Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
1 2 3
Your story could be mine. With so much care giving you lose some of you feelings. I loved my mom more than anything but with each day and watching her decline with dementia/alz by the time she passed (last year) I was so relieved for her (and me since I was main care giver even though she was in a facility). I took care of my in laws until their passing (not the same though with in laws although I was close with them), My mom who like I said passed last year, my sister who passed 5 years ago, our grown son who lives with us and his 2 young sons who are here 3 1/2 days a week and now my 95 year old dad who is doing pretty well although declining and not sure how much longer he can be on his own at his retirement facility (other side is AL). It's not that you don't have compassion or love but it's just that you are worn out from making decisions, traveling, and the giving of your time. It's hard and we all go through it. Don't beat yourself up. I have fond and loving memories of all the people that I have taken care of but I just don't cry that much anymore. I'm tired and worn out but I will soldier on. :)) This is definitely not the retirement life I had dreamed of 10 years ago. God Bless.....
(1)
Report

When I was in Therapy my counselor told me "Don't should on yourself". Should is a bad word. As everyone else has said, you probably have been grieving for a long time. Also, everyone grieves in his or her own way, there is no right or wrong way to do it.
I lost a very dear friend in January this year. I was there helping his wife two days a week or more. I sat with him and held his hand as he died. When they moved him to the gurney I helped hold him. I thought I was handling it well. In August, I fell apart, I couldn't sleep, cried a lot. My daughter went with me to the doctor for meds to help me sleep. As she said to the doctor, holding it together when I had to, was what made me a good First Responder in my working life. I am ok now. He was only 57 and went inch by inch with Mesothelioma. Thinking about it, my oldest child just turned 54 yesterday. He was a wonderful friend and co-worker he was family.

Please be good to yourself. You probably grieved little by little as your mom went down that long road to the end of this life.
(1)
Report

My bedridden mother passed away Nov 18, 2017. She was almost 90. I was her live in sole caretaker. It was sometimes abusive and mostly difficult environment. But sometimes it was the joy and purpose of my life to take care of her. Frankly it makes me smile talking about her to people. I love remembering funny things and stories. I still live in the her home & daily visit the room she died in. I feel strange having time options. I also have to force myself to go outside. The crying comes when I feel people's genuine love and sympathy expressed towards me which I am not accustomed to other than from my husband & kids. Not accustomed to attention and it embarrasses me. My grief began a long time ago daily. I believe crying is an option. Its not required, guaranteed or mandatory for everyone. I did my best. Love kept me here and keeps me in memories. And just putting these thoughts in words has helped me. Heck, what was the question? Be Blessed everyone. Live and do your best without regret. Crying does not have to be tears of sadness. Crying can also be tears of peace for both you and your loved one. Its all ok.
(3)
Report

I think your reactions are normal for all that you have gone through. My dad is nearing the end of his dementia journey and almost e wry day I think this was his last birthday, this will be his last Christmas, will he live till spring. My grieving has started months ago.
I agree with the others that you have have a moment that triggers some grief. Time to take some time for yourself.
Sore for your loss.
(0)
Report

hmmm someone who has only described all the caregiving she has done for various people? No way are you a cold hearted person! You may be numb, but normal. You seem like a very caring and selfless person. There are no text book reactions, we are humans and so are you!
(2)
Report

Your reactions are very normal especially with a long standing condition with dementia. You grieved in her decline with the disease and that was your grieving process along the way. You are still most likely in the numb stage then sadness and missing her will come. Be kind to yourself!
(1)
Report

KDCM, you've already received so many wonderful responses, it seems redundant to add one.

I once read that, when a loved one has a terminal disease, we go through pre-grieving. You've had 7 years of pre-grieving, combined with unmitigated stress. If I were in your shoes, I would be emotionally exhausted; I wouldn't have enough energy left for active grieving.

Dementia is so cruel. We lose our loved ones by degrees. For me, it was hard to remember my "real" mother. Parts of her would come glimmering through from time-to-time, but she truly was changed.

We all grieve differently. It may be that, when you and your family have figured out who will be caring for for your in-laws, you will find your grief. No two people grieve in the same way. Even one person can grieve in different ways, at different times, in response to different deaths.

A social worker who was assigned to my mother's case when she was hospitalized for a systemic fungal infection warned me that, when we lose a loved one, we grieve, not just for the new death, but for every loved one we have lost before. Forewarned is forearmed. Because you are facing so many more terminal illnesses in your family, you may be hit by a great big wallop of grief. A wise friend told me that, when you lose a lot of loved ones in close succession, it's like what happens when you eat spaghetti. You twirl some strands on your fork, convinced that you will end up with a manageable mouthful. Before you know it, that fork is hidden inside a ball of pasta that you can't possible squeeze past your lips and teeth. I've had lots of twirled-spaghetti-style grieving. It helps to know that it's coming. It also helps to know that others have been through it, and we have survived.

Best of luck in working out your family's care-giving needs. Do try to go easy on yourself. You've had years of giving, and your relatives may view you as a forever-giver. You have my permission to stand your ground and set firm boundaries. Please view self-care as your #1 priority.
(3)
Report

Grief seems to work in different ways - especially with and without guilt. Most of us are used to grief with guilt. After also caring for my Mother with dementia for seven years, I felt many things. But mostly the sadness turned to joy at the memory of all that we had shared during those seven years right through to her passing. There was zero guilt and I believe this changed how I grieved. It was hard to gain some ambition back and get on with my life - I had given it up and yet strangely in doing so - found it.
The last two years have not been easy in claiming my life back, but in some fundamental way my life has changed and that love still exists and has power. It was for me a spiritual peak experience. I share this in case it resonates with your experience.
(2)
Report

I know just where you are. My mom was diagnosed with dementia this fall. She has fought everything I have tried to do for her. Her health is taking a turn for the worst now. I think we get so wound up just being in survival mode that we don't have time to grieve until later - or in other ways.

My dad died of lung cancer almost thirty years ago. I remember only feeling relief that the struggles were over. About six months later was when I was upset. I went to see my pastor and his comment was, You are right on time." He has seen it many times - especially with long- term illnesses. Do whatever you feel you need to do for you now. If you need to grieve more, it will come in its own time. If not, it is because you already have over the many years of slowly losing your mom. Peace.
(1)
Report

see a grief counselor. cuz when the emotion hits, it will be unbearable.
(1)
Report

Thank the good Lord he took her home that she is in a better place the shoes without pain without problems from the dimension.
You're a good daughter
(1)
Report

I've commented on this in at least one other string. I can't recall ever shedding a tear after the death of any relatives or family, probably because nearly all of their deaths were expected. When my father died a few years ago it had been just a question of time until it happened (but almost a half-century earlier he was upset with me because I went to a band rehearsal the evening of the day his mother had died; this grandmother spoke only broken English and although she was a kind, wonderful woman, we really had no relationship much deeper than smiles and kisses). However, I'll have to admit I got teary-eyed about the deaths of my girlfriend's former sister-in-law and the latter's husband, who were nice, friendly couple who died too young.

When I mentioned my lack of emotion about deaths to someone many years ago, I was told the world needs people who have their wits together at such times so the necessary formalities and activities can be done while others are paralyzed by grieving.

I miss my father, particularly when I think of something I would like to tell him and then realize he isn't here. My mother is physically declining over time and has had what is probably vascular dementia for several years, so I know it's just a question of time.

Back about 6 or 7 years ago when my father and I were out grocery shopping, he matter-of-factly talked about what he and my mother would do if they became too feeble to stay at home and what investments would be left to my sister and me, and
I found it depressing because I felt he (always a very cool-headed individual, so this was not out of character) was as casual as a couple high schoolers talking about what colleges they might consider--I half-expected to find he had disappeared and then get back to the car and suddenly see a pile of stock certificates where he had been sitting.
(1)
Report

I suspect you mourned her years ago when you lost her to dementia . I know from personal experience. I mourned my mother even though she's still living and now I just work in a robotic capacity to make her comfortable. I hate hearing myself say this but I will probably feel a sense of relief when God takes her . I already mourned my mom death.
(2)
Report

I have cried more tears than I knew I had on this Parkinson's/dementia journey with my husband, but when my mom died unexpectedly in June, I just went into shutdown mode. She was 93 so it makes no sense that I felt betrayed but I'm numb to everything these days. Except the tears start flowing every time my husband gets closer to dying. Everyone grieves differently but I've been baffled at how few tears I've shed for my mother. I do miss her but that's about it.
(1)
Report

You are still healing from all the caregiving you have done, and possibly what may be needed in the future. Many previous posts have hit it on the nose... You started your grieving process when your mom started to decline. My mom is almost gone 22 months and my dad 16 months. Mom had dementia and dad had failure to thrive without her? The first things I felt were relief, gratitude it's over and the task of what's next... Their house, finances, etc... Then I had to figure out what's do with my time... I still am! I didn't
T even realize how much of my time was spent flying back/forth, on phones, taking care of things... And not just in the end, but in the years preceding (5 yrs) for me, their hospitalization, rehab, ALF, hospice. You are a wonderful child, did what you could or had to. Give yourself as much time as you need, and if you don't ever cry again for her, well, first I'd be surprised, but just know she would not want you to mourn her for ever, either. Grief I am learning is unique for everyone.n out of the blue it may hit you in a year or two... Enjoy your life now, it is your time, when you start healing you'll be surprised as what you will feel
(1)
Report

I started crying when I realized that my parents began to decline, two years ago. I used to cry every time I observed them getting more fragile and less capable of doing the things they used to do. They are still alive, but I feel in peace now. I guess I did the grief before. I feel peace because they are declining safely in my home and I finally accepted it as a part of life.
(1)
Report

There's no need to ask yourself, 'What's wrong with me?' Try to trust yourself, and believe in your soul's way of healing itself. We are SO quick to judge ourselves, especially women it seems, for being 'cold-hearted' or whatever, if we reach a bottom and are unable to give anymore. I had reached a point with my sister years ago, where I could not help her anymore. She had a pattern of relying on me, I always felt like a psychotherapist, yet I never felt I could turn to her for venting. She sort of used me, really. Then when she hit some big bumps in the road, and reached out to me yet again, I couldn't. I was made to feel guilty by her boyfriend, my Uncle, even my brother. But despite them, I dug my heels in. My sanity was more important.
(3)
Report

Nothing is wrong with you! My mom passed away last year, similar story. In some ways you lost her a long time ago. Don't feel guilty for feelings you think you should have. You were a wonderful daughter to her to the very end. You may catch yourself in surprising moments of grief, or you may not. But it doesn't mean you didn't love her.
(2)
Report

Hi KDCM,

I find myself in a similar situation. My died on 12-6-2016, after battling endocarditis for 6 months. The last 3 months my could no longer hold a conversation and when my mom passed, I could occasionally understand a few of her words. It was gut wrenching to see my mom deteriorate and I remember grieving and crying during this time. When my mom passed away, I was expecting to sob uncontrollably but instead I was numb and in shock. It’s been a year and I’m still numb. I visit my mom’s grave almost daily. I miss her so much. I’m hoping that my life passes soon so that I can be reunited with her.
(1)
Report

No, you're not cold-hearted. Your brain knows you don't have the time to grieve and I don't see it in your immediate future. You are pressed for personal time because of caring for so many others.
The best I can offer you is a hug and a prayer.
Sometimes letting them go is the best gift we can give.
(2)
Report

My guess would be you are so worn out from being a care giver, plus worrying about if you should be helping with other family members. Give yourself time to recover by taking care of yourself.
(2)
Report

You have a ...pardon me but...a crap load of stuff going on.
You KNOW your Mom died but a part of your brain I bet is in high gear sorting out all the other stuff you have going on, your brother needs you now for support, your siblings need you now for support your in-laws need you now, your Husband needs extra support now...
When you sit down and finally realize that you need support is when you will cry. And cry..and cry.
You are expending your energy on others and it takes a lot of energy to cry and realize your loss.
First thing you need to do is give yourself a break. Don't worry that you are not crying.
You should also take a few moments for yourself each day, think about something other than care giving. Support yourself the same way you are supporting others.
(3)
Report

l agree that we grieve differently, my mom died 4 mons. ago. an then had the funeral, now cleaning her house out and moving my didabled son to another home! l cared for mom in her home, 3 acres of land to mow, groceries, cooking, l did it all, an had a home 40 miles away. I would go to my home an take my son grocery shopping, take him out to eat an spend time to talk. Get my bills, an back to moms.I would pay my sis to set with mom. This is just the tip of the work that had to be done, but we all are aware of the work of a lone caregiver, an the stress that goes with it, right? What screams to me is being is being overwhelmed an overworked, we can call it caregiver burnout. Myself, l never missed a beat trying to pack an move an sell my house, an l feel numb, overwhelmed, an trying to get ready for Christmas, an in the process, l am getting dysfuntional, were l just can't move forward.....and l have never cried for my mom! l have never had time to grieve...4yrs of caring for mom, she never knew who l was, she remembered all 3 of my siblings. As mom's life was ending, she said to me, l was her best friend an she loved me, l told her l loved her an would walk her to heavens door. I did just that, l have no regrets, ....But l have to say it was a blessing when she died, she suffered! After all of this, l say, that this Screams, that she need time to just stop, an care for herself, an take the time to sort her feelings out and greive
what ever way she needs to. I pray that you will just stop, an care for yourself an then move on an be blessed!💝
(4)
Report

After all you've done for your mom? No, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a good and caring daughter and now you deserve to resume your own life. God Bless You!
(3)
Report

If you say your Mom's was a happy person up until the time she became ill, why should you be grieving? Can't you celebrate the happiness she had? You have a whole life time of smiles, laughter, joy with your Mom's and only 7 years of sickness. Enjoy her happiness now, because later you will begin to miss her. I had 5 months with my Mom's, she was 86, but I gave her Holly heck from age 11-33 & those last 5 months was the best time I enjoyed being with my Mom's. I learned many things, we explored one another adventures, lol lol and I wondered the same thing when she died 5 months later. It's been 7 years now, still no tears but I miss her now that I'm getting older but I have no regrets. My biggest laughter with her was when I was bathing her in the rear, and she let me have (baaa-boommm) lol, we looked at one another and fell out laughing. She said I owe you that. Lol My Mom's was a deaf person, but she had love in her heart. Be blessed and enjoy what you had. Each day brings something different. God Bless You. I'm happy I had a chance with my Mom's.
(2)
Report

No Sweetheart. You are recovering from the emotional and physical toll of caring for very ill family. You will grieve, sometimes at unexpected moments, even years from now. You may be in a happy moment with others, when the tears will come, and you will be confused why you are crying now....but the tears will come. Bless your heart.
(4)
Report

Kdcm As always everyone’s posts are so true. My fears are I won’t cry either when mom passes. With me though I think it will be because mom wouldn’t let me cry at my dad’s military funeral. I thought I’d bite my lip off when they played taps.
You listen to what the others said and don’t worry whether or not you cry. I didn’t cry at dad’s or my sisters. May God give you His peace through all this.
(3)
Report

You had spent years grieving slowly when the disease started and progressed. Your reaction is completely normal as you went through this so slowly. I spent 13 years slowly grieving after a surgeon gave my Mom 6 months to live after a cancer diagnosis. She lived another 13 years during which I was always vigilant for the other shoe to drop. I was numb with dismay and shock when my Mom took a turn for the worse 11 years later after a fall, in and out of hospitals and nursing homes for rehab, took her into my home, back to the hospital twice for delirium, a better nursing home where hospice was finally suggested. I took her home with help from the hospice people. During this time my husband had heart problems and was hospitalized twice. I had a spontaneous retinal detachment and went blind in one eye and had emergency surgery. All during this time my Mom was bedridden. We were in the process of selling a family business as well. Then when my Mom passed away there were many other things to take care of....no time for grief. It was many months before I began bursting into tears every evening, angry and wondering what the heck caused things to happen the way they did. I miss my Mom. Why did her end have to last 19 months and be so calamitous? Everyone is different, and depending on what you went through for so long, your grieving may have happened so slowly, like walking into a very cold swimming pool a little bit at a time, or it may still hit when least expected. Please do not feel bad about your grieving time table. We all grieve differently and in our own way. You have been through a lot and gave it the best that you could.
(5)
Report

Depends on the cause of death. My mother died naturally, and I grieved very little because dying of old age is normal. My father was murdered, and the grief was 1000 times worse because it wasn't his time to go. He would have lived a few more years if he wasn't killed by DNR abuse by my greedy siblings who couldn't wait for their inheritance. Now I grieve the loss of several years of life my father could have had, and I grieve the loss of my 3 siblings because I hate them for what they did.
(3)
Report

think the good days when your mom was living that might help to think how sad it is for her to go ..my mom has dementia & had it since 2011..2 weeks ago i had a dream about her like she use to be & i thought i miss my mom the way she use to be ..even now she says sorry to be a bitch at times ..to me she kinda knows what is going on she mus be catch her self being bad to me & knowing it ..she threatens she wants to kick me out of the house ..but i know the dementia is trying to win her over ..
(4)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter