Mom passed a month ago. I have hardly cried. What is wrong with me?

Once you put them in a nursing home you already accept the fact they are dying and already lost them. What makes a person is their personality and uniqueness. When Alzheimer's disease (AD) eats them up their personality slowly dies and become like all other AD victims: The only thing left is the shell. They are already dead; only their body is left alive which requires considerable care just to maintain that because they are no longer able to do it themselves. AD is a dying process...a very very slow dying process that can take a decade or even longer. Sometimes shorter. They are all walking disasters just waiting to happen. Eventually they will succumb to their disease whether it be forgetting how to eat and swallow food, or wandering and falls. It's terrible to see your loved one go through that every single day. You were smart putting her in a nursing home. Each day I wake up I'm in constant fear and stress.  The first thing I do is go to her bedroom and make sure she did not fall. The day only begins..medications and using psychological tricks to get her to eventually take it.  Bowel movement diary (if they care constipated 3 days they are impacted). Insulin.  Blood pressures to take. Exercise schedule. Bath schedule. Eating schedule. Brushing teeth schedules.  Toileting schedule (she uses up about 5 diapers a day; diapers, baby wipes, ointments or skin protection, and gloves cost about $100 a month). This is my life. Day after day..everyday. Year after year..   I'm so used to this I would not know how to react if my mom died. The daily grind of stress, financial stress because I can't work--she IS a full time job--I neglect my own health (my life savings are being eaten up as my Obamacare is close to $700 a month with $6,860 deductibles and it's so expensive I do not even see a doctor and not done so since Obamacare and I am not eligible for any kind of subsidies as I am below poverty income but my life savings makes me ineligible for Medicaid).  I'm an emotional cripple so I can't imagine life without mom I've been doing this for 8 years now. Since she takes so much work she's actually not doing too badly for someone with end-stage Alzheimer's and I still walk her everyday about a quarter of a mile. 

So sorry for the loss of your Mom. It seems you lost her gradually over a long period of time, and I suspect you've done much of your grieving along the way. You're allowed to feel however you feel -- and I totally understand if your primary feeling is relief right now. You and your mother had a rough run, her suffering is over.

There are no "shoulds" here. You seem to be such a rock to so many people that you may also have simply learned to put your own feelings aside and shoulder up what needs to be done. It sounds like you did your best and made the tough choices where your mother was concerned and that is nothing to second guess or feel guilty about. You are far far from cold-hearted -- your compassion takes the form of sacrificial service, not tears, and that is worth far more.

It hasn't been very long, and those tears will find you when the time is right. Meanwhile, relief that your mother is at peace and your time of long-distance worry and care is over is a perfectly reasonable response.

Thank you, all, for your kind words. And compassion. I was feeling like a freak, especially because, like sue988, I cry at funerals of people I barely know. My cousin, who went thru this with her own mom, told me that it would hit me at the most unexpected time. Well, she was right. It hit me in Kohl’s of all places yesterday.

When my parents had passed not too long ago, I didn't cry per say. I was misty eyed, but that was it. I think I was just so physically and emotionally drained from helping them over the years, I didn't have any more to give.

Everyone’s journey is different, but my personal experience is that as I’ve had to go through very hard things in life, including facing my mom’s terrible aging process and frail health, I’ve become more and more “controlled”, not intending to, I figure it’s just my defense and also the only way I can deal with situations where I’ve to keep it together. So I rarely cry, I feel despair and frustration, but normally don’t cry.
Our minds and emotions adapt to what life presents us with, and you seem to have been “presented” with a lot.
Don’t judge or measure your love for your mom with tears cried or not! Your heart holds your truth, try to find peace in that.
And prayers going your way for strength to endure the other caregiving journeys you’re living!

I cry at funerals of people I barely know, but I didn't cry when my dad died. I loved my dad very much and I felt guilty that I didn't cry like everyone else did. I finally realized months later that I was in caretaker mode with my dad when he became sick. I handled everything including the doctors, the hospital, my grieving mother, the funeral, communication with all the siblings, etc. I had to be strong to handle everything. I couldn't let myself grieve, I had too much to take care of. Then I needed to continue staying strong because my mom was lost and depended on me for everything.
I don't think we're cold hearted. If we were we wouldn't have been there for our parents when they needed us. Personally, I think my sibling, who did nothing to help with my father, but cried her eyes out when he died is the cold hearted one:)

Dear kdcm,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't be hard on yourself, we all grieve differently. There has been so much on your shoulders and you did the very best you could for your mom. I was never much of a crier, I tried to be stoic if I could. But when my father passed last year I was so raw and cried more than I did my whole life. I only say this because we are all so different and there is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

You are so good to help your family and now your in laws. I have been reminded over and over again that we all just have to do what is normal for us and not worry about what others think.

Take care of yourself the best you can. Thinking of you.

People mourn in different ways. There is no "right" way to do it.

My husband died 5 years ago and my mother about 1 year ago. I sobbed once, several months after the death. I think of them often, and sometimes I get teary-eyed. Not everyone is a crier. It has nothing to do with being cold-hearted.

Kdcm,
I agree with the others.

My Mom’s journey with Dementia was a long one.

I, like Barb, cried a lot during the journey. Most of those times were when Mom was trying to remain in her home and my hands were tied. Lots of the times involved my anger and frustration with my sister.

Mom was in a NH from August 2012-October 2015. Better, safer than when she was in her home but still a challenge.

I remember thinking the last 6 months or so when her weight was so low, how long can she survive in this state? I think at that point I had let go.

I never sobbed, or cried. My eyes would get watery, maybe a single tear. From The time I arrived at the nursing Home the morning she died as the staff were sobbing. To the funeral when my sister was having yet another meltdown.

I still get watery eyed when I post about Mom but that’s it.

We that joined our loved ones on their difficult journeys appreciate their suffering is over. Or that’s my feeling anyway.

I grieved my dad's passing as he moved through the stages of Parkinson's. When he finally passed, I cried, but really, very little. He suffered so much. I was relieved he was done with that.

Everyone "grieves" differently. Some people keep theirs to themselves, and do it very privately, some need to have others "watch" so to speak. Just b/c you aren't crying over mom's passing doesn't mean you didn't care. You've got a lot on your plate right now---maybe when things settle down, you'll feel differently, but don't worry if you don't.

I think some people just don't cry--I'm one of them, and it seems normal to me. There are other ways that we grieve.

It's true about the dementia. I remember how as the years went by, a little bit of my mom was no more (her personality, her likes, dislikes, etc..) Until in the end, she was a complete stranger. As each personality goes away, we mourn that. A little bit at a time. It sounds bad, but I liked the stranger better than my real mom. Despite that, when she passed away, I was torn between feeling that I should be sad that she died and my greater feelings of relief. While all my family were mourning, I was the odd one standing there, not shedding any tears. It was so very awkward. So, I know how you feel - about thinking you're coldhearted. You're Not. We just been mourning differently than the normal way.

About 18 months after my mom died, one night, I just started crying so hard. It was scary that I was crying so hard for No Reason! I couldn't stop the crying. Once I was done, I finally realized that these were the tears for mom. 18 months later....

I'm closer to my dad. I became his caregiver 5 years ago when he had a stroke and became bedridden. He passed away in July. At least I cried in his funeral but it was just tears streaming down. I'm waiting for the real mourning to hit me (the whole crying fireworks.) ... So don't worry. The crying will hit you - when you least expect it.

KDCM, I lost my mom in August and haven't cried but a little bit, mostly when people said kind things to me. I cried a great deal (out of frustration as well as loss) after my mom started down the path of cognitive decline and vascular dementia. But I find that my feelings right now are mostly numbness, relief and gratitude.

It sounds like you still have a full plate. Find ways to take care of yourself and let us know how you're getting on. Not everyone grieves by crying.

Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you, kdcm1011. You are NOT cold-hearted. You have been grieving for years already. I left my home and closed business in another state to move with Mom as her live-in caregiver. There are moments of poignant happenings I'll weep over her. I spoke to a hospice counselor who stated the grieving process has begun, which is good. Thanks to this forum, I'm aware when Mom does pass I'll feel relief--for us both. I'll be sad she's gone, but relieved her pain and anguish are over. As others above stated, the force of your Mom's passing may hit you. Before it does and afterward, go easy on yourself and treat yourself well.

I have heard it said that with dementia you grieve twice. My father has Alzheimer's. Once with the diagnosis and second upon their passing. You have been grieving a long time already watching your mom slip away from you as dementia robbed not just your mom but you of your mom. Everyone handles loss differently and you really should not beat yourself up over this. Someday when you may least expect it, you will express your grief. Your family health situation and care giving for one member to another looks pretty tight and stressful....when would you have time to grieve? You are doing OK and I in no way think you have a cold heart and there is nothing wrong with you!

No. You're dazed.

I don't want to be like some kind of emotional vulture and predict that the mourning will come... Maybe it won't... But try not to get blind-sided by grief when you're least expecting it. Once you have (very sensibly) rationalised your caregiving time and you've got your breath back, it may be that feelings will flood back. Give yourself plenty of time and space as far as you can.