My mom is negative, lives in the past and is never supportive of my life decisions!

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I am 53, almost 54 and my mom continues to make negative comments when I do things in life:
1. When purchasing our house, "wow, that is too expensive, can't you look for a foreclosure..." We bought in Morgan Hill, 2012 Asking $480k we offered $425, sold for $450.. It is now valued at $850k..
2. why would we make windows in the living room longer so that we can see the driveway.. After "i like those windows longer..."
3. talks behind our back about purchases we make, with our money...
4. getting a dog, "I don't like big dogs, I hope you don't regret it in 3 months.. " Our dog is Lab and Pit mix, we love her and will not regret it!


These are just a couple examples. When I talk to her on the phone she talks about shows she watches and wants me to watch them too. At Christmas she stayed at our house with my sister and niece (they live in Brazil). My mom treated my boyfriend poorly, in his house. I said something to her and she has not been back since. I go to visit her in Fresno 3 hours away. But right now I am very annoyed with her and she is not very friendly on the phone. She does not ask about our new puppy, I had eyelid surgery, she didn't call or ask how I was doing; only remarked about a bruise on her but from falling in her garage. We went to Tahoe for a basketball trip, she didn't ask about our trip.


I am so tired of her negativity and judgmental attitude. If I tell her that, what would happen?? She would say "oh, that is how you feel.." Yep, it is!


My mom has no friends, doesn't interact with people where she lives. I told her to go to group classes at the gym. She doesn't like the group classes. She is only happy when I visit, by myself.. When we are together, we have fun and I enjoy her company. But, when I don't she is miserable. I just don't know how to make things better!

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Chapys, it sounds as though your mother is suffering from, and perhaps always has, suffered from , mental illness. Normal, functional folks don't blame or ascribe their happiness to others.

You need to own your own happiness, regardless of your mom's approval or lack of it.
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BarbBrooklyn looking back she was not real positive. She was a single mother and her moods were often dictated by how her relationships with men were going. I was the oldest and I grew up trying to not p*ss her off in any way or make her mad. She would often say "I'll send you to go live with your dad!" When I was a junior in high school she said that, I went into my bedroom, snuck out of the house and ran away to my best friends house. When my friends mom called later she said "you get your a** home now!" My dad came the next day and picked me and my sister up. We stayed with him a few days, then came home, I was planning to live with my friends family, but my mom set up a meeting to talk to me. She said she was sorry.... I didn't want to go back with her but felt sorry for her.

Similar to what JoAnn29 said "Her life is always someone else's fault". My sister lives in Brazil so she doesn't get this treatment. Her moments of happiness are diminishing. I just can't tolerate her negativity and criticism any more.
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Sorry, there is clinical depression which meds may help and then there is a depression that the person can change. I have a friend who is her own worst enemy. Her life is always someone elses fault. The fault is hers. She does nothing for herself. You can't count on people to make u happy.
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Was your mother ever positive and encouraging of your aims in life?
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If she's depressed and refuses treatment, there's not much you do about it. Once they reach a certain age, it's hard to convince them.

I try to focus on positive things and get my encouragement and support from others.
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Chapys, I'm sorry, I know it's hurtful not to get positive feedback from a parent you're fond of - been there.

But, you know; your profile says that your mother's primary health concern is depression. And she's not happy about anything. The neighbours piss her off. She finds people tiresome. She worries endlessly about you - and it is worry, it isn't criticism. She's afraid you'll go broke, she's afraid your bloke is up to no good, she worries you'll be devoured by your massive dog, or hauled up before the police because it's bitten someone, or God knows what...

Somebody a lot wiser and more experienced than I am made the point: "she's not giving you a hard time. She's *having* a hard time."

What do you want from her? Your mother's depressed. She's the one having problems. How can she be helped, so you get your nice, interested, concerned, considerate mother back?
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Thanks Sunnygirl1, my mom doesn't interact with neighbors, they piss her off too. She is forgetful, but I sent a text regarding my dog and surgery, so she can refer back.

I don't bring up things that would agitate her. If I share what I am doing in my life, she is critical and judgmental. I need to let her know that I don't need her criticism or judgment..
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I have a mum much like yours - the truth is - you won't be able to make her happy or make her life better or make her not so negative. The only one you can change is yourself. Stop offering her advice - she isn't taking it. Stop sharing information that she will twist. You enjoy going to her house - then that is all you can expect from her. She will not change. Change your expectations and change your actions.

Her being rude to your boyfriend - my mum was rude to my husband in our house. I called her out on it - politely told her that it was unacceptable. She left immediately (10pm at night) and drove three hours home in a rage and wouldn't come back until i apologized to her. Which i refused to do. She didn't come for six years until i invited her for our son's baptism.

You can't change your mom's gossiping - i stopped telling my mom anything i wouldn't want published worldwide. When she complained - i just said "i'm sorry you feel that way" and changed the subject. Over and over. Yes, i heard about it through her friends how "hurt" she was that i didn't share information & I just repeated "i'm sorry she feels that way" and changed the subject.

Counseling helped me immensely.
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Is depression your mom's primary ailment? Maybe, she needs medication or an adjustment to her her existing medication. Of course, it's up to her to attend to that. Does she see her doctor regularly? Do they think that she would benefit from talk therapy? Will she discuss her treatment with you?

Has she been this way for a long time? I know that sometimes seniors get disagreeable due to cognitive decline. My cousin started having issues with a lot of people. Stopped attending family functions, stopped shopping, and just wanted me near. Eventually, she had nothing but grief for me. She couldn't get along with anyone. Later, the dementia was very evident. I didn't know at the time that sometimes there are symptoms of agitation, discord, rudeness, etc. before the memory problems start. You say that she suffered a fall....I'd check on that too. Sometimes, that can indicate some other kind of core problem. Maybe, she forgot about your dog and surgery.

Are there any other people who interact with her, like neighbors, other family members? I might chat with them to see what they have noticed? And, if you haven't spent much time with her lately, I might visit in her home for 2-3 days, so you see how she's functioning. Depression can cause a lot of symptoms too.

I hope you can find some answers. If it turns out that you and she just don't see eye to eye, I still hope that you can find a way to stay close. I know that with my mom, I just learn to avoid triggers for her and try to pick my battles. If I know that she's prone to disagree, I try to just not mention the topic.
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