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I know I'll get over it, but I'm still in a daze because we didn't even have time to discuss it. My husband finally convinced MIL to let him change her doctor to his (who is also mine) and called yesterday at 3:30 pm to tell me that he (Dr. Arrick) had agreed to take her as a patient, but that he wanted her admitted to Heartland Nursing Home immediately. The ambulance was on it's way to pick her up as we spoke.

She is settled in at the Nursing Home now and it's like when our kids grew up and moved out. The house is quiet and empty. I wanted it this way but I didn't expect it to be sudden. I thought we would plan it ourselves. It was nice we didn't have to search for a good Nursing Home, though. Heartland gets good reports from everyone we've spoken to, especially doctors.


I told him that he should be the one to tell her so I took the phone to her bedroom and let him talk to her. I didn't listen to their conversation and don't know what was said except she kept asking "Are they coming to get me today?" She repeated that 4 times.

When I told Nancy, my helper, that she was going to be sent to a Nursing Home right away, her only comment was "WelI, guess I'm out of a job now!" She didn't have a concern that maybe it was a good think. MIL's health was declining rapidly and she needed better care than we can give her at home anymore. This our doctor can see and it was time to make this move.

She is settled in at the Nursing Home now and it's like when our kids grew up and moved out. The house is quiet and empty. I wanted it this way but I didn't expect it to be sudden. I thought we would plan it ourselves. It was nice we didn't have to search for a good Nursing Home, though. Heartland gets good reports from everyone we've spoken to, especially doctors.

I thought I would jump back into "my life" just like it was, but there is no "my life" just like it was anymore. I am older and things have changed in 2 1/2 years. I can now pay attention to me, though, and get the medical attention I need and not post-pone it. I can go to my grandkids soccer games and school programs or just sit out in the yard swing, and I can speak to my neighbors when I see them outside (if I can remember their names :0)

I asked my husband if this was permanent and he said "we will see". Since my doctor is his doctor and her doctor now, too, I will put a bug in his ear to tell my husband to keep her there. He knows how this has been affecting me. He asks me about it every visit I go to.

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Funnier, I haven't seen any posts from you lately, are you doing okay?? Anything new with MIL?? JAD711
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Judy, he wasn't all that sick. it was a mild hangover at the most. he is just a lousy pussified baby. kind of guy who moans over a hangnail.
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i was so completely miserable that i had come to the conclusion that if the Veteran's Administration did not answer my PTSD claim with a resounding YES and give me the money i deserved, that i would pack up all my camping equipment and just leave home and camp on the streets and live on my measly 10%, (for seizure disorder), VA money, a whopping $117 at the time i think.

while my husband's social security lump sum had paid for the down payment on the truck, for years it was my money that paid the monthly payments, and because he was too much of a pussy to shop for a truck, i was the one who did so and i bought it and my name is on the pink slip! so i figured the truck would just come with me and F him!

no, he never hit me, (sometimes i wish he had), but 28 years of drug and alcohol abuse, 28 years of me picking up his slack, 28 years of me making ends meet and making sure our kids had food/shelter/clothing and maybe not things but experiences. i was well done over a decade ago. plus, he knew that i was going through the worst PTSD relapse of my entire life, (for multiple rapes), and not once, but TWICE i woke up with his hands in my pajama bottoms groping me!

no man will ever treat me like that again.

i can live on next to nothing if i have to if it means that i have peace and joy in my life.

fortunately the VA gave me my disability rating, i have excellent doctors who totally went to bat for me. i have never been happier in my life outside of the births of my babies.

funnier, do not listen to any naysaying lawyers, you find a lawyer who believes you and will fight for you!
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Funnier: Have you ever checked into low-income senior housing? I don't know where you are or what is available, but it's worth looking into. If you found something nice, you could even put your name on a waiting list (if there was one). I know how you feel about your animals. They are hard to part with and if you love them, it's a big loss. There are animal rescue groups who foster dogs in their homes and find them permanent family homes.

You mentioned you have SS. Are you are medicare also?

Just some thoughts.

Cattails
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PS Funnier--your husband is forcing you into this because he is confident you have NO choices. There has to be a way. We'll figure it out.
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Emjo--yes, we are in sync here. Besides, if you are nearly destitute with nothing of your own, aren't there resources out there? Or do you have to be physically beaten to get out of a situation? I don't like to see women caught in a stranglehold by men who are holding their paychecks over their wives' heads. Someone out there--any suggestions? I think this woman has a right to a life of her own, without being held prisoner and taking care of someone who is not even a relative, and to whom she owes NOTHING. Funnier, do you have a relative in whom you can confide? I guess I am a person who just won't accept things 'as they are' without giving it all I have to make it better and don't like to see anyone submit like this. When I left my husband I had 2 little ones, one of whom was still in diapers. He was a complete SOB and I had to fight him in court, even for child support and in PA there was no alimony then, so I scraped by somehow and I don't even remember how. Anyone with any suggestions? Funnier, can you tell the state in which you live? Let's put our heads together...xo
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(((((((((jan))))))))), I agree with punch and can't help but think that you need another opinion. I understand that the conditions for divorve vary from one state to another. Considering that you have been married many years, and that you are not in great health and, regardless of that you have been looking after his mum, by your husband's decree, I would think you are might be in a better position than that lawyer indicated. Did he know about your caregiving experiences? Abuse it not only physical - it is mental/emotional too. You are not healthy enough to look after your mil without it taking a physical and emotional toll on you. Your needs and wishes are not being considered by your husband. I hate to see you caught in this trap. I have been there and thought I had no options, but as it turned out, I did. I know it is scary - very scary. Perhaps a social worker could help you look into your options. (((((((hugs))))))) and prayers - Joan
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Funnier, even though physical abuse seems to be at the forefront (and I DO understand why, since it can result in death and permanent health issues) the affects of mental abuse, verbal beatings, and even neglect can do a number on one's psyche permanently. The only kind of abuse I did not get was physical. I had such low self-esteem, between my own mother's abuse and then my first husband's, that I never thought I could recover. I know that attorney said you were screwed, but what about alimony? Not sure if that is in your state, but maybe a different attorney can structure for you. Hurts my heart that you are hurting. Sending you a hug. xo
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You all are telling me what I already know. Once when I had a major seizure, I was hospitalized and the social worker at the hospital came to talk to me. I don't know where I got the nerve to say what I did, but I had checked the box on the form "do you feel that you are abused physically or mentally "yes". I ended up crying my eyes out to her. This was at least 5 years ago. When my doctor came to dismiss me, he said to me "When are you going to leave him, Jan" He has never touched me, but I can empathize with abused women. He can take my self-esteem down to the lowest of the low and them back to high again.

But I don't have the nerve to leave yet. I have no place to go. My Social Security check won't pay rent and utilities and credit card payments. I have animals I have no place I can send and I can't take them with me no matter where I go and I know he won't take care of them.

When I did go to an attorney once, he pretty much told me I was screwed. He said Jim and I would both have to agree to a divorce and divide everything. I couldn't pay for half of anything we owe. I don't have a dime to my name.
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Pamela--how sick was HE!!! Sounds very much like my EX. My hubby of 30 yrs. while not the greatest nursemaid in the world would definitely take care of me if he needed to. The ex couldn't even take care of my prize plant while I was in the hospital in 1970 recovering from a caesarian (they kept you 9 days back then) and when I got home my plants were crunchy--couldn't handle throwing a cup of water into two plants. We were smart to kick garbage to the curb. I only hope your life is much better now. xo
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there are always choices, and he is choosing to abuse his wife. no, i don't think he would ever take care of her. it would be too messy for him.

i am so glad that i found a way to leave my husband; while he would never think to bring his or my mother into the home, i know for certain he would never take care of me at all. i do remember how it was whenever i was really sick.

once he refused to drive me to the hospital for major abdominal pain, (nausea, fever, chills, trembling, sweating, the works), because he had a hangover. i drove myself there almost having two accidents. i couldn't walk across the parking lot and a woman older than myself found a wheelchair and brought me in. a battery of tests concluded it wasn't appendicitis, but some kind of lower GI infection and i was kept for five days while they pumped me full of antibiotics. while i was there my husband sent my kids down to retrieve the truck, but when i needed to be picked up my husband said he didn't feel well again and it was too far a drive. i had to call a friend to come get me and take me home.
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He really thinks he has no choice (the husband of Funnier, i.e.) but when his own wife is sick from the stress and wear and tear on her OWN body, will HE be willing to take care of HER? He needs to remember about "paybacks."
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i hate her husband. i really do. any man that puts his mother before his wife should burn in hell.
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FUNNIER PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.
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Funnier: I wonder if your husband realizes how he is taking advantage of your good nature and jeopardizing your health. I think you need to talk "straight" with both the doctor and your husband. A few words from the doctor to your husband should open his eyes. He should worry more about losing you than Nancy. Also, insensitive and bad hygiene Nancy has to shape up or ship out. You are well within your rights to tell both her and the service company you are not satisfied with her attitude or personal hygiene. If you tell them the kind of person you want, they are obligated to send someone to match your qualifications. Don't ever be a doormat, because people - yes even loved ones - will always step on you.
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FunnierThanMe - Does your husband even have a clue what this is doing to you? Are you thinking he knows that if MIL comes home again needing this much care from you, that you don't have a life and you lose what's left of your health and well-being, or does he have blinders on when it comes to his mom? (Is there anything we could do that would help you "question" your husband, or find "the nerve" to ask Nancy to shape up?)
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Well, when he visited her last night, she was throwing up again. He didn't ask about her bowels. But she continues to be vomiting since over three weeks ago when we put her in the hospital in the first place. I asked him if they had done anything to try to find out what is wrong with her and he said he didn't know. Since I am going to "our" collective doctor this morning about my back, I am going to tell him all about her and see what he might want to do. I will also tell him I just don't think I can take it if she is brought back home for me to care for.
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Funnier....any news?
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I'm going to call "our" doctor today and see what he says.
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Well, Funnierthanme, your good news that you'd be free of mil for 28 days, didn't even last 48 hours. There's no way that you can lift mil with your back the way it is. Can you go to your doctor, since its your mil's doctor too, and explain the situation? Maybe if your doctor puts you on a "no lifting, no bending" order, you husband will understand that you can't possibly take mil home? It sounds like he just doesn't get it.
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I'm so depressed this morning. He told me last night she had been asking him, like she does every day, when are you going to take me home, and he told her "as soon as Jan is able to take care of you. Her back isn't strong enough yet" He said he wanted to bring her home before the 28 days expire and Medicaid kicks in. I didn't understand that, but I didn't need to question him. He said he doesn't know how much longer she has to live but he doesn't want her to die in a nursing home. So there you have it. I'm sure he will bring her home whether my back is strong enough to do this or not. I had gone to the ER 8-2-12 with what I was sure was a ruptured disc but was diagnosed as sciatica and back spasms. It was the worst disabling pain I have ever experienced in my life. I don't want to do anything that might cause this again and bending over her or lifting her, etc. is a no-no.

In addition, Nancy told Jim she is looking for another job and he is afraid she might find one and "we might lose her" so he wants to get his mother home "before we lose Nancy." If I could only get up enough nerve to tell Nancy she needs to take a bath or at least wear a deodorant. That might help some.
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Yes! Funnierthanme is free! Your helper, Nancy, doesn't sound like she's going to miss mil - just the income. That says something, doesn't it... I couldn't be happier for you. Time to bust out of that house and do the things you've missed. I hope this placement is permanent. Whew!
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Congrats! I'm so happy for you. I hope things stay well for you. :)
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Congratulations!

While you are getting back into your groove with me time, make sure that husband gets to see how great it is to have some couple time, too.
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