My mom is scaring away her caregivers!

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My Mother is scaring away her caregivers and she isn't listening to me. She is down two so far and it's only been two weeks, I am very upset with how she is acting, she doesn't have demensia, she has MS. She is rude, controlling and demanding. She told her caregiver to hang up the phone on me because I told her the 3rd caregiver was giving her notice.
I am sick of her,
I have the number for the police the number to call if she doesn't have anyone caring for her, in Ca the Police come in first and contract APS. My Mom is being such a pain and now not treating me right.

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I just lost my 94-year-old dad, who was the primary caregiver to my 88-year-old mom. She's borderline diabetic and has recovered partially from a nasty bout of shingles. Before my dad died, he ignored her mean, bossy behavior. I don't know how he did it. They were married for 68 years. The past 10-15 years, she became more controlling and more bossy. The more my gentle, sweet dad would do for her, the meaner she became. I stopped visiting them (I live in FL, they in CA) because I can't stand more than one day with my mom. She's also hard of hearing -- sometimes. Most of it is pretend. She can hear me when I speak to my brother in the other room, but if I stand right in front of her, she makes me repeat things 12 times until I get pissed off and leave. I honestly don't know how my dad withstood her mean behavior. She, too, loses things and then accuses everyone else of stealing! My brother is now living with her, and he won't put up with her nonsense. He makes her sit and listen to him and he flat out tells her that if she doesn't want his help, he will leave. That seems to subdue her. It's sad that she has to be threatened before she's the least bit nice. I try to be patient, but after so many years of her unrelenting behavior, I've lost patience. Now that my dad is gone (he was my LIFE), I don't even want to visit CA anymore. I thought elderly ladies were supposed to be sweet and gentle, like you see in the movies, ladies that you just can't do enough for. Not my mom. If anyone has any hints as to how to make her be "nice," please advise!
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Just wanted to check in, see how you are holding up. I'm so sorry that your mother is being so difficult. Wish I had the perfect answers for you - but I am searching answers for myself in how to deal with my MIL. So for now, here is a hug! Take care...
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This is all good advice. My concern is for you. All of us get run down and depressed living with someone who enjoys being mean. Be sure you schedule breaks for yourself -- even if it's just going to Starbucks for half an hour.
Live-in care givers are wonderful -- even if they live in your house. Be honest with the hiring agency and be willing to pay more than the "going rate."
One thing not mentioned about your mother's mental state: she may be terrified of losing control. It might be worth the effort to let her make some choices that are actually doable (like what vegetable to have with dinner; what soup to have for lunch; what chair to sit in to watch TV; and so on).
Another choice is respite care. Since she's not "nice" to you, you need have no compunction about leaving her somewhere for a short time (a weekend or even a week). These people are trained to cope with "crabby elders" and they get to go home after 8 hours. The thing to remember is that she is eventually going to die and you need to reach that point with enough energy and good enough health to have a fulfilling life after it happens.
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thanks OhioGal08, I appreciate your kindness. It seems to always be something. My sister's God love em are somewhat oblivious because they are not close! Occationally I think it would be helpful if she lived, with us then I think well maybe not! take care... J
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I think my Mom gets power off of being mean! She keeps telling people that SHE is the BOSS!
My Dad used the be the mean and abusive one. I think the feeling she gets from feeling she is in charge of others makes her feel empowered! Uggggggggggggg
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Oh my. I feel your pain totally. My mother-n-law has been brought into our home to live permanently since July 2011. She is rude, abusive, down right mean at times. She turned 90 in March of this year. I don't have the luxury of any help. I am the primary caretaker 24/7. She lashes out because she is "walker bound" with balance issues, a fall ready to happen. She has the beginnings of alzheimer's, does not always make good decisions, gets easily confused, then because she is a depression era child, she "hides" things, esp money -so when she can't find something - look OUT!! She lashes out saying someone stole them. Oh, the stories she tells others. (I pray everyone knows that it's all untrue - so embarressing). When we have had phy.therapists coming in the home from past injuries, she has "fired them" - even through her walker at them. Why? She feels there is NOTHING wrong with her. She truly feels she can live alone, when we have had 2 doctors declare differently. She lashes out over fears, frustration and anger due to not being able to live independently on her own. Again, I feel for you & have no real answers, except to prepare caretakers of her actions before they are hired. Hugs to you. If you ever need to sound off - send me a message. I'm a good listener.
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It is somewhat amazing isn't it, my Mom will whine at me and it is like are you serious... If I had acted like that when I was a child I would have gotten slapped and I am NOT kidding... I think she wants us to feel sorry for her because my Dad is gone! I know even more now how much my Dad covered for her. She has dementia. take care Elliebabe!!!
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We are paying 7,500 a month right now.
She has enough money for a couple of years, she is turning very selfish too. The things she says...
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no doubt it is somewhat a control issue... bless her heart she has no control over what is happening to her body. I think if you get trained professionals from a home care agency they should understand that... IS it at all possible she wants to push people away so she can have a pitty party? My Mom is difficult at times too... I feel for you honestly... take care
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Thank you everyone. I have done all of this. She is on meds, Zyprexa.
I work with her doctor and Psychiatrist. She just likes being the BOSS, my Dad was so controlling and belittling, it seems now it is her turn to be like this, perhaps she gets a thrill from it. She does not mean to scare them away, they just can't stand being with her. She is not even that mean, it's just the way she is, so picky, always calling them, messy, not appreciative, bossy, thinks she's the boss. She is in diapers and only has the use of one arm, she can't come out of the wheelchair. I think partly she is being mean because she feels she can.
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