I allowed my mother to move into my house after a leg amputation and she is ruining my life. Please help!!!

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My mother is 65 years old and about a year and a half ago she had an above the knee amputation, due to arterial disease, which her surgeon told her is the result of smoking heavily for 50 years. She went home to my ex-step father's house (yes, they were already divorced and she had moved back in). After 6 months of being unsuccessful with the prosthesis, he kicked her out, stating that if she wasn't going to learn how to use it, she wasn't staying there.
My mother and I have NEVER been close. She wasn't a very caring mother when I was young, and when my parents divorced at age 12, I lived with my father. She never babysat my child for me one time...she has been catering to my deadbeat brother for the last 8 years, even to the point that since he quit his last job in December, she refuses to buy any groceries, did not buy my son or myself Christmas gifts, gave her entire social security check to my brother and THEN had the nerve to ask me for money for cigarettes, WHICH SHE SMOKES IN MY HOUSE AND REFUSES TO O OUTSIDE because "it's too hard to get around".
I am 3 months pregnant now, and I just found out I have an ulcer. I am a nurse, trying to finish my bachelor's degree. I get about 4 hours of sleep a night because she stays up until 2 am with the TV turned all the way up, and then gets up every 2 hours with her walker (which is loud as hell on my hardwood floors) and every time she wakes up everyone in the house. My 13 year old son complains that he gets no sleep because of her and falls asleep on the couch every afternoon (she usually spends about 4 hours in the afternoon sleeping while everyone is awake). My entire house smells like cigarettes because she sits in her bedroom and smokes 4 packs a day. She refuses to go outside. She makes food and gets around fine when nobody is home, but whenever i am here she yells for me every time she needs a cup of coffee and complains about how hard it is for her to do anything. She gets mad at me because I won't clean her cats litter box because I am pregnant (I HATE CATS) and expects me to continue picking her up and lifting her into my SUV to take her places because she doesn't want to bother anyone else (but she does when she needs cigarettes, because she knows I won't buy them).
I realize now that I let her stay with me because I felt bad for her, but she is still taking advantage of my just as she always has (when I was with my exhusband she lived in my house and we paid all the bills while she supported my brother and his girlfriend, even letting them move in and practically destroy my house). My current boyfriend moved in with me 5 months ago, and he is fed up as well, because he works 55 hours a week at a professional job and never gets any sleep. I am fed up to the point that I think this stress is physically affecting me. I told her 3 months ago to move out, and she applied at one senior low income housing development (there are 14 in the city I live in, but she is only willing to go to that one). At her appointment the other day, they told her it was going to be at least 4 or 5 more months. I CAN"T DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. I HATE COMING HOME AND BEING IN MY HOUSE. She is literally making every day of my life miserable, and I cant afford to pay for a regular apartment for her. If anyone knows of any other options to get her out of my house, PLEASE HELP. I am at my wits end.
BTW...my brother and his wife now live in a house owned by her parents where her parents pay all the bills, so he will not take my mother in, nor does he ever help do anything for her, and my step father will not let her move back in, so those are not options.


Wow, I feel for you. You sound like you do not have ANY boundaries whatsoever, and this is something you must learn about for your sanity. You are in a caregiving profession and not having boundaries as a nurse will lead to trouble for sure. I know there are special groups for nurses and health professionals that could help with the boundaries and also Al Anon. I would think considering your options, that I would wait for her to get into the housing development in a few more months, you have gone this far. However, I would check with the housing agency to make sure she indeed is on a list and see if anything could be done as an emergency-need to push it up, some housing agencies can do this and may do this. Till she goes, can you limit her to one area of the house, put a sound protector on the tv and some runners down to miminize the noise. If she has NO problem getting around, getting cigarettes, going to the store, cooking for herself, well then sounds like the prothesis or something is working well for her. You said you were pregnant, you put your foot down about the cat box, put your foot down about the cigarettes for the rest of the time in the house, have her go out or NO cigarettes, take them from her and that is that. Forget about the relationship that she has with your brother, it all sounds pretty dysfunctional, your hope is getting her out and firming up your non existent boundaries.
As I'm sure you are aware, your mother is deeply taking advantage of you! She may be your mother, but she is not your boss anymore. It's obvious you love her, but that does not mean you are responsible for taking care of her. You need to take a stand and tell her she has XX (your decision) weeks to get out - that she cannot wait until her "favorite" apartment is available - that she has to find somewhere else to stay but not with you anymore. Your life and health, and that of your immediate family, should come first and foremost!! And if she's still giving her checks to your brother - he can take her in until her "favorite" apartment is available whether he wants to or not - especially when she doesn't give him her check. Stand tall, take control and know you're not alone and we care for you.
First of all I am so sorry you are going through this. You do not need to be smelling 2nd hand smoke.
There is a thread under "discussions" by Survivor - title my mom moved in with me 2 years ago July. It is an amazing story and she is an amazing lady.
I would suggest you reading her story, it's long but although sad, very intreating and informative.
You need to get your mother out. You need to take control of your life. Hugs to you
My heart goes out to you in this most impossible of situations. Obviously her living with you causing off the chart stress for everyone involved. Hopefully, someone on this forum will have advice on how to change the situation. I would call Elder Services in the town and speak to one of their counselors and find out what they would advise. Hoping you can find some help. Hugs to you and take care.
Have her name put on all of the 14 subsidized housing places. Whichever will take her first is where she goes.

CAT LITTER - when I was pregnant, my ob/gyn said UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES was I to handle or change the cat litter as there is a specific disease transmitted by cat fecal to pregnant humans, TOXOPLASMOSIS. The cat's litter boxes have to go, which means the cats go, you are endangering the fetus. Your OB can easily give you information on this. I'd use this as the final straw on her behavior.

Choice is: 1. call the human society and go down and get the carriers and have the cats taken for adoption. 2. she moves into the subsidized housing and takes the cats and does this asap. I'm not even going to go into the whole second hand smoke issue with her.

I'm concerned about your 13 year old. I have a 15 yr old and the early teen years are most difficult in the US. If he feels that he doesn't have a home or that his living at home even matters, he is going to start finding a home somewhere else and it likely won't be a happy healthy home. His not getting rest is a big issue in his ability to do well at his work - which his work is middle school for him. Please try to give him extra time, you want him to become a man who understands that women are different and that what grandma is like is not what you are going to become. He is likely very scared this is going to happen.

Your mother is a harridan, selfish and self-centered. She is not going to change. You deserve to have a healthy, happy life and that means not having her in yours.
I know this is harsh but reality often is. Best of luck to you and your family.
Sorry, I'm so pissed I'm going to be blunt: Get her the hell out of your normal life and forget about her. You do not need to do this. It's a bad example for your children and devastating for your own health.
Can't write anymore or I will get in trouble. Praying for you. xo
Your mother is a guest in your home. Would you allow other guests to act like this? This is a bad example to set for your son. Your mom is walking all over you and you are allowing it. An impressionable 13 year old is just beginning his teen years and I think you get my drift. I'm sorry you are going thru this, believe me. I sure wouldnt want to come home to it every night. But it's your house, your rules and you have to enforce them. If mom doesn't like it then maybe she'll move out faster. When a person has to rely on someone else for help, they have to realize they'll be giving up some freedoms. Mom is not the only one in the house. I think she's forgotten how to show respect and gratitude. This is toxic with a capital T.
Everyone else has said what I was going to say. I just wanted to add that your mother is the definition of the word narcissistic - she will NEVER change, and while she has an enabler (you), she has no reason to make any effort whatsoever to rehabilitate herself. You say you have an ulcer - imagine what all of that stress is doing to your unborn child. For that baby's sake alone, you NEED to put the hammer down. Wow.
I am going to take you at your word that you have learned your lesson and you want to fix this mess you are in. The earlier poster have emphasized why you need to fix this. They are right.

Here's my take: You need to take charge of the things you can control. You have no control over the waiting list at subsidized housing. You have no control over your brother or your ex-stepfather. But you do have control over who lives in your house. Your mother must leave. It is not up to you to find her her next residence. You just need to get her out of YOUR house.

Start by finding out what the rules are in your municipality regarding evictions. In some places you need to go through the eviction process even for residents who don't pay rent. If that is the case where you live, start that process immediately. It will have some built in delays. You must give the resident a certain number of days to move out, so don't add more delay by putting this off.

It is not your responsibility to find her another place, but as a daughter who doesn't hate her mother but only wants her out of her house, I suspect you'll care. After you've given notice of eviction, offer to help set up an appointment with a social worker to go over the options available. Make sure everyone knows the deadline on the eviction notice. That is when you expect Mother OUT. If the best option is going to require a wait, she will need somewhere else to do the waiting. You are NOT extending her time at your house. If Mother refuses to see a professional regarding her housing options, contact Adult Protection Services. Explain the situation. You are sorry that you cannot continue to provide for her but your responsibilities to your unborn child and your young teen have to come first. You would hate to see her be homeless but she must leave your house on xx date -- sooner if possible.

Meanwhile, you are not touching the litterbox, and Mother MUST go outside to smoke. This removes two hazards to you and your family. Try to let everything else slide off your back, knowing she will move out soon.

Do not get sucked in to letting her stay until an apartment opens up. Those waiting lists are notoriously unpredictable. Four to Five months can turn out to be Three or Nine. You cannot control this list, but you can control your own home.

If she were staying with you longterm (and she is NOT) then setting lots of boundaries would be worthwhile. For the short term I think it is enough to be firm about the litter box and the smoking.

The thread that Here4her refers to is here: https://www.agingcare.com/Discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm
It is 2000+ posts long! I suggest you read the first 20 or so posts and decide whether you'd like to read the rest. It is long because several of us (The Kick-Ass-Women -- though there are a couple of guys in the posts, too) have bonded not only with the original poster but with each other. Survived2 started out very unsure of herself and in despair of finding a solution. OMG -- you should see her now! It was not a smooth and easy process, but she did solve her problem.

You, too, can solve your problem. Please come back and post how things are going. We can be with you every step of the way, just as we were for Survived2. You CAN do this! And you definitely need to, for yourself and the people dearest to you.
Thank you so much to everyone for all the support...I am so glad somebody can understand my situation, I feel that it's hard to talk to my friends or anyone else about this because it just comes off as complaining and nobody understands the effect this is having on my household. Also, because I am so young (I'm 33), most people my age have not been in this situation, and alot of people assume when I say my mother is living with me that I am actually living in HER house. To Jeannegibbs...I am glad you made the suggestion about Adult Protective Services...as a nurse I know there are different supportive organizations out there, but I've been feeling like I have my hands tied, because there are so many options for someone leaving the hospital who cannot go home and be on their own, but there are not a lot in my case. I started wondering this morning if I called adult protective services and just told them the only other option here is that she is going to end up homeless if they might be able to help. As terrible as it sounds, I have actually been hoping she would fall again (she does occasionally) so I could call an ambulance to take her out, refuse to take her back, and hopefully get a referral to a nursing home for rehab. I am definitely going to call APS first thing in the morning and see if they can help.

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