine that very well! That is just the kind of thing my mother would say about me. My mother has dementia, but she can still push my buttons. We recently took her to my in-laws' (with whom I have a strained relationship) and she was quite rude to me - pushing me away whenever I tried to help her, and snapping at me when I gently corrected her at some point (she was confused about one of my nephews, and the conversation became awkward). I take it as a positive sign that she is sufficiently healthy and aware to get mad at me, but it sure hurts.
It's great that your husband is standing up for you. Please vent as much as you need to and take care of yourself.
My mom is healthy and clearer minded than me! She is as sharp as a tack. It's my mother in law that has Alzheimer's. My mom is just fine.
Sorry, your mom is NOT fine. Your mom has a personality disorder. Or no manners. Or both. Oh, and maybe some cognitive decline thrown in.

In any event, make d @mn sure that no one, yourself included, expects you to put up with this long term...make visits short and sweet and arrange for others to do hands on care.
She's not going to change so you change how you deal with it. It would've be fine, IMHO, for your husband to have said that you're easy going. I've found with sharp tongued people, elderly or not, that if you let it go without mention, they just keep on and sometimes get worse. A simple statement "well actually...." often stops their zings.

Also, sometimes people regard dietary restrictions as so much nonsense and will make snippy comments.
Sorrynotsorry - I wish I could help you, but unfortunately this is an area that I fail miserably at. My mother has always - ummm... had a way with words. Mom is also a master manipulator. I don't think my mother will live too much long - and I have become determined to forgive her before she goes. But God help me - I'm failing. The problem is every time I visit with her she says some horrible thing or attempts some manipulation and all my anger comes back. Yes, my mom has dementia- but she didn't always. So Sorrynotsorry- if it helps at all, I know how you feel. You are not alone - and, none of it is deserved or your fault.
The little snippy remarks can be irritating. I've learned to just ignore them and look around the room. It really doesn't matter, anyhow. It used to matter to me, but one day most things said were like wind blowing. It isn't a good way to feel, to tell the truth, but it's better than feeling anger or trying to justify myself. My mother DOES have dementia, though it is not the disease saying the snippish things. It's the old her.

It does bother me when she talks about other people in public. That is the dementia talking. I'm concerned it will hurt someone's feelings or get us in trouble. She thinks nothing of saying someone is fat or talking about race things around people who could be offended. If anyone hears of me being beat up one day, you'll know what happened. Hate it when she does that!
Thanks y'all.

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